My world has fallen apart at 50. I have no idea what to do.

[DowntonTrout]

H left me 2 weeks ago after almost 30 years. I knew he was stressed about work but didn’t see this coming at all.
After our marriage, when we had kids, he asked me to stay home and raise the family and look after him so he could concentrate on building a business and providing for us.
Even up to 6 weeks ago he was still talking about our future together, us selling the business and buying somewhere abroad and finally spending time together. And now he’s gone.
I have no idea about finances. No joint account. Everything is in his filing cabinet at the office.
He is in complete control. I feel like he’s pulled my whole future from under me. I’m relying on him giving me money and I know the house will have to go. I have no qualifications, no experience, have no pension of my own.
I know I’ve been an idiot. Every cliche I’ve heard about women staying at home and being oblivious to finances etc applies to me. I have night terrors and sleep paralysis which was occasional but is now every night so I’m afraid to go to sleep and am having anxiety attacks when I wake up so it isn’t helping. I’m usually such a strong, confident person that I’m struggling to cope with this.
All our friends are couples so it’s awkward, my parents are dead and I have no other family to speak to. My brother is abroad. Our youngest is away in education. The older two are grown up with children of their own.
I’m so sad and scared, I don’t know where to start.

@Xenia I wouldn’t blackmail him. It would destroy all of us. But I do know things about him that show how ruthless he’s been and could potentially be with me. That’s scary.

I do know things that could send him to jail
Good, find the proof of this and keep it in your back pocket.
It's good you are seeing your GP.
Sleep will really help so definitely get that sorted out!
You will feel like this for a while so again, get any help you can.
Get out and about with friends if you can.
Visit your DC as often as you can.
You've been together a long time. He cannot make a huge profit next year and leave you out of it. Make sure any solicitor is aware and they can help protect you.
It's awful OP. No doubt about it.
Just take each day at a time.
You can do this.
You will do this.
And amazingly, you will come out stronger for it.
You won't see that for a while, but you will - trust us!

Really glad you've seen a solicitor and are planning to see GP.

You're stronger than you think you are.

Of course, you will feel low because this bastard is trying to screw you over. Fight him with everything you've got. Please tell your children; they will be a great support to you.

OP, can you see a counsellor? This is a crisis, hard to process anything when in shock? You can tell them all your thoughts if you feel you can't say them to anyone else and they need somewhere to go. Look for BCAP counsellors in your area then give them a call and outline your situation - just to deal with the now, the current situation so you can feel more yourself when looking at the bigger picture, it will help. The other thing I would suggest is not conversing with him alone. He is prepared and you are not, you are ploughing through shock and he is not. I don't think you are yet able to hear/consent/challenge with a clear head. Lots of people here behind you, thinking of you.

I think you can point out to him that he has the choice between a fair settlement or a forensic accountant doing a full in depth review where you will have to disclose everything you know about the company.

I probably watch too much TV, but I would write a full account of all the dodgy stuff you know about him and leave it in a sealed envelope with your solicitor to be opened ‘in the event’. If he backs you into a corner at any time, you can also mention this to him to get you out. I really do watch too much TV.

Chunkers you may well watch too much TV but there's nothing wrong with an 'insurance policy' in this situation. The man has - as the OP has now realised - been gaslighting her, possibly for years and years. Gloves off I'd say and your suggestion is a very good one.

How long before the new project starts to show benefits? It may well be worth quietly getting your ducks in a row and protecting your position as best you can whilst playing dumb and then push the button on the solicitor and forensic accountant as soon as the new project starts to show its value.

My GP has given me some stuff that will help me sleep. I think they’re antidepressants to relive anxiety.

He’s also referred me to a counsellor on their IAPT service who I can see tomorrow as there was a cancellation.

I have already thought about writing a letter to be held by my solicitor. I dismissed it thinking I’m being too dramatic but I’m considering it again now.

The ground beneath your feet has been completely pulled away from you, this is completely psychologically destabilising no wonder you are struggling, from what you said about him he has done this on purpose to give him a strategic advantage.
You've known this man for a long time you can predict his behaviour and read his mind to a certain extent, please find it in yourself to be as ruthless and strategic as he is being, it's good that you're going to the doctor's, all the help you can get... grab it with both hands!

You're entitled to be as dramatic as you like right now OP, especially if the ensuing action keeps you safe from his ruthlessness.

OP, you poor woman.
This is just shocking for you.
Of course you are reeling.

I am delighted you have gotten something to take the edge off and are going to see someone.

Both hugely positive steps. Well done you!
You are a strong women and will cope and thrive.

Great advice above.

Start writing down everything you can remember.
You can organise it chronologically later.
Just keep writing things that are pertinent to the business down.
Also your husband's dodgy actions.

Tell him nothing.
Play devastated and docile regarding what you are doing.

Forensic accountant all the way.

There is obviously a lot of money at stake so the long game could be key.

Is there any way you can contact the other ex-wife.
Perhaps she has some wisdom and knowledge.

You need support IRL.

I absolutely believe from what you have written this has been planned for some time but don't let him know you suspect.

Silence is your friend in this.

Lull him into feeling that he has pulled a fast one for as long as possible.

