Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

You sound like my mother. She took my ex husband's side over mine in the divorce.
When l told her we were splitting up, her response was "well you know you're not easy to live with". This despite me telling her there'd been abuse and more.
At one point she actually said to me "is that rape?" and when l said yes, she said "l thought so."
To his credit, after l went home in such a state after telling her, my husband actually went to see her and admitted the abuse. She still took his side.
After that l didn't contact her, l was so hurt and shocked. She rang me a few weeks later at work "to see if you're alright, l haven't heard from you." When l said that l couldn't believe how she'd reacted, she said (very nastily) "Well l'm sorry you feel like that!" and put the phone down on me.

l've never forgiven her.

You're saying your husband was "tired" - l'm older than your husband, and l work - l don't have children but if either of my stepsons had rung me in that state, l'd have gone immediately. You say you don't want to "undermine" him by contacting her.
Your daughter's 34. l was 40 when l split up with my ex husband.
You clearly have no idea of what she's going through, or has gone through to get to this point.
l'm actually shocked that someone who calls themselves a mother can behave like this.

Wow I guess this is a reverse?? Yes YABU, as adults we often find it hard to reach out for help. If there were a very important reason that you couldn't go then I'm sure she would have been understanding, but as she was too upset to even speak on the phone and you prioritised "fabric shopping" over looking after your own daughters well-being... Am feeling very grateful for my own mum and daughters right now!

What???? My child lives abroad and I immediately flew over when her relationship broke down , she's still your child.

Wow. I’m so glad I have my lovely mum and not a cold-hearted cow for a mother. This post has made me genuinely sad, your poor poor daughter.

Hang on, you say your DH was too tired to drive to see your DD but he was ok to drive to the fabric shop?

You say your DD sounded upset and irrational but you're ok about her driving in that state?

Her partner left but you prioritised fabric shopping. I can understand why she was upset. I’ve cancelled bigger plans to help friends, never mind family. If I was her I’d be feeling very hurt in what is already a vulnerable time. I don’t think age matters. If my mother called me upset because her relationship had broken down I’d be there in a heartbeat. The fact she’s 60 and can look after herself doesn’t come into it. We all have vulnerable times and upsets. I’d call and apologise and arrange to get yourselves over ASAP.

OP - if you want to delve deeper into this, look up Emotionally Immature Parenting - there are books on the subject, it is you and your DH to a T.

Also, I can confirm, being a child of emotionally immature parents myself, that no amount of money or being "financially set up" by parents acts as a suitable replacement for emotional support. You daughter is probably deeply damaged by your behaviour and there's no wonder, in my opinion that she is upset.

As for your son being settled, that does not mean you were great parents to him either. The dynamic of your family sounds very similar to that of me, my sister and our parents. DSis and I are very different, I am settled and married (27) and DSis is 30 and currently travelling the world. Doesn't mean they were better parents to me - they were shit to both of us.

Oh and yes, it is abuse. We've both needed counselling for some time to put things into perspective and to understand why our parents let us down so badly. You'll probably never be able to repair the damage you have done, not just in this instance but over the course of your relationship.

I have very little to do with my parents now primarily because of the way they behaved.

Being a mum now myself, I find it completely alien that any parent could be so callous and cold to their child. As for my DD, I will be there for her until I take my last breath. She will never be made to feel like an inconvenience, I am certain of that.

Oh, and my dad is 66 and works 7 days a week in 2 jobs, as well as caring for his wife who has a number of medical conditions. He would still drop everything to support me if I was in need, even if I didn't ask him to.

Every single example OP has written about her DD’s ‘unreasonable and dramatic’ behaviour, is about when she was in university. So a good decade ago.

I’ve told my DC, that wherever they are in life they should not hesitate if they need to oven home. They always have a home wherever I am.

My friend’s (who turned 40), dad told her on her wedding day that if for any reason she wanted to go home, her home would always be there for her and she need not hesitate to call on him if the occasion ever arose.
Friends relationship is very happy, but her dad wanted her to know and be reassured that she had love and a welcoming home should she ever need.

My parents are very like OP. I was quite bemused once when my mother wept crocodile tears when I told her I would not be taking care of her in her dotage and she’d be going into a home. What did she expect? She’d been making plans about us taking care of her and I firmly put her straight. I didn’t bring the subject up as I didn’t expect her to want my help given hers has never ever been forthcoming.

