OP, I’m glad you’ve reached out to your daughter. Please don’t just dismiss what she’s said, or the comments here - you have a rare opportunity here. She’s told you how she feels. Others have told you how your actions are perceived by others, whether you agree or not. For the sake of your daughter, please do some self-reflection on whether she has a point here. You call what she said abuse, but what she said was demonstrably true from your posts alone. She’s backed down now because she wants to build bridges and she knows saying this won’t get her anywhere. I know this because I’ve been your daughter.
My mum always priortised other things over us and supporting us emotionally. Like you, she could pluck out some example from over a decade ago where she begrudgingly gave support and that was supposed to be the end of it.
With my mum, it was mainly men she prioritised, in many and hurtful ways (even she would have struggled to prioritise a fabric sale over us, I must say). This all came to a head when I was about your daughter’s age. My vile abusive husband had something truly awful. Again. She needed my support (again). I literally dropped everything for her for a month - she begged me to take his place on a holiday she’d booked. I cancelled work and dropped everything to go with her. Within a few days i overheard her on the phone arranging to fly me home and fly him out to replace me.
I told her I was done. When she got back she came to my house. I wouldn’t let her in. I wouldn’t answer the phone to her. I honestly planned to never speak to her again.
Then she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I dropped everything for her last 18 months - wound up my business even so I could spend as much time with her as possible. We talked a lot and she was so remorseful for the way she had treated us. Sadly it took her facing death for her to realise, when it was almost too late for us to have the relationship we both really wanted.
Two months before she died she embarked on a trip round the world. By the time she got to Australia she was very sick and was going to die there. My sister and I started making arrangements to travel there. But my mum wanted to come home to us. As soon as she was medically cleared, she flew home from Australia with a partially obstructed bowel, unable to eat, vomiting constantly.
We got another month together. She could have stayed where she was, but she came home because she wanted to be with us. She was 61, by the way.
I know you’re reading this and thinking “I’m nothing like that”. But i can see it, and I know where it ends up.
You say you deserve some life of your own and that’s true. But you also admit that this is not a common request from her, and that you had completely non-essential plans. You say you just wanted to prioritise your plans for once, but can only think of an example from more than a decade ago where she interrupted your plans. My mum had a very “I’ve raised you, it’s my life now” attitude as well.
Spending a day supporting your daughter could have strengthened your relationship and helped her immeasurably but it wasn’t a priority for you.
Your daughter has just been through a break up, and she asked her parents for support and they “declined” because there was a sale on (and literally said this to her). She must feel completely alone in the world. You can fix that but first you have to truly understand what she’s saying and why your actions were so hurtful. Forget about right and wrong for a minute and focus on what you want for your relationship with your daughter.
You say she’s difficult and fiery and always has been. I’ve never been like that except with my mother - whenever I saw her I’d emotionally regress back to being that teenager who was so angry with her for never putting us first.
You seem to find it strange that a 30 year old still needs emotional parental support- I’m gong to make a wild guess that your mum wasn’t very forthcoming with the emotional support and you never had it either? That was certainly the case with my mum.
If your DH left you or passed away, I’m sure you’d want and expect your DD to be there for you. Yes, you’ve had a much longer relationship but when painful things happen most of us want support from our family.
I’m sure this will fall on deaf ears but at least I’ve tried.