Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

So at her age you were married and would never have dreamt of asking your parents for emotional support...so that means that your daughter shouldn’t?? Also, your husband is adamant that you’re in the right...have you got your own opinion on things or just go along with what he thinks? There is no right or wrong here - your daughter is distraught at the moment and her emotions are all over the place but I suppose you would class this as being “dramatic” and not a normal reaction. I would say your husband’s lack of empathy towards your daughter and your compliance towards him is far more unhealthy than your daughters behaviour.

I would take the fabric back. Every time you look at it it will remind you of what shitty parents you are.

Well it should remind you but I doubt it will as it seems that you don't have a heart.

Just keep doubling down, OP.
Every update makes you look worse.
You are truly (and just so it doesn’t get deleted, acting like) a cunt.
HTH.

"We were proud she felt she could rely on us and it was a privilege to be able to give"
^^This.
Both my DS's are in their 20's I was proud and touched that on the few occasions that the shit has hit the fan or they're feeling a bit low or have been stressed about uni work the first people they call despite having lots of friends and good support is us and that above everything else they want to come "home" (not as guests but to be back with their family). It makes me feel that as parents we've done something right. .

Haven't read the whole thread.

My daughter is 39 and if she rang me in this state I would go. I'm a sewist and love fabric shopping but my daughter comes first. I'd go on my own if my husband was too tired.

You and you husband were being really selfish and unkind. I wouldn't dream of treating either my stepchildren or my son like that.

Probably took quite a lot for her to even call you, for something so personal you would have to be particularly low and upset to look for outside help. I think yes you have failed her here and you need to contact and apologise. I feel so sorry for her she's lost her partner and the support of her parents in one week she probably feels very alone.

"You’re a mean, cold hearted, nasty person masquerading as a parent."

Really? Some really horrible responses on this thread. There is absolutely no reason to speak to the OP this way. She's said she's been unreasonable, stop with the kicking.

I would take the fabric back. Every time you look at it it will remind you of what shitty parents you are.

God that's harsh!
Maybe a reminder of how shitty many on this thread think she is...
I'm hoping OP isn't as cold in real life.

Wow, I've just read TFT.

Really shocked at your lack of compassion and concern for your dd! She's reached out to you, upset and vulnerable, and you've prioritised saving a few quid on fabric shopping?!?

You've clearly shown her when she is in the priority list, that's for sure. And I doubt it's the first time either.

If someone reached out to me like that - family or friend, I'd try to be there for them let alone my own daughter... what is wrong with you two?!

Well I really hope your fabric is out of stock!

Your daughter needed you. You should have been there no matter what. My mum and dad flew home from a holiday early to be with me when my partner left. I'm not suggesting that's what everyone should do, nor did I ask/expect them to. But they wanted to make sure their daughter had the support I needed.

I hope you can rebuild your relationship with her. I personally would find it very hard to forgive a bit of fabric on sale being chosen over me.

Why are some people saying they don't think this is true? Some parents are exactly like this (and worse)

I would have gone without hesitation to a dd in such distress.

The one occasion when I didn't and couldn't, which made me feel dreadful, was when she was on the other side of the world, in NZ.

I still think it's the DH calling the shots and the OP is going along with it to keep the peace...surreptitiously texting her dd afterwards to try and make amends while hoping that he won't notice.

Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

Dealing with this isn't going to be straightforward because it's going to mean questioning your whole approach to parenting and family life, and your husband's too. Maybe you will need to challenge your DH. You seem to have some sense that your DD's feelings matter and that what you have done might not be the best way. He has none of that sense at all.

I cant imagine any sale stopping my mum coming to me if i needed her, even if m&s did a once in a lifetime penny sale of all items she'd still miss it!! (And that woman LOVES m&s! Lol).

DH and I can sometimes see why her relationships break down Other pps have picked up on this, about the fact that she didn't have decent role models in relation to relationships. I suspect that it is also to do with her being brought up to feel that she did not deserve to be love and cherished and to have her emotional needs met and had not learned how to receive or reciprocate - because you consistently failed to meet her emotional needs - and following on from that she either chooses men who treat her the way you treated her and there is inevitable fall out at some point OR she choose men who want to love and cherish her but she feels such powerful dissonance from the fact that the narrative you gave her was that she was not lovable or worthy of being cherished and that to be loved and cherished was not a normal state, she sabotages.