EmmaWizard909

bigfat thanks for the understanding. I think that’s what we expected from her really.

Typical, thank the lone supporter.....

You are really oblivious to how awful you behaved. Disgusting

OP, have you ever considered that your son doesn't make the same demands on you and isn't as 'fiery' because he just doesn't care? Perhaps he is as cold as you are or perhaps he has learned not to ask for what you cannot/will not give but your daughter keeps trying? And when you let her down, she lashes out? Either way, I think you will find that when genuine old age creeps up on you, you will be on your own.

You sound like my mother. I no longer have any contact as I couldn't cope with the selfishness any longer. When I had life saving surgery in February she didn't come to visit because I quote "I can't travel that far."

OP your not going to get support here because you and your husband sound like selfish arses.

I read this overnight whilst feeding the baby and pray I never, ever take your attitude to parenting any of my children

You sound just like my mother, who I am low contact with as she's just so selfish. Much like you she believed her parental responsibilities stopped at 18 - at uni the hospital called her as I'd gone into anaphylactic shock and she asked if she really needed to be there. She also treats me as a guest in her house.

My darling dad, long since passed - on the other hand was dying (I didn't know) when I called him because my then partner had hit me. He got in the car and came and got me straight away. It was the last time he left the house for anything other than a hospital appointment.

OP you're ghastly, and I feel for your daughter who has probably agreed to see you out of obligation or guilt. I hope to see her starting to learn how to look after herself on a Stately homes thread sometime.

Is you daughter 30 or 34? You’ve changed it a few times. Even my own dithery mum has never got my age wrong.

"At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then!"

But she's not, is she? She's alone because her partner has left her and she wanted her Mum and Dad.

This makes me so sad.

DH seems to be a lot of the problem here - you won't contact your daughter because of him? Yikes. Did you refuse to go because you knew your DH would kick off? Has your DH been the main driver for labelling your DD difficult?

You need to address the issues in your marriage.

Your poor DD. She must be devastated.

She’s right. I would be so upset if my mum had put fabric shopping above me needing support.

And you can’t even get her age right.

Feeling too tired at 55 and working 2/3 days a week?? Get a bloody grip. I'm 65, work 3 days and look after my 2 grandchildren (1 & 3) on the other two. Yes, I get tired, but if either of my kids needed help and support ar whatever hour of the day or night I'd be there like a shot. You put materialistic desires before the well-being of your children. I truly pity them.

This is all so sad. My mother was quite emotionally unengaged, mainly due to having had a really very difficult life, and thinking more about 'appearances' than emotions. However, she did her absolute best, in her own way, to understand and help me.
I had a serious alcohol issue for most of my life and I thought she didn't care. When she lay dying and I was sorting out her things, I found letters, phone numbers, transcripts of talks she had had with agencies and people on how best to help me, which broke me to be honest. She obviously wanted to help but had no idea how. When she was seriously ill; a lot iller than we knew, she still put me and my children and grandchildren first, worrying about us more than her. She died this year and I would give anything to be able to call her and listen to her reassuring me.

Finding it hard to get too worked up about this thread. OP is the parent of a fiery drama queen by the sounds of it. I bet she's been a pain in the arse for years

Her parents chatted to her on the phone and invited her over. She wasn't suicidal or in real crisis.

You can love your adult kids and still place some boundaries you know.

However I don't know the full dynamics of the relationship / bit like the rest of you. If need to know more before basically condemning the OP to a good old fashioned mumsnet theoretical stoning

You sound very cold, OP. My children are 31 and 29, but if either of them needed me I would be there like a shot, whatever else I had planned. It doesn't matter how old they are - they're still my children, and I'm still their mum.

I am 62, work and run our home including driving my DD (16) around; but if my DS at uni 4 hours away said he needed me; I would be there in a shot whatever time of day or night.

I think you and your DH have behaved appallingly to your daughter; you should apologise profusely for being so insensitive towards her, and if she still wants you to be there , bloody well go!

This is how my own mother would have behaved, she wouldn't have supported me either when I was that age. I would drop everything to go and support my daughter if she asked - she's 25. I am 63, work full-time and she lives three hours away. No question. This type of behaviour leaves a deep scar which she won't forget in a hurry. I hope you can make it up to her.

Crikey Sharon , it has taken almost 40 pages before OP has support.

Ho hum