Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

So your main criticism of your daughter seems to be that when you did something that hurt and upset her terribly, she was hurt and upset, rather than being “calm”.
😮😮😮

Your Dd said im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us

She's right, sorry. Given that she doesn't ask for your help every week at short notice my parents would have treated my breakup as urgent and important, a family emergency, and if I'd asked they would have come straight over the next day. To most people a 35 minute journey is nothing. Missing a shopping trip for curtains is nothing it could have waited a week.

You and your husband are extremely rigid and inflexible. What goes around comes around. I am in my 50s, about to move hell and water to visit my own father (who is elderly) and has been unwell and needs some support. (Sharing visits with my DBro and DSis) I have had a few days' notice but it's a 300 mile journey, and I work fulltime, and am busy too. In future I can't see your DD making much effort for you.

when my 18 year old visits me, he has the manners to class himself as a "guest."

He shouldn't. He is your son and he should take a lot for granted.

my daughter just had a difficult temperament.

No, she had a temperament that you don't understand. So far the limitations you describe are in you and your DH, not in her.

I love my children very much, I am not cold hearted.

In your own way I am sure you do. But it's not about whether you love her in theory - it's whether you are willing to put yourself out to meet her emotional needs. Which you are not, and by the sound of things you never have been. It doesn't sound as if you even understand what those needs might be.

That doesn’t mean I can’t see that she’s difficult and dramatic at times, her reactions are extreme.

No, her reactions are just normal. Ordinary. Yours are out of whack.

DH and I can sometimes see why her relationships break down.

Her relationships might break down because she has grown up without good role models for managing relationship problems and especially conflict. Or they might break down simply because, well, normal life isn't always neat and tidy like yours. Most families help each other through troubles, emotionally and practically and not just with cash.

She didn’t calmly tell us she was upset we hadn’t visited,

But she wasn't "upset you hadn't visited". She was devastated because once again you had failed to step up when she needed you. She doesn't feel calm, why should she sound calm? Are you unable to cope with emotional expression? Is calm and neutral and polite the only kind of communication you can handle?

When my relationship had "drama" my dad missed his flight so that he could talk to me. I wasn't all that rational at the time and was pretty devastated. When he was away he text me to see how I was. When he was back he drove the 6 hours to see me from his home the day after a 4 hour flight. He's 62 and works full time (that's 5 days a week rather than 2). I didn't expect or ask for any of this but we would do it for one another without question. I don't have a mum as such but my step mother is a lovely person who supported all this but had to go to work herself. She has no flexibility. My dad brought me up and he's who I needed.

Your husband was willing to drive 45 mins for a sale but not 15 mins more for his daughter? I'd be upset if I were her to.

You keep saying you had the right to put your plans first "for a change" but does this mean you've missed the massive bit of information that you're running around after your daughter every second of downtime that you get? Or just that it inconvenienced you on this occasion?

You also have said 1 good thing about her in a thread with many many posts. That would upset me too.

Maybe consider that you've talked about how different she is to her brother in temperament but also said you treated them both the same. They need different things.

You've been incredibly defensive throughout this thread, even the "I know I've been wrong" have been followed by your excuses as to why.

I am also stunned that you see her clearly accurate texts that you prioritised shopping over your distressed daughter, as “fiery” and “nasty”
How is that nasty ? It is the truth. If you think it is “nasty” then why did you do it ?

The mirror thread, if honest, would go like this:

OP: I'm a wreck after breaking up with my boyfriend. We were only together for one year and only lived together for 3 months, but I really though he was 'The One', you know? He is the 10th boyfriend I've had in last 5 yrs and the 3rd one I thought might be The One but I won't mention all that. I phoned my mum at 10:30pm & told asked her & Dad to come over first thing tomorrow but she said she had other plans! She's going to the Sales! Can you believe that? She said Dad is too tired to do the hour drive; he's only 60! I can't believe they won't come running here to hold my hand & tissue box. Instead she wants me to drive over there tomorrow afternoon. How can she be so selfish! I'm 30 yrs old & moved out 12 years ago.
AIBU?

Poster1: Why can't you drive over there?
Poster2: Breakups are hard but you sound like a Prima Donna.

(next day) OP: It's ok, I've sent a bunch of nasty texts this morning to my mother to tell her what an uncaring cow she is. I refuse to speak to her! That will show her!

Poster3: So you've gone from 'I desperately need your support' to 'You're so poisonous that I won't speak to you' ?

Wonder how the op will feel when the fabric is on a better deal on Black Friday 😆

I have four dc’s. None were raised the same cos they are different people with different people.

One is more like me, fiery and ‘dramatic’ I don’t keep going on about things done 10 weeks ago never mind 10 years ago.

Setting them up for life doesn’t mean you then step away from parenting.

You have 5 full days on your hands to do the things you want.

