Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

[StCharlotte]

Well on the face of it, she's not wrong.

But only you know the true dynamics of your relationship.

[EmmaWizard909]

I definitely don’t treat my children differently

[Goawayquickly]

A reverse right?

[ThisMustBeMyDream]

I alao think it's a reverse.

My parents are exactly like this.

Apparently part of being grown up means never being emotional. According to how my parents treat me.

My relationship broke down in a horrdenous way, whilst pregnant. They weren't there for me then. Not even when I had the baby. I had to hire a nanny to care for my other 2 children when I gave birth. Both my (divorced) parents booked holidays for the time I was due. Knowing I had no childcare option at all.

I'll never forgive them.

I won't be visiting when they are old and need me...

[Bacardi101]

If this is true this is really sad I really feel for your daughter. Your still her mum even at age 30. Sorry Op you were really in the wrong here

[JasonPollack]

Wow. Is this a reverse? You seem very cold towards your daughter who sounds like she's in a bad place. Hope you won't be needing any support from her as you age because it's unlikely to be forthcoming.

[BigFatLiar]

Bit of both. Even at 30 most still need mum's comfort occasionally but you deserve time to yourselves and she should be old enough to sort herself out. Personally I'd have gone to her, don't know if it would have helped her but sounds as if she just needed a presence. Now she just sounds upset and angry.

[EmmaWizard909]

The reason we wanted to get the fabric was because there was a sale on. I know that sounds trite! But we had planned it all week.

My daughter had only been with the man for just over a year and he had only just moved in a couple of months prior.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Are you insane?!? Shopping for some fucking fabric?!? Christ you were so utterly heartless and cold I can't even believe this can be a true scenario.

[PositiveVibez]

Please let this be a reverse.

Surely nobody could hear their heartbroken daughter in tears down the phone and not go and get her? Not even visit her the next day because they were going fabric shopping? Wtf!

[Dilkhush]

You went shopping despite your daughter being in need of you help because you couldn't be bothered with a one hour drive.

You can't even remember how old your daughter is.
You seem to think that adults shouldn't need help, I doubt you'll think that if you are widowed and disabled in a few years.

You are appalling as a parent. I hope she remembers how badly you treated her when you are old and need her help and that she tells you to get stuffed.
Wow.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Sounds very formal for a parent child dynamic, so you want her to schedule her upset better in advance?

Unless there’s a backstory you and your husband sound a bit cruel

[itsgettingweird]

Well she's right.

Looking at fabric was more important to you.

What you've learnt now is that the fabric will still be there this week. But your dd may not (and isn't)

[purplecorkheart]

Sorry, I may have misunderstood but do both you and your husband work two days in the week? He was too tired to support his daughter but could go shopping. Sorry but I think you both should have gone. I would imagine your daughter is terribly hurt and probably lashed out.

[EmmaWizard909]

bigfat thanks for the understanding. I think that’s what we expected from her really.

We also invited her over to our home when we were back!

[pinkcardi]

Surely this is a joke?

Your daughter called you for help and support in a time of need, and you decided to go fabric shopping?

For comparison, I called my mother one evening at 5pm. I had awful flu. I had a baby and I was alone. She booked a FLIGHT immediately and woke at 4am, drove for an hour to the airport, arrived at 9am and stayed several days until I recovered.

Shame on you

[OverByYer]

Your subsequent responses are revealing how even more heartless you and your husband really are.
I hope your discounted fabric was worth it

[coldfeetallthetime]

It sounds to me like she feels let down by you on the whole and would maybe like a different relationship with you but that this one time when she needed you more than ever finally pushed her over the edge into making her feelings clear.

[Musti]

You're absolutely shit parents. Fabric shopping when your child is heartbroken and has asked for your support. Jesus christ

[icannotremember]

Were you BU to prioritise shopping for fabric over your daughter? Do you really have to ask?

[Windmillwhirl]

The age is irrelevant. She was hurting and needed you. She stated she doesn't ask for much from you so she was not being a drama queen.

I'd be very hurt if my mother acted as you and your husband did. I think it would be understandable if you had a legitimate reason to not go, but shopping!!!! Really??!!

I'm concerned your husband was furious. That's an extreme reaction given your daughter was clearly in a lot of pain.

[EmmaWizard909]

DH was tired from driving. He works 3 days a week in a driving based job. It is a long drive to my daughter’s and she was very welcome (of course) to our home that same day.

[MsRomanoff]

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week)

not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

So does your husband work a long week or 2 days a week.

I have to be honest, sounds like your dd was spot on. I cant think of anyone that I love that I would 'decline' to go see if they were in that state.

She must have been gutted. Her partner leaves, she reaches out to her parents and they say no?

I suggest your dh is angry because he knows it true

[Passmealargewine]

Im another one here who's around your daughters age & I know if I'd rang my mom in that state she'd have been straight round regardless. Your daughter must be feeling so hurt that you declined to support her when she clearly needed it & because you wanted to go shopping instead!?
& I was married with children, still needed my mom when things fell apart