Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

[AnduinsGirl]

Bloody hell! Me and my mum are not close but I'm certain if I rang just needing some support she would be there. It's heartbreak to think of your poor daughter reaching out and being prioritised below fucking cheap fabric!! A year is a long time to be with someone and at 30 she probably was hoping he would be her One. You sound utterly cold and selfish.

[PositiveVibez]

My daughter had only been with the man for just over a year and he had only just moved in a couple of months prior

Oh well that changes it all. It's of no consequence whatsoever. Your daughter was being a silly billy.

I hope you got your cheap fabric and it was worth ruining your relationship for.

You and your husband sound just delightful. I wish you were my parents.

[Aquamarine1029]

My parents are 78 and 70, and I'm 47. They live a nearly 3 hour flight away, but if I called them in a state of crisis, needing their support, they would be packing before we even got off the phone.

I do hope you realise that your relationship with your daughter will never come back from this.

[hammeringinmyhead]

I cannot imagine my son calling me at any age and me bleating that I wanted to go FABRIC SHOPPING so he would have to console himself. I'm a bit gobsmacked. If she was a drama queen who wanted you to drive over every week then fair enough but this doesn't seem to be the case.

[FizzyPink]

I actually can’t believe you didn’t go and get her that night. There’s absolutely no way my dad would know I was alone and upset and not drive however long it took to bring me home.

[CherryPavlova]

Gracious I think I’d drive over to my 26 year old daughter at 3am if she needed me. In fact, I have driven from south coast to Manchester when she’s been very upset during her training. It took six hours but was worth it.
I think I’d be pretty upset if someone I loved put a shopping trip ahead of me.
If one of my work team was really upset, I’d drive an hour to help sort them out.
We’re not quite sixty but not far off and both work 50 plus hours a week.

[pinkcardi]

He can drive for fabric, but is too tired to drive for her daughter??? WTF

[GrumpyHoonMain]

To be fair on you OP my parents wouldn’t drop everything to travel 35 miles over a break up either, and would be puzzled why they were even asked. They would invite me over to theirs, which you have done — the fact that she refused to come suggests she doesn’t really need your moral support at all. She probably wanted money again.

[EmmaWizard909]

I love my children very much, I am not cold hearted. My daughter can be difficult at times, she is very fiery. We invited her to our home and would have looked after her there.

I do want to contact her now but also worry about DH. DH was only angry in response to the abusive messages from her. He was very sympathetic before then.

[Herocomplex]

I would have gone that night. I can’t believe your DH told her off for describing how she felt. I think you feel that she’s an adult so doesn’t deserve your love and support?
You’re clearly uneasy about this, your DH is angry with her, but you don’t know what to do for the best. Were you always left to ‘get on with it’ no matter how you felt?
You’ve got a chance here to make a big difference to your relationship with your daughter.

[Icantreachthepretzels]

Wow - your poor daughter.

YABU

I'm feeling very grateful for my mum right now - she would never say no if I rang her up in tears (honestly doubt she would have waited to the next day to come and see me if I sounded that upset, she would have driven over to mine that night and taken me home) I'm older than your daughter and my mum is older than you. And you are definitely in the wrong.

[novasglowx]

If she's that upset and this is out of the ordinary for her to contact you asking for your presence for comfort then your response is unreasonable. Enjoy your fabric and not being confided in in future.

[MysweetAudrina]

I ended up in hospital this week. My separated parents travelled the 80 miles by train together today to see me for a couple of hours. I am sure they both had other things to do. I'd like to think that if any of my children/stepchildren or anyone I knew rang me and looked for emotional support especially if I only lived an hour away that I would go and see them, especially if it was someone who didn't look for support on a daily basis. I think you need to go see her and apologise. Leave your dh out of it if he is not interested. My dh would be gone quicker than me though in such a situation.

[CoffeeBeansGalore]

If she was that upset she would not have been safe to drive to your house.

[notanurse2017]

Don't worry, Op, your dd won't evdr make the same mistake again.

[happytoday73]

Surely this isn't true
You dealt with it wrongly. You prioritised your fabric shopping over upset family member. She needed you Sunday... That day... Not later.. Then.. She reached out to you for help. You rejected her.

Are people not allowed to be upset as adults? Are they not allowed to need support?
If your husband left or died would you need support? Would you expect her to provide it?
Why should she?
Her comments are very valid.
And I don't understand why you can't do the right thing rather than what your husband wants... You have equal say

[feliciabirthgiver]

Fabric?? Please tell me you didn't say this to her though?

This reminds me of a quote about being a parent ' you hold their hands for a while, but their hearts forever'

[otterturk]

Wow. You are beyond unreasonable and your DH sounds like an arsehole.

Your daughter is very upset but your husband - I assume not her father if he's also so uncaring - is a little tired and you want to go look at fabric - bloody fabric ??!

What the hell is wrong with you. Seriously. I'm going to message my own parents to say how much I appreciate them.

[peachgreen]

Christ. Your poor daughter. I suspect you've damaged your relationship irrevocably.

[Musicalstatues]

I am 40 and live 3 hours away from my mum. I know for sure that if I called her in tears and said I needed her she would do whatever she could to get to me.

I hope that my children will always know that I would do the same for them.

[madeyemoodysmum]

If she has form for this type of behaviour then ok I get it. But if it’s a one off you are BvVU as I split from someone after 7 years at late twenties and it was awful. She needed you.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

He wasn't too tired to drive to the fabric shop though, was he?

Jeezo OP, you've both called this one really wrong.

[EmmaWizard909]

grumpy I’ve no idea why she didn’t take us up on the offer of coming to our home. We would have had dinner with her and chatted with her there.

These posts are very hurtful, I’ve always tried to do my best for my children and maybe handled this situation wrongly.

[lookatthebabypenguin]

He was very sympathetic before then

Lol.