Oh and just because golden boy is settled and doing good, doesn’t mean this will last forever.

You realise it’s taken over 32 pages before you said anything even vaguely complimentary about your daughter?

She’s very intense and can be critical the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Oh and woopdy doo, you once picked her up from uni which would have been over a decade ago.

Hey OP this thread is filling up! You’re going to have to start a new one so we can pile in on you a bit more!

By the way, when your daughter texted she loves you do you really think that’s true? Or something a dutiful daughter would say who is desperate for some affection from her frozen heart mother.

My goodness your poor daughter. I think regardless of there age, when your child needs you- SHE NEEDS YOU! You are her safe space.

Nothing would stop me comforting my kids whether they are 20, 30, 40 etc. When they need you, they need you! She's feeling vulnerable and lonely- you added to this feeling by choosing fabric over her. YABU

Maybe go and see her...

Our 28 yo DD rang us on DHs birthday for similar reasons, she had split up with her live in boyfriend and wanted to come home to us. She has her own car but was crying too much for that to feel like a safe option. She lives 40 miles away and the journey involves the nightmare that is the M25 and both 60 yo DH and I are not professional drivers and bloodynhate driving. hate driving. Before the end of the conversation DH and I were getting dressed and loading suitcases in the car. We cancelled DHs birthday dinner. The next day I made the journey again so she could collect her car and the rest of her stuff. All of this was a total no brainer. Our daughter was distraught and wanted her mum and dads support. We were proud she felt she could rely on us and it was a privilege to be able to give this normally strong, independent young woman what she needed.

You and your DH might reap what you sow. You have shown her that she isn’t as important to you as a home decor bargain and that if she wants support in a crisis she will have to look elsewhere. Don’t be surprised if she has her own priorities when you and DH need help in the future.

Has your husband made overtures to his daughter to apologise for his part in the revolting behaviour?

it doesn't matter what they were doing, they were tied and got a call at 10:30pm to complain that a relationship was in trouble and they didn't go running.

No. They got a call for help during the day before they were planning to go out and buy some fabric in a sale. Later they got a text at 10.30pm from the DD saying how upset she was that they had prioritised shopping.

It's apparently ok for the DH to get angry about being called out on his behaviour but the DD is called emotional and difficult.

Poor girl.

Your poor daughter. You and your DH need to reflect on your priorities. Bloody fabric!

lljkk

What a load of absolute crap. Have you properly read the OP’s posts?

If her DD post she’d have legitimate cause for complaint.

You sound very much like my mother. Seeing the hundreds of people here whose mothers are kinder talking about how good their mothers have been to them when they needed them most is heartening.

My mother also says I am dramatic, and overreact to things, but that of course I'm very independent and have my good points.

You sound just like her. When I told her my marriage was ending, she just said, oh, you're not expecting to move in with us, are you?

I am more successful than my parents ever were. My mother (also like you) likes to take the credit for that, but she doesn't know it was to spite her. Living well is your daughter's best revenge. I hope her thirties bring her the independence from you she so richly deserves.

PS, telling someone you love them every night via text is an expectation of return and check-in, not a genuine display of affection. The proof's in the part where you're mad she doesn't do it without you asking. I know how this game is played. Poor you. So put upon. And never dramatic. I'm sure you don't know where she got it from.

At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then!

Parents usually help out practically and emotionally with their children and grandchildren. After all they have experience of relationships and parenting, they know how it feels, they can empathise.

Why weren't your own family there for you?

Hello classic narcissistic parents! My mum did similar. Yes you are being incredibly self-centred, cold and unsupportive. I say good on your daughter for letting you have it. You are both arseholes.

I don’t think this post is for real.

A guest in presumably what was once her home? . Our eldest son left home 10 years ago but when he comes back he still treats it like his home.

I've heard it all now.

Straight away I was 100% that you were being unreasonable, I knew what was coming after your first paragraph!
A daughter's love is unconditional. Regardless of her age or her being fiery, you be there for her. She wouldn't have been in a fit state to come over to you.
I can see why she's reacted the way she is doing. She specifically asked for you to go over to her. Not that minute, hour...the next day!
My mum wasn't there for me when I was growing up and it ruined our relationship.
I would call her and apologise. Shouldn't even be wondering about calling her, you should just be doing it because that's just confirming to her what you're like.

I meant a mother's love

At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then!

So if your marriage fell apart in the morning who would you call?? I know for certain my mum would be the first person I would call, and I know for a fact she would drop anything!! Just like I did for her when her marriage to my father fell apart last year!! It works both ways!!

I was a guest in my mums home.
Even though she had space when I was booted out during the night in my early 20’s and injured. Had a young child, she sent us to a hotel. Oh she didn’t do it as a nice treat, I paid, she just couldn’t be bothered. Afterall I should have been grateful for everything she did for me that one time.