My world has fallen apart at 50. I have no idea what to do.

[DowntonTrout]

H left me 2 weeks ago after almost 30 years. I knew he was stressed about work but didn’t see this coming at all.
After our marriage, when we had kids, he asked me to stay home and raise the family and look after him so he could concentrate on building a business and providing for us.
Even up to 6 weeks ago he was still talking about our future together, us selling the business and buying somewhere abroad and finally spending time together. And now he’s gone.
I have no idea about finances. No joint account. Everything is in his filing cabinet at the office.
He is in complete control. I feel like he’s pulled my whole future from under me. I’m relying on him giving me money and I know the house will have to go. I have no qualifications, no experience, have no pension of my own.
I know I’ve been an idiot. Every cliche I’ve heard about women staying at home and being oblivious to finances etc applies to me. I have night terrors and sleep paralysis which was occasional but is now every night so I’m afraid to go to sleep and am having anxiety attacks when I wake up so it isn’t helping. I’m usually such a strong, confident person that I’m struggling to cope with this.
All our friends are couples so it’s awkward, my parents are dead and I have no other family to speak to. My brother is abroad. Our youngest is away in education. The older two are grown up with children of their own.
I’m so sad and scared, I don’t know where to start.

I suspect when the 25% sharheolder left the others decided to reorgnaise things (to what is probably currently 50% her husband and 50% the other partner) and he used that change to have her sign the stock transfer form rather than forged it. So the question would be why wouldn't someone read what they are signing I suppose. However it doesn't actually matter because even if the shares are in his name each spouse is entitled to a shaer of assets in whosever name they are in so eg she might want half his 50% of shares so 25% in case they go up higher later or might take more equity from the house than he gets if she does not want to run the risk the shares might go down in value. A solicitor can advise best once all theh information is there.

It sounds like an extra mortgage was taken out for the benefit of the company charged over the house. With those lenders often require the non working spouse to have their own legal advice but we cannot assume it will be invalid and the problem is often you can spend double the amount you are fighting over by going to course so do sit down witha calculator and best and worst case of what you will win and both of you compromise as that is just about always better than losing every aset you both have to spite the other person and go to court over a 5 year period.

But the company debt is an asset of the marriage.
Also it will be taken into account when the company is valued.
All you can do is pay for help in your case, as it will pay for itself.
Do you have a bank account, as I would either get one, or apply now. Also get a credit card.

@mummmy2017 company debt will reduce the value of the total assets no?

At least it did in our case.

I meant if the money comes out of the company as a family asset say £100k.
It won't effect the profit and loss, but it will meant the 100k is knocked of the value.
Company value £250k, less the loan
£150 so value of £75k which means the other partner 50k of value.
Which then is part of the marital pot.

Downtontrout I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It doesn't at all sound like you are an idiot, you come across as a usually very together and strong woman who thought she had a solid marriage that would go the distance and you carried out the extremely valuable part in that of bringing up 3 children and doing everything else on the domestic side, while your husband carried out his role of going to the office, the perhaps unspoken but very clear agreement being that you could both retire financially well off because of this partnership. It sounds like classic midlife crisis, and he'll do what he can to come out financially better off but you should be very clear in your head that you carried out your HALF of the bargain.

What I did just want to add probably goes without saying, so I'm sorry if that's the case, I'm not meaning to patronise, but your daughters will be reeling, especially your youngest who will still feel like she lives with you even if it is just in the holidays. I completely agree that you shouldn't be told by your H what you should and shouldn't say to them, however in the long term it will not benefit your relationship with them to be too open. Lean on them by all means, but they still need you to to be a mother to them and reassure them that you are going to be okay and even that you are going to try to be civilised with their D for their sakes. I am only saying this from the point of view of a daughter of divorced parents. I think my M maintained her dignity and tried not to talk with me too much about how she truely felt or tell me things that had been said or done that was between them. I really didn't want to know all that as it would just make me feel like I was in an impossible position when I spoke to my F. He on the other hand ended up very bitter towards her (she took him to the cleaners he believes, and he still can't let it go as every month she receives a chunk if his pension) and continued to make snide comments about her to me for decades after, trying to get me to agree with his point of view. I now have a good relationship with my DM. I no longer have any contact with him (not primarily because of this, but it certainly didn't help).

Big virtual hugs though, you are being very brave, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Yes, If the house is worh £500k and there is a £400k mortgage on the house whether a company debt or any other debt if (but only if) the company reneges on its debts then the lender will come after the house. So primarily the company owes the money but if it does not pay then the house is security and the fact the company has a big bank over draft (if it does) reduces the value of the company's shares.

so sorry to read your story....mine is nearly identical...together 30 years everything ok between us as far as I was concerned ( he had been a bit down and I wondered if he was depressed ) went on holiday discussed buying small apartment on retirement ....came home and 2 weeks later he told me he wasnt happy needed to be on his own ...moved into our apartment ( where our son had just moved in with his girlfriend..they are now with me ) and all he does all day is eat exercise go to the gym on repeat ...doesn't see any friends and rarely his family....I'm 9 months on and I'm still absolutely devastated x x

@DowntonTrout

What is the situation now? Have you actually asked him if there is another woman? I would because I think this is this the reason all this is happening. She is pressuring him to leave you and set up a cozy love nest. Sorry if sound cynical but I have seen it so many times before and sometimes as what happened with our friend who married a gold digger she will eventually get tired of being married to an old man and leave taking half his money and if she has a child with him child support for many years to come until he is in his 70s.

Don't forget to look at dividends and especially drawings from the business.

Look also at employees to the business, particularly those hired in the past 12-24 months (some income can be siphoned off, usually through "employing" a girlfriend but maybe even friends). Look for brand new roles - or an extra person in an existing role - within the past year or two.

Also look at the bank account number of employees being paid. You may find the same bank account number for multiple employees, which will indicate ex paying himself or a friend to minimise profit and extract cash from the business. Easy to attempt to disguise is a "growing" business.

Oh the webs we weave.

@PicsInRed

Good post👍

How are you doing, OP?

I've been wondering about @DowntonTrout too. I hope she continues to grow stronger.

There's a new thread called 'Update 3'

I'm not sure Thread 3 relates to Downton.

It doesn't.

oops!

@FreshStart01 I don’t want to put it on the kids. I really don’t. However he took out DD1 at the weekend and she’s come back a bit defensive. He’s got her on his own and played the sympathy card- after telling me not to involve her. What a tosser.

@sausage1968 I’m so sorry. Almost the same story. Where are you with it all?

@JoObrien7 after catching him texting he’s gone from denying it to now saying he realises it was stupid and has “knocked it on the head” . However he’s been on a couple of business trips (just before this happened) to a particular country and I was convinced it was someone from work that had gone with him. I’ve since discovered he’s flying to this country later this week but not on business- to attend a clients birthday party over there. So I’m guessing it’s a client he’s met at one of these overseas exhibitions. Well, I’m sure it is. He doesn’t fly abroad for social events so there’s a reason he’s going.

@PicsInRed I have no access to any paperwork/ accounts/computers. Everything is kept at the company offices.

You can request anything you want as part of full financial disclosure. The court won't necessarily agree, but you don't get if you don't ask...

Keep the reasons for the request suitably vague "verifying expenses" and hopefully he'll feel too clever be too stupid and arrogant to change anything incriminating.

How are you OP?