Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

I can really identify with this except that I didn't reach out as there was no point, I wouldn't have been supported. As a result, I hope to be there for my kids equally as long as I can.

It seems likely that your daughter struggles with regulating her emotions because throughout her life you as her parents have repeatedly invalidated her emotions.

Can you post picture of the fabric OP?

It must be really something if you are prepared to treat your DDlike shit to get it.

If my daughter had called me distraught like that I would've crawled over broken glass to get to her regardless of her age.
I'm not surprised she's upset. Your dh was tired well boo hoo we're all tired!
And got forbid you'd miss out on going fabric shopping ffs! Shame on you.

Your DH was so tired that he couldn't drive to your DD but he would happily drive you to look at fabric?

I thought MY egg donor was horrible, you take the biscuit OP.

A family member once priorities a parking space over coming to see me after emergency surgery. I never forgave them and I wouldn't be surprised if your DD after this.

It sounds like you 'setting her up financially' makes you feel like you've done your bit and dusted your hands of her. I'm glad you're not my mother.

I don't think you understand that she wasn't being abusive. She was upset. Was she meant to calmly and rationally explain where she felt let down by you both when she was upset?

One way or the other she was upset and she told you why. Just like you've never forgotten her calling you in Rome - she'll never forget this and while she probably wont want to fall out with you completely - I suspect she'll just expect less and less emotional support from you.

Separately, from what you have posted, being married and settled seems to be a life pinnacle for you - I suspect that comes across to your daughter too.

Genuine question though - you say her and her brother are very different - but were treated exactly the same. If you were a team manager you manage people in a way they respond to - why wouldn't you parent like that?

This is so sad. I would have travelled an hour even in the middle of the night even if a close friend called me distraught let alone my own daughter.

Awful, just awful

Tbh OP, I’d stop posting. You sound worse and worse every update.
Enjoy your cheap curtains, hope it was worth it.

I can tell you now neither my mother or DH’s would have cancelled plans for us at that age.

Yes, I assumed that you must have had a fairly cold and detached relationship from your own parents. It's sad how these dysfunctional patterns so often get revisited over the generations. Hats off to the many posters on this thread who have somehow managed to break the cycle. Let's hope that the dd's daughter is able to do the same.

I feel so sad for your poor daughter. Your behaviour was cruel and cold - but your defense of it is even worse. I hope I never, ever fail my daughter like this. I know 100% that my mum (who lives in another country) would drop everything (and believe me, she has FAR more going on than you) and be here if I ever asked her for any reason.

You might have texted to apologise but you can't ever fix this. You showed her what's important to you - and it wasn't her.

Thanks Op, my parents were trying to convince me to spend less on them this Christmas as they don’t need anything.

Seeing how absolutely horrible some parents (ie you) can be has made me realise I need to spoil them as much as possible - I also called them both this morning for a chat and told them how great they are and how much I appreciate them.

They live around 1 hour 30 mins from me. Im 33 and I had a minor op last week and was totally fine - they still drove up (my Dad is 69) to visit me twice to make me lunch, put on a wash and light the fire even though I told them I was ok. I know for a fact if I called them at 3am and needed them they’d be with me before 5am.

I feel so lucky and so sorry for your poor children and the children of other posters who have agreed with you. I very much still need my parents in my life and I’m glad we enjoy an open, loving and caring relationship. They are amazing parents.

You sound like a nasty bunch. Your poor daughter is better off looking for support elsewhere. Don't expect much sympathy when you get older and really need assistance from her. Horrible pair. (I don't usually comment but your passive acceptance of your husband's views is disgraceful - get a backbone and a conscience!)

YABU and selfish. Horrible.

EmmaWizard909 Don't you realise that where you saw her or when isn't the point? what she needed was to know you cared and were on her side. She needed to feel loved and cared about. I would have been packing a bag in case she wanted me to stay, while the phone conversation was going on, and my DH would have been grabbing chocolate and cake and starting the car!

I had parents that never made me a priority - and I've had mental health issues all my adult life because of it. Nothing physical, just a steady drip drip drip throughout my childhood of being unsupported and feeling no one was in my corner.

As for now and damage limitation - I would be apologising and driving over there NOW!

I am 40 and if I called my mum crying she would be in the car and on the way to me before I could even explain what was wrong.

You sound incredibly cold and self-absorbed. Fabrics, really? Is that really the kind of parent you were hoping you'd turn out to be?

That you can’t even remember whether she’s the older or younger child speaks volumes.

Your poor dd

Her brother in comparison is very settled (married) and generally gets on with his life, so that’s why I do question whether it was parenting or just her nature.

My daughter has a nice life because of me and DH, we set her up educationally and financially.

OP, you sound so cold. I suspect that both your children grew up feeling emotionally rejected and son has dealt with it in a different way. I imagine that when you are your husband are genuinely too old to go shopping or travel, you will be very lonely with your children understandably not bothering to make the time or effort for you.

My mum died when I was in my 20s, but that’s the only thing that could’ve ever stopped her supporting me when I was in distress.

It went both ways though, I went to jet when her heart was broken too.

@X0X0

Typical, thank the lone supporter.....

You are really oblivious to how awful you behaved. Disgusting

So you’re saying she should thank all the people calling her a shit mother and disgusting?

The amount of people paintings themselves as perfect parents on this thread is laughable.

You sound very old fashioned and formal, despite coming on here to ask if YABU you're repeatedly trying to justify your position which I'm afraid confirms you aren't going to listen and budge from your stubborn stance. Your husband is more important than your daughter and you both sound cold and selfish. Saying that, my mother is no better, her dogs come first.

My mother was like this when I ended an unhappy relationship with my ex-fiancé. The last couple of years had been very hard - I'd been trying, trying, trying to make it work. When we split she was annoyed that I wouldn't stay in an unhappy relationship to prevent people talking about her daughter and how it might reflect on her She also asked if my ex might want to stay with her and my father for a while - to help him through the difficult time.

OP, in a few years time you will be back here complaining about your DD not letting you have access to her DC. And I won’t blame her. How emotionally dead can one person be.

Last word- you are being very very very unreasonable and bad parents