Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

That's really sad. She didn't want to go to your house later, for a chat. She wanted to feel someone loved her and wanted to make her feel better.

If your husband left you, and you rang your dd upset, how would you feel if she said she was off to the shops but you could visit her later if you want?

She didn't abuse you. She pointed out facts that make you feel uncomfortable. Because they're true.

That's not abuse and trying to call it abuse to elicit sympathy just makes you sound more and more unpleasant.

If this is not bullshit, then yes you are terrible parents. Who cares what your husband thinks, you are her mother and she needed you and you thought a fucking sale was more important. Personally I'd never speak to you again, you've shown that you are unwilling to be there when she needs you.

I really feel for your daughter. I hope she's okay.

You need to look on the thread, but they took us to National Trust houses to see if you recognise yourself.

For context please understand my daughter has had many break ups. Like I said above, while at university she called us incessantly when we were abroad on holiday. I took the calls and tried to speak to her. Not easy when there’s expense with each call and you’re supposed to be having time away from stress! This is just one example of how I have been there for her.

Just because this was the occasion she asked us to go over doesn’t mean we haven’t supported her in the past in other ways. It’s not that black and white.

If you child phones you in distress and asks you to go to them, you do unless there is a very good reason not to.

Age is irrelevant.

You’re awful and selfish. Both of you. Heartless. I hope she doesn’t bother to call you again. And that you don’t ever ask her for help as you age.

How would you feel if those things were said to you by your own daughter you have tried your best for?

I have a feeling your definition of "trying your best" is very different from most of us.

Also literally everything she said according to your first post is demonstrably true judging by this thread.

This has to be a joke.

This can’t be real.

how would you feel if she said she was off to the shops but you could visit her later if you want?

But the op is a grown woman why would she ever need emotional support from another person?

How would you feel if those things were said to you by your own daughter you have tried your best for? Given up your life for actually.

How have you given your life up for her?

How have you tried your best? You wouldnt go see her, you say she could go to yoirs AFTER you went fabric shopping.

How would you feel if your partner leaves and then you parents cant be arsed to support you?

I hope you are a troll

Christ OP, a very clear cut yabu from me. You sound like heartless, horrible parents. An hours drive? I'd have offered to go see her there and then. How hurtful for her to reach out to her parents (who should love her more than anyone else) and be rejected. Your poor daughter. I've no idea how you can make it up to her, but you need to try and fast.

Oh no your holiday was interrupted by your upset daughter.Wow.

There is nothing hurts me more than to see my child cry. He's only 14 just now, but I can't imagine a day when seeing or hearing him cry, especially when he feels his heart has been broken, that I could literally turn in the opposite direction and let him get on with it.

I certainly hope the abuse she sent on the Sunday morning took the shine off your little shopping trip.

I think you're underestimating how hurt she was. You say you "couldn't" go with such short notice but she's basically telling you she isn't stupid - the reality is you didn't want to.

How can you claim to have given up your life for your daughter when you have literally just prioritised a fabric sale over her?!

THIS
Again, read your posts back to yourself?? You can't possibly be so thick that you can't read your own words back and see how callous you are?

How would you feel if those things were said to you by your own daughter...

Pretty ashamed that I was the kind of person to let a bargain get in the way of acting like a human, never mind a parent.

I appreciate that this might not be the answer you are looking for.

Ah you feel sorry for yourself?
Please don’t hope for any sympathy from me.

My father was 75, and dying of cancer. We had to ring them to tell them we'd been in a car accident, 3 hours from our home, 3 hours from theirs. Our car was a write off. Dad had to be resoundingly convinced not to get in the car and come get us, drive us home, and then drive back to his. That's what always being there for your children looks like.

You count ‘being there’ as answering the phone whilst on holiday? She’s not your employer!

Just read op. This has to be a reverse. Otherwise you're on a different planet.

We didn’t mention fabric to my daughter we’d just said there was a sale ending.

I don't think it was specifically the fabric element she was upset about...

People shouldn't drive in that much distress it isn't safe.

I won't repeat everyone's thoughts on here suffice to say I think your daughters feelings on this occasion are understandable and justified.

I hope she's ok, do you know how she is doing now?

Don't feel you have to choose between DH and DD in this or mediate between them, or it'll all turn into an even more horrible situation.

If you're sorry then say sorry and that you love her and just judged this situation wrong, ask can you go and see her etc...

If you aren't sorry then I'm not sure what to suggest.

How would you feel if those things were said to you by your own daughter you have tried your best for? Given up your life for actually.

Why not cheer her up by sending a photo of your lovely fabric. No message - just a thumbs up emoji👍