My world has fallen apart at 50. I have no idea what to do.

[DowntonTrout]

H left me 2 weeks ago after almost 30 years. I knew he was stressed about work but didn’t see this coming at all.
After our marriage, when we had kids, he asked me to stay home and raise the family and look after him so he could concentrate on building a business and providing for us.
Even up to 6 weeks ago he was still talking about our future together, us selling the business and buying somewhere abroad and finally spending time together. And now he’s gone.
I have no idea about finances. No joint account. Everything is in his filing cabinet at the office.
He is in complete control. I feel like he’s pulled my whole future from under me. I’m relying on him giving me money and I know the house will have to go. I have no qualifications, no experience, have no pension of my own.
I know I’ve been an idiot. Every cliche I’ve heard about women staying at home and being oblivious to finances etc applies to me. I have night terrors and sleep paralysis which was occasional but is now every night so I’m afraid to go to sleep and am having anxiety attacks when I wake up so it isn’t helping. I’m usually such a strong, confident person that I’m struggling to cope with this.
All our friends are couples so it’s awkward, my parents are dead and I have no other family to speak to. My brother is abroad. Our youngest is away in education. The older two are grown up with children of their own.
I’m so sad and scared, I don’t know where to start.

You can say whatever you want to your children- they are all adults & he isn’t in charge of you.
You need professional legal advice.

You can say what you want to who you want. You don't owe him anything now. Talk to your dc of your feel it's appropriate (I presume they are adults now). Also go and see a solicitor. Find out what you should and shouldn't do, don't take his word for how much he has, he'll likely lie.

Tell whomever YOU want! Take the support they offer! He can’t control everything.. let them hear yourside of the story before he tells them a concocted story ..
best wishes OP .. cannot even imagine what you must be going through.. 🌷

‘My H has phoned me to tell me not to involve the kids’

What, your cheating H that has abandoned you? Why would you listen for even a second to what he tells you he wants you to do from now on?

This man is no longer your partner he is your opponent
you must put yourself first, do everything you can to look after your own health and well-being
be very strategic and do what is in your own best long term interests

What is his side exactly ?
Has he always told you what to do?!

Ahh, the affair. How nasty for you.

Talk to your DD, he doesn't get to say who you talk to. Tell people and tell people why. It's not "nothing", he's been having an affair.

Be aware that this will follow a pattern, he'll come back, he'll carry on with his secret ways whilst blaming you/her/mid-life crisis (which doesn't exist by the way) etc. Don't let him yo-yo in and out of your life.

OP I’m so sorry. Please listen to the posters here who are telling you not to take any notice of what he wants.

I would love to know what he told the kids...

Thank you, thank you. I am reading every one of your comments but it’s difficult to reply to everything.

I have money atm, I’m paid through the business for tax purposes I guess. He is currently saying he will keep paying for everything for now but I know that will change. He want to speak to me about “moving forward.”

There is no joint account. I’m on the mortgage, it’s nearly paid off but there is a charge on the mortgage for some borrowing the company undertook for capital expenditure. I was a director but it seems I have relinquished my shares 🙄 I have his bank cards and credit cards here.

I have an appointment now but I will read everything and come back later.

He sounds like a right little bully.

You tell everyone exactly what a shock this has been.
Go to your GP.
Get a recommendation of a good solicitor.
Make an appointment to see the solicitor.

So sorry for this awful shock.
💐

Book a solicitor's appointment ASAP

Tell who you want the full story. Your ridiculous husband has been having an affair or trying to.

Cliched middle age crisis...how fucking predictable. He is beneath contempt and it is waaaay over time for you to look put for your own interests

The solicitor will tell you what your rights are and any charges will come off your divorce settlement. It will be better, much better, than you are currently torturing yourself with, I promise.

Let your husband implode his own life but do not let him drag you down with him. You can do this.

My H has phoned me to tell me not to involve the kids so I feel like I can’t even show my feelings in my own home although he has sat them down and explained his side to them. I feel trapped

Oh no,no,no,no,no. You tell or show them whatever you feel you want to, why shouldn't you? He made sure he got in first and told his lies side. How dare he!

So six weeks ago, when you were discussing selling the business and moving overseas, who initiated that conversation? Was it him? Could the business be in trouble?

I am asking because I have seen this before. Man takes in role of the great provider, but when that does tits up, runs away rather than own up to the reality. Is this a possibility?

He told the kids that he had provided for us all for 27 years and that he didn’t want to do it anymore.
He said there was nothing going on with a girl, she kept texting him and he has told her to go away.
He just isn’t happy.
DD said show me your phone then and he refused.

