Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

I wonder if she’s had so many Relationship breakups because she has attachment issues caused by her own parents!?

Good point fedup

Every update makes you sound worse. The way you talk about your poor daughter makes it sound like she is an inconvenience to you. Why did you have kids? You don't stop being a parent when they leave home ffs. Your DH sounds like a typical prize prick entitled and selfish bleating on about 'his time' no doubt says 'done my years of parenting' when in actual fact he probably did the bare minimum

My parents would drop anything to support my brother and I! They always would! That's what being a parent is! My mum is the most wonderful and supportive person in the world and I'm pretty obsessed with her! I really hope that I am as supportive for my children when they are older, but as I'm obsessed with them too, I think it's likely!

My brother has called me before at 2am from Cheltenham (I'm in Worcester) as he had been beaten up and I drove there without a second thought! It's what you do as a family!

A family works to support each other when they need it, age isnt a factor. My mum had cancer i supported her, taking her to appts, holding her whilst she cried, cooking etc whatever needed. When things go wrong eg dh made redundant weve both to return to parents until he got job again (my job flexible and follows me but pays for food not rent hence why had to give flat up). Everyone helps where they can!

I think the two of you don't work enough, tbh - you have too much time to put yourself first and it's made you precious, self-absorbed, and absurdly stuck in your ways. (It's happened a bit to my parents when they retired - they've become obsessed with their routine and the minutia of their day.) Although clearly, the two of you have been cold and detached for a long time. (You can see why she always gets dumped... Nice.)

I hope this is a reverse if it's real.

I hope that the OP is the daughter - and I hope she is reassured by the comments on this thread the she is not the difficult one; she is not being selfish or unreasonable,; and that she would be wise to distance herself from her bloody awful parents and not allow them to guilt her into maintaining this toxic, damaging, esteem-destroying relationship.

My Mum is 72 and came to see me in a city a good hour away this week because I'm working away in a new job and she worried I'd be lonely
I'm 37. And I hadnt asked her to. Yabu unless there's a huge backstory and/or she does this all the time..

I’ve been texting my daughter.

Why texting? Why not just press that dial button and TALK to her?

My DH is over 60, works 4 days a week now but it includes 3 hours commuting on the days he's in the office.
He also slept over in the hospital when DS, who is 7, was very ill in March.
We have a 5 year old too who is in night nappies and this morning he did clean up, got their breakfast, and took the younger one to breakfast club before his commute.
So sod right off with your "tired".
I am not too sure he'll be still running to help them when they are 30, but I'll be well over 60 then and I certainly will be.

I feel hugely sorry for your dd.
I doubt your relationship can come back from this. You are not the parents that she needed you to be. Have you considered that she could have been suicidal?

Your behaviour does sound self centred and unfeeling and also self righteous. Maybe your own parenting was poor and did not model emotional support.

If this thread IS real and l have my doubts, then OP you are an utter DISGRACE.

She has always been like this and can be very nasty. While I would obviously never say this to her, DH and I can sometimes see why her relationships break down. She’s very intense and can be critical.

What a horrible way to speak about someone let alone your own daughter.

Your lack of self awareness means you probably won't get anything out of this thread because every time you post something like the above you think it is a justification but it just reiterates what people already think of you on here.

Nasty, poor relationship management and critical. I wonder where she got her negative traits from eh.

Oh come on, this can't be real.

OP, you are chillingly cruel, and your DH sounds worse.
I agree with a PP who said:

"She is what you have made her with your selfishness and emotional distance. Congratulations."

How many people kicking the OP have actually got adult children??

Me. Our relationship was also "fiery." So much so that during her teen years I called the local version of SS to help us. She was off the rails and I was completely broken, handling everything badly.

Even so, when she was grown & independent and I got the phone call that she needed me I was there first thing in the morning, having crossed 3 countries through the night to be there.

And she would do the same for me, no matter how the good the sales were.

It saddens me OP that you clearly care more about the things your daughter said to you than the way you acted towards her.

I imagine your DD knows you don't really like her and and prefer her brother. She probably feels dependent on you as you have supported her financially and you clearly feel she should feel indebted towards you.

Love to a child should be unconditional and freely given.

I'd be delighted if my DD turned to me at 30 for support. I'd feel it was testament to our relationship and I'd be there for her no matter what.

Do you not drive. Why is you going dependent on your husband?

I don't but I have a 60+ husband and my children take a LOT more care.

I think this is true .

"We took you to stately homes " thread shows this .
This is her "normal".

I do know people like this . ( not my parents thankfully). Me and my H have to be "invited " .

You keep going on about your Dd's fiery temper, but reading your OP and updates your husband isn't exactly a calm person either.

Must have been that one very fiery sperm that found your egg when your DD was conceived.

Yet somehow she's the problem.

I'm glad you aren't my mother.

Another one with adult children here. When 30 year old DD had a burglary and her partner was away, we drove 30 miles to hers, DH sorted out securing the door which they'd levered off the frame, and we took her back because she didn't feel secure sleeping there. Then I gave her a lift to work the following day and helped her liaise with police, locksmiths etc. DH and I both work full time. I'm not claiming sainthood, it just never occurred to us to do anything else.

Thank God you are not my Parents. You are a disgrace both of you.

What's a 'reverse' ??

Morning OP - did you reflect overnight? Had any revelations about your parenting and behaviour? I still cannot believe you didn’t go over that night let alone the next day. But you got to look at the material even though husband was tired. I expect that if a neighbour or crony wanted help you would be there like a shot “keeping up appearances”. Cold, critical parenting has lasting effects upon children who learn from us. Go and see your daughter alone, spend some time with her, apologise for your short comings. How would your husband react?

How often does your daughter have these demanding outbursts? If it is very often, then I can understand why on this occasion you didnt drop everything and go over ... and things in families always do crop up on the one day you have something planned.

Was there a reason your daughter could not drive over to you?

I think, if it was an isolated event and she was really too traumatised to drive over, then I think I would have gone over to her ...

What can you do now ... send a card or something from amazon, invite her over, go over to her this week. How much you all want to make up or enjoy big drama will be a major factor. Good luck.

I'm so shocked by what I've just read I just had to reply.

I'm nearly 40 and still ask for support from my parents, in fact I moved in with them for 6 weeks with 2 children after my c section as DH works away.

I would also return the support if they ever need any care, DM is under the weather and I'm contacting her twice daily to check if she needs anything.

Let's hope you don't need urgent help from your daughter in the future as she might be too busy shopping