You will get through this OP.

The trick, is to get through this, with a shit load of money.

Which you wholly deserve.

💐💐💐

@DowntonTrout I'm glad you went to see your gp op. And don't worry we've all had those thoughts at some stage. What you're going through is incredibly tough and you're very very brave.

I would actually get legal advise on putting off the divorce until the settlement is through next year.

My ex tried to get me to sign over my shares for nil consideration a few days before I gave birth. Some men, like you husband have no scruples.

Make sure you get copies off all the accounts before he blocks you from all access. Defo get a forensic accountant.

It's time to pull up your big girl socks and fight dirty. Don't worry we have your back. This was literally my life 2 years ago and I had a baby slap bang in the middle of it.

Playing the part of devastated but docile wife could be a very good strategy, if you give the appearance of someone who is completely falling apart and unable to cope he will think you're a complete pushover and that he doesn't need to work too hard?

I think that having those dark thoughts is a reflection of how traumatized and blindsided you've been your mind is reeling and has nothing to grab onto
One way to help cope with this is to have a routine, it's like a framework or a structure that you can use to get you through the day
at 10 a.m. you do this at 12 noon you do that, at 2pm you eat this etc etc, think of it as a handrail to hold on to to stop you from stumbling.

Start by seeking legal advice. You are married, it doesn't matter that you were a SAHM and don't work, you are entitled to 50% of the assets that have been amassed during the marriage.

The courts will understand that he was only able to build up the business and make is successful because you stayed at home and provided the childcare.

In terms of him telling you what to do: he can't, so don't let him, it's as simple as that. You need to do what is best for you now, your children are adults and don't need protecting.

Best of luck, OP, you are more than capable of getting through this and building a new life

I forgot how to do flowers 🙄

It’s the word flowers in square brackets

He’s going to screw me over isn’t he.

He'll try but he's unlikely to succeed.

It’s a biggish company with lots of offices and staff over two locations

That plays right into your hands. There will be accurate, audited accounts available to obtain from companies office and also his auditor, his lenders and the revenue (unless he is actively tax evading, these will be ballpark accurate). He can be compelled to provide any such documents as are relevant to financial proceedings.

It also sounds like the sort of large going concern which does not rely on one man - very saleable and less able to be rapidly folded and poured into a new phoenix company to avoid divorce settlement.

You just need to grit the divorce process out, you'll be fine.

Go and make a will, leave to your children.

" I was a director but it seems I have relinquished my shares 🙄"

This man is trying to pull the wool over your eyes and is relying on you not understanding how these things work. Owning shares is just like owning a pair of shoes or any other thing. They can't be 'relinquished' without your involvement any more than someone could just take your shoes - there are processes which need to be followed and documentation which you would need to sign. Also, being a director is unrelated to holding shares - in a small company, directors are often shareholders but you don't automatically have to hold shares to be a director. By the way, every English company is registered with Companies House and is obliged by law to file certain information annually, such as accounts and information relating to ownership and control of the company. All that information is publicly available via the Companies House website (though sometimes it's necessary to pay a small fee to retrieve it). So you can check out the position without his involvement. Tracing ownership of the company through the filings can be a somewhat convoluted process but a solicitor will be able to carry out a search for you and interpret the results. You should flag this to your solicitor immediately. I'm afraid this suggests that he is willing to behave dishonestly in relation to you - financially as well as emotionally. As others have said, he doesn't get to tell you who you can tell and what you can say to them about his departure - you're not his PR agent and you have no obligation to manage his image. According to him, he's been unhappy for 4 weeks out of a 30 year relationship so now he's off. You owe him nothing and his suggestion that you should protect him from the consequences of his actions is pathetic.

I'm not sure why your solicitor has said to wait - that seems counter intuitive but I'm not a legal expert!

I've found going to my solicitor almost as good as therapy. They are brilliant at joining the dots.

When I went to my solicitor the first time I spent an hour getting it all out and she was amazing. She made notes on it all, joined dots, used it to negotiate in the cleverest, most subtle but devastatingly effective way.

One example. He gave me an amount each month, more than the CSA would ask. I felt like I shouldn't ask for anything more because it might make me look grabby.

But she pointed out - He was better off after we separated. Less childcare, shared bills with new live in lover, I was worse off. Had to take every single shift, sell everything and take on vast majority of childcare. That simply wasn't fair. It didn't matter that he was giving me a "generous" amount each month. There was an imbalance. It was like a bloody eureka moment and having someone knowledgeable in your corner makes life seem so much sweeter.

Given how crooked he's capable of being in your position I'd definitely act like a sad wounded puppy in any dealings with him. He doesn't need to know there's a rod of steel inside. Not yet.

I would speak to the other wife who was recently ditched by the other director. She is further down the road so hopefully has more information on what they are planning

^^ What desperatesux says, with bells on! Not only could she be a good source of 'intel' (and vice versa), but the two of you might also be good sources of mutual support for each other.

And bollocks to not telling your DC! He only wants that because he knows exactly whose 'side' they'll be on.

Op, if you're not sure whether your shares have been relinquished or not, put your name or your company name i to the Companies house website, you can see lots of information on there and it should say if a director (you) has 'resigned' .