My world has fallen apart at 50. I have no idea what to do.

[DowntonTrout]

H left me 2 weeks ago after almost 30 years. I knew he was stressed about work but didn’t see this coming at all.
After our marriage, when we had kids, he asked me to stay home and raise the family and look after him so he could concentrate on building a business and providing for us.
Even up to 6 weeks ago he was still talking about our future together, us selling the business and buying somewhere abroad and finally spending time together. And now he’s gone.
I have no idea about finances. No joint account. Everything is in his filing cabinet at the office.
He is in complete control. I feel like he’s pulled my whole future from under me. I’m relying on him giving me money and I know the house will have to go. I have no qualifications, no experience, have no pension of my own.
I know I’ve been an idiot. Every cliche I’ve heard about women staying at home and being oblivious to finances etc applies to me. I have night terrors and sleep paralysis which was occasional but is now every night so I’m afraid to go to sleep and am having anxiety attacks when I wake up so it isn’t helping. I’m usually such a strong, confident person that I’m struggling to cope with this.
All our friends are couples so it’s awkward, my parents are dead and I have no other family to speak to. My brother is abroad. Our youngest is away in education. The older two are grown up with children of their own.
I’m so sad and scared, I don’t know where to start.

Oh bugger lass.

Others have the wise words. I'll just send you a handhold to get through this, and through it you'll get for sure.

PicsInRed Wed 20-Nov-19 17:36:08

As part of divorce disclosure, I would request the business accounts submitted to lending institutions over the past 7 years in addition to the tax returns in order to get the best possible view of the profit and cash flow of the business - he might on paper short the profit for tax purposes, but he won't for borrowing purposes. wink

fiendishly clever!

Do you have a bank account?
Or does he pay you into his account?
In which case just how much does he actually pay you, as appose to what he gives you .
Check the accounts online, just search your name.

Good advice from @Billy1966
Do it as soon as you can. How exactly have you relinquished your shares without your knowledge?? That sounds dodgy AF. This is the type of thing you need to tell the solicitor.

I know he told you and left within 9 minutes I might be wrong but this sounds like it has had months of planning behind it.

I doubt he woke up and just decided to leave that day

Has the Op left this thread?

She is probably taking some time to deal with stuff in real life. She is not a new poster so this is not a first post and run thread.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude

Well she needs to take action now before her husband shafts her..

She may well be following up on the thread suggestions. I am sure we would be happier to find that she has been using her time for that than updating MN.

You are right that she does need to act, there is something fishy about the shareholding

I’m here. I’m reading everything. I will be back.

@DowntonTrout

Don't let him win..

Does anyone know anything about future earnings?
If, for example, there was no profit/debts in the business today because of cash flow/ capital expenditure etc but if in a couple of years it was sold for ...let’s say a life changing amount of money.?

Does anyone know anything about future earnings?

Downton my dear, there are some brilliant & knowledgeable posters on MN, & you may get some answers to that question here - BUT, first up, you need to engage a solicitor. A really, really, good solicitor who will be capable of exploding any pre-planning your DH has done with regard to hiding assets & minimising his obligations to you.

I'm also concerned about this "seems I have relinquished my shares" business. It all sounds dodgy AF. You HAVE to get a lawyer, & possibly a forensic accountant, onto this. Unpalatable as it is to consider, it's possible that DH has been planning this for some time, & has already taken steps to diddle you out of a fair share of assets. His whole "I'm unhappy" then exiting "to a hotel" within 9 minutes flat is deeply suspect. Be on your guard.

Have you got on to getting a solicitor yet, because that's the person that can really handle the tricky stuff like you've just asked? Very good sign that you're asking though; you are getting your practical brain in gear and no longer completely overwhelmed by things.
for you OP. We're all in your corner.

You say he's in a hotel because he wants "me time". Could this be a mid life crisis? Something could have triggered it. He could be having a mental break down.

This doesn't scream "he's left me forever"

I already spoke to a solicitor. She was a family law specialist who I was sent to by a shit hot divorce lawyer that I know but am unable to use as there is conflict of interest with the law firm she’s at.
Unfortunately things are so complex- more than I’ve stated here- that she was unable to advise me other than my next steps and saying that she “fully expects me to be in the financial position I am in now in the future.”.
Although H said initially that nothing will change financially and that I can have everything he’s already backtracking and the truth is I don’t trust him at all.
I’m so sad though. I am just devastated.

Of course you are devastated; I feel for you- it’s such a shock and a betrayal. But it’s not you - it’s him. Take heart from that, he is behaving badly, and you need to work hard to look after yourself. You deserve it after all this time.

Well, I don't know the legality of this, best ask your SHL (well done for getting one of those, ideal) before you do it...

...but, that filing cabinet in the office - presumably no one else in the office knows about this? And you have keys?

I'd hire a Man with a Van, get them to pick me up and drive to the office, get them to lug the cabinet into the van and stick it in the hallway at home. And then find a key. Or a crowbar.

Bet everything you need to know is in that cabinet. It's information that belongs to you, so get it.

(not a lawyer)

((((Hug)))))

Bastard.

He’s screwing her & trying to screw you over

Top notch shut hit lawyer ASAP

Tell your friends, don’t hide his pathetic mud life crisis for him. I know it feels embarrassing, but the sooner women stop being embarrassed by cheating men, the better off we will all be! It’s not what the women ‘lack’, but what they lack!!

Obviously ignore him telling you not to drag your adult children into it. Your relationship with them is YOUR business, NOT his

Stop talking to him, all correspondence by email so you have a record of it.

Good to read that you understand his take on ‘I’ll pay for everything’ wint last for more than 5 minutes.

You’re entitled to more than 50% (he has greater future earnings than you due to your sacrifices) a shit hot lawyer should get YOU spousal maintenance

I wish I could give you a big hug. Tell all your friends, the ones that aren’t thicker than mince will understand

I wish I could take some of the pain away from you, it’s just so fucking horrible

But don’t let him rewrite history. You have had a good life together and he was happy - despite him rewriting history

It sounds like you have good legal advice. Shame about the SHL, but hopefully the person she put you into is a SHL too. It’s good she’s said she expects you to remain in the same financial position as you’re in now!

Is he a solicitor?

As well as a walker- obviously.

Big big hugs OP ((((((()))))) of course you’re sad - he’s taken your life together & just chucked it aside. It’s devastating & you are allowed to grieve for what you had x

It’s good you don’t trust him - you are 100% right not too.

He can make all the capital expenditure and reinvestment of profits he wants, but the fact of the matter is that there will be (probably audited) accounts he has submitted to banks and other lenders, there will be a customer base with associated cashflows and the business will have a valuation as a going concern - either to be operated by him or to be sold.

He can squirrel and squirm all he wants, but unless he's a tradie doing sneaky cash jobs for the townsfolk, he'll struggle to hide assets from full financial disclosure without foreign connections and decades of pre planning.

Go get him OP. 🤗

op. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. The shock must be enormous. Keep going, stay strong. Talk to whoever you want to.

Of course you’re devastated - he’s ripped your safe life from underneath you and he’s being shockingly cruel. It’s one thing to cite difficulties, changes of feelings, but a good man would at least try to work at it, get counselling, not just fuck off because he’s ‘been unhappy for 4 weeks’?! 4 weeks in 30 years! Selfish arsehole. There’s undoubtedly someone turning his head