I imagine chances are you struggle with similar issues and you think that the way you behave is normal because it is how it was taught to you.

Contact her. Your DH is an adult man who, apart from seemingly being 'too tired to drive' at only 60 (I'm nearly 60 and if I didn't drive 35 miles I wouldn't get tot he shops), seems to rule the roost and tell you what you should and shouldn't do. Your DD is hurting and possibly fearing for her home, job and entire life going forward.

You're not 90, 35 miles on rural roads is nothing, and someone close to you is in pain out there. Go.

This thread has made me really uncomfortable. I appreciate we only have a snippet of information but my reaction to ops comments:

• just because your DH or parents wouldn't have gone to your aid at age 30+ doesn't make it right.
• you imply DD has had lots of break ups and therefore should be better equipped to deal with them. If her dream is to get married and havr children, each break up will be harder to deal with not easier. She will be thinking 'whats wrong me' (nothing) which is reinforced by her parents labelling her fiery and say things like not surprised another relationship has finished.
• a finished relationship is not a failure of hers, it just didn't work out. but I think your DD may see it as such. Marriage does not validate you as a person. It's 2019.
• just because your ds doesn't articulate his need for support in the same way your DD does doesn't mean he doesn't need it. You just don't know. Plus different ppl need different things. Maybe he does need less emotional support at the moment. And she needs more. That's ok. Everyone is different and has different life experiences.
• you have labelled your DD as difficult and fiery and put her in that box. It can very harmful to label ppl in this way
• you say you brought up your children the same so it must be her personality.every child is different and should be parented differently.
• why on earth would you want your DD to drive when she was so upset. It's not safe.
• do you think your daughter wants to be so upset and ask for help? Probably not
• she probably lashes out and says unpleasant things because she feel unloved and that you invalidate her feelings. Ppl lash out when they have depression.
• if she's abusing you verbally, I think you may be abusing her with benign neglect.
• 'ive sent her a text, what else can I do' - this is ridiculous. You drive to her house, after stopping at m&s for lasagne, garlic bread and chocolate.
• you are independent from your DH, your actions do not have to be the same

I really feel for your dd

@WombOfOnesOwn you are so right about the texts. My mum sounds similar to the OP. She was a spiteful and controlling mum when I was little, she is distant and incapable of empathy and has actually got worse as she has aged. Nowadays she sends me sentimental cards and texts that grate because they are so far removed from my experience of our relationship.
That being said, 35 years ago when I broke up with my fiancée days before we completed on the house we had bought together, my normally detached mum drove a 100 mile round trip to bring me ‘home’. It’s the memory of that one spontaneous act of kindness that has stopped me going totally NC with her and helps me support her through her old age.

I totally agree with AmaryllisNightandDay above.
Love is an action, not a mere feeling. Even abusive parents feel as though they love their children. It is the day-in-day-out actions that are love. The small kindnesses, the thoughtfulness, the drive at two in the morning to hold a hand. The pyjamas on the radiator for after a bath. The note in a lunchbox on a tough day. The always pleased to see you face. The quietly placed cup of tea by the side of a bed. The arm round a shoulder.

Your wrong OP, you need to apologise to your daughter and your husband sounds awful.

Having your own relationship with your daughter doesn't undermine your DH.

I think you are being totally unreasonable. He's 60 not 80 and you wanted to look at fabric. How do you think that made her feel?

I hope you never need to call on her for help as I know what I would say.

My daughter has a nice life because of me and DH, we set her up educationally and financially.
Wow, if this isn't 'but we took you to stately homes' I don't know what is!

You describe your dd as 'fiery and dramatic'. Have you ever wondered why she might be that way? Perhaps it's because it's the only way she can think of to get you to take notice??
So she sent some abusive texts. After she had approached her parents in an emotional hour of need and they basically told her to suck it up and that she was lower on their priority list than a fabric sale. And they weren't abusive, just stating what a clearly facts. Not sure what you expected tbh.