Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

[Mseddy]

Honestly id be devastated by your lack of support in that situation. I'm 30 my mum is 60. She lives an hour and a half away. If I rang her in tears right now for any reason and told her I needed her she would be in the car straight away. I know she would, she has in the past. Yeah my dad might not, but shes got her own mind. And as for getting something in a sale? Wow!

[Sparklfairy]

I call reverse. No one freely admits to being this callous.

[Killerqueen2244]

You feel horrible cause you know you and your husband are being stubborn arseholes to prove a petty point.

[greenlavender]

So you prioritised fabric over your distraught daughter & your husband was too tired to drive 60 minutes but not 45 minutes. Right.

[Love51]

My parents were there for me when I needed them. I had a mental health breakdown in my 20s, I was barely in a state to make a phone call, but my husband rang them and asked them to visit and then did. It isn't a pattern, the only other time I've needed them was to give birth to my youngest. I raised my children to school aged with family 2 hours drive away. But that time I needed them, they came. I haven't a clue what they had planned that day, and I bet if I asked them they couldn't remember. But I do know that when I needed them, they came.
A couple of times my brother has needed them, they were there for him too. These big needs took up a day or two every few years, but built such a strong adult relationship between us all.
I think you should ring your daughter, apologise, and arrange to visit her. You will drive 45 miles for curtains but not a distraught adult child! Don't expect her to be close to you!

[BertrandRussell]

“ These posts are very hurtful,”

Good.

[coldfeetallthetime]

You need to apologise to her OP

[SweetNorthernRose]

I'm 40 and I know if my relationship broke down I'd want comfort and support from my parents and I also know they'd be there in a flash without question. I certainly couldn't imagine them being so heartless for the sake of a couple of hours drive and some fabric. And you can't even get her age right! Utterly selfish.

[CupoTeap]

Why don't you call her now

[lookatthebabypenguin]

I’ve always tried to do my best for my children

What do you think the word "always" means?

You can't even be arsed to contact your poor daughter now.

[Windmillwhirl]

she was very welcome (of course) to our home that same day.

Perhaps in her emotional state she was concerned about driving. Her mind was likely all over the place.

That she asked this of you when she doesn't normally says it all. She needed you and frankly you let her down for a ridiculous reason. Also, an hour is not a long drive, you make it sound like she was on the other side of the country.

[Isthisit22]

It is chilling how cold you are, emotionally. You are still being so detached and trying to rationalise.
Your daughter was upset and needed you. You should have gone.
Are you scared of your husband? You sound like you may be.

[Mummyshark2018]

Jeez, you are totally heartless! You'd rather a bargain than comforting your distressed daughter. My dc is only young but I know that if she called me in need I'd move heaven and earth to get there. Sounds like you're never there for her and perhaps she was in a way 'testing' your love/ approval - and you failed.

[cubed123]

I understand where you’re coming from in terms of her age and your expectations that she should manage her personal affairs but assuming she doesn’t call every other week about some kind of relationship crises, if I were her I would feel disappointed that my parents were not more supportive given the gravity of what has happened.
You say the relationship is less than a year, it was still a relationship though.
If you can’t rely on your family, in particular on your parents, at a time like this who can you turn to?

I’m not condoning the abuse but she is probably extremely upset and overwhelmed.

Have you tried to contact her since?

[PositiveVibez]

We invited her to our home and would have looked after her there

You told her she could come round the next day, after you had been the shop for discounted fabric!

[ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19]

You sound awful thankgod I dont have parents like you. When my ex cheated on me and left.me with a one year old there were a right behind me helped me move out.

[EmmaWizard909]

My daughter is fiery and gets upset and is sensitive. She’s not directly asked us to come over to support her before but she has had many dramas over the years with breakups... one where she called me incessantly during a holiday me an DH were on (in Italy) while she was at university. We have certainty supported her.

We didn’t mention fabric to my daughter we’d just said there was a sale ending.

DH is great with her but lost his temper in the face of all her abuse.

[Hefzi]

Having read this, I dislike my (Stately Home) parents rather less.

Part-time working at 60 means you are too tired to make time to support your distraught daughter by driving for an hour? Presumably, your daughter does not ask you for emotional support often (because, frankly, if this is typically your response when she does, she'd be flogging a dead horse) but hey, you got your planned trip to look at discount fabric, eh?

I might have grown up with severe emotional abuse and neglect, but even I can see how fucked up this is

[Aquamarine1029]

These posts are very hurtful

Only because you know what you did was heartless.

[EmmaWizard909]

The invite to our house was the same day - when we had hot back from shopping!

[peachgreen]

She didn't take you up on the offer because she called you and told you she needed you - her parents - and you essentially said "we can't be bothered to come to you but if you make the effort to come here that would be okay".

I wouldn't have gone either.

[MsRomanoff]

I actually feel really gutted for your dd.

My mum is similar. Loves to tell people how she loves me, would do anything for me, would die for me.

Zero emotional support. I dont really bother, either my parents. When I needed them most, they were never there. Which made every situation worse.

[OverByYer]

You expect your daughter who is in crisis to drive to you? Hardly safe to do so and a risk. Nothing that you are saying makes any of what you did.
Regardless of your husband’s views if you want to salvage your relationship with your daughter just admit you are in the wrong

[Dilkhush]

Sadly it doesn't seem as though the many responses here are making you realise that you are, in fact, a cold heartless mother. I feel sorry for your daughter and I hope she breaks contact with you for her own sake.
Do keep focusing on the question of undermining your DH, though. It may be the only relationship you have left.
Love isn't counted in what you say. It's in what you do.

[APerkyPumpkin]

This is wild. Fabric shopping!