Wow, OP. I really feel for you, what a horrible shock.

Let your daughter help you, she's obviously there because she wants to support you.

Your husband has no right whatsoever to control what you say to your family. You are only trapped by habit and your sense of what is 'right', and possibly by fear, shock and uncertainty.

As for the practical ways you will get through this: Write lists. Day at a time. Rest when you can.

Take care, OP.

HE does not get to tell you what to do. You lean on whoever you want.
Your DC are grown up now and it’s up to them if they want to support you or not. NOT HIM!
Stop listening to his bullshit!

Get yourself to a solicitor asap.
One that offers a free half hour or reduced rate first session would be a good start, so ring around.
Some take their fee on settlement so make sure you know what their payment terms are.

Don’t worry about the pension for now – you are entitled to half of his.
Get the house valued. You own half of that too. As you haven’t worked for a long time you may also be entitled to spousal maintenance.

But if you are capable for working then start looking for work. Go to agencies and talk to consultants.
At a later date, you could think about your own business. Cleaning, dog walking, etc……

Phone citizens advice and find out what you are entitled to, that is benefits etc…..
I can’t stress this enough ‘TELL EVERYONE’

Get your story out there. He’s a liar and a cheat and everyone needs to know this. He will be re-writing history so don’t allow that to happen.
He will need to discuss finances with you at some point. If you don’t want to then tell him to do everything via your solicitor.

Is he a high earner? Does his company make good money?

1st step – Get support – tell everyone.
2nd step – Legal advice!!!!
The rest you can do as and when you are ready.

Look after yourself.
Solid food might not be good right now but keep yourself hydrated and your sugar levels up. Sugary tea, soups, smoothies, even ice-lollies.
You will not be a burden so reach out, people will want to help you and be there for you.

Let me find ‘the script’ as this will help you to see what is to come from him. Believe us all here, when we tell you, they are all the same, they follow it to a ‘T'

That was quick.
Have a read of THIS THREAD

He is trying to control the narrative getting his side of the story out first and actually telling you not to tell your side 😳
manipulative but transparently so, you can easily out manoeuvre him 😊
(But play dumb and humour him, don't give any information away don't tip him off about anything, let him put his cards on the table but keep yours close to your chest or better still give the impression that you have no cards at all)

Yep the silly berk is having a midlife crisis affair - or trying to. Maybe the business is in trouble too. Don't do what HE says in any way, OP. You need to regard him as the enemy now, harsh as that seems. Look after your own interests now - he's certainly looking after his!

Buggar your H telling you not to talk to your children!
Who the hell does he think he is?
Dont leave the family home and please dont take him back if he comes crawling.
Does anyone know how to get into a locked filing cabinet?
Please prioritise seeing a gp, you can get sleeping pills for the short term.
And ditto with a solicitor. Do lean on friends, that's what they're for
And be kind to yourself, you're going through a lot.
You're entitled to at least half but sounds like he could have been squirreling it so do everything you can to find out what hes got. This includes pension.
You could get a part time job or volunteer to keep busy, get out and boost your skills and confidence?
Above all, screw him, hes not behaved well at all.

I was a director but it seems I have relinquished my shares When were you taken off as a director? You can check this yourself on Companies House Beta. Did you sign anything re the shares?

"""This man is no longer your partner he is your opponent
you must put yourself first, do everything you can to look after your own health and well-being "
THIS!
He doesnt want you to talk to the kids because he has told them a self serving sob story which you would probably be in a position to contradict and he doesn't want them to feel sympathy for you, but for him.
How did you suddenly become no longer a shareholder? This sounds like its be a long time in the making and he's been planning this for a while but is presenting it as a bombshell.
He is protecting his financial interests and you should do the same.
Collect any paperwork, snoop on the phones and pc because you have a fight on your hands and call a solicitor asap. The more information you have - the better able you will be to rebuild your life.
So sorry it may seem like a nightmare now but you will get through this. Best of luck xxx

It sounds as if your daughter has the measure of him. If your shares have been removed without your knowledge or consent, that is potentially very serious for him - it's fraudulent. The fact that until very recently you were a co-director and have now been forced out will not play well. I wonder if you can do him for sex discrimination (you were in a relationship and he has effectively demoted you now that it is over)? Good luck

As far as I know you'd be entitled to half his pension and half the house. Is it big enough to buy two smaller places?

Go to a solicitor asap. It will help with anxiety to do something proactive.

If you don't mind saying your general location (you could namechange) you might get recommendations on here for shit hot lawyers.

I'm in Ireland but supermarkets here stock a herbal tablet called Kalms. I've found them useful for anxiety and sleep.

I'm sorry this has happened you.