My world has fallen apart at 50. I have no idea what to do.

[DowntonTrout]

H left me 2 weeks ago after almost 30 years. I knew he was stressed about work but didn’t see this coming at all.
After our marriage, when we had kids, he asked me to stay home and raise the family and look after him so he could concentrate on building a business and providing for us.
Even up to 6 weeks ago he was still talking about our future together, us selling the business and buying somewhere abroad and finally spending time together. And now he’s gone.
I have no idea about finances. No joint account. Everything is in his filing cabinet at the office.
He is in complete control. I feel like he’s pulled my whole future from under me. I’m relying on him giving me money and I know the house will have to go. I have no qualifications, no experience, have no pension of my own.
I know I’ve been an idiot. Every cliche I’ve heard about women staying at home and being oblivious to finances etc applies to me. I have night terrors and sleep paralysis which was occasional but is now every night so I’m afraid to go to sleep and am having anxiety attacks when I wake up so it isn’t helping. I’m usually such a strong, confident person that I’m struggling to cope with this.
All our friends are couples so it’s awkward, my parents are dead and I have no other family to speak to. My brother is abroad. Our youngest is away in education. The older two are grown up with children of their own.
I’m so sad and scared, I don’t know where to start.

Be honest with friends and family, you don't have to hide anything for him, and you certainly don't have to let him rewrite history. He's already getting his side of the story out there.

It sounds like you might need some specialist legal advice about the business- what he's done about your shares and directorship sounds very legally dubious.

Who is this ‘girl’ he is texting?

Why is allowed to tell everyone his side of the story but you're not? Tell everybody the truth and you'll feel so much less alone once they all realise how he has treated you. He sounds like a calculated bully

What a bastard OP .

My H has phoned me to tell me not to involve the kids so I feel like I can’t even show my feelings in my own home although he has sat them down and explained his side to them. I feel trapped.

You aren’t trapped, it might feel like it. He doesn’t get to call the shots and you can tell anyone anything. Sounds like he’s been cheating and is now covering it up and is going through a typical mid life crisis tbh.

ExDP is too. He’s seeing women (plural) even though we are still living in the same house. He’s not thinking long term. He just wants everything he is entitled to. He says I should get a boyfriend. I’d rather separate first! They get mucked up I think so don’t take your lead from him. Get good support, a supportive counselor or friend.

He told the kids that he had provided for us all for 27 years and that he didn’t want to do it anymore
He said there was nothing going on with a girl, she kept texting him and he has told her to go away.
He just isn’t happy.
DD said show me your phone then and he refused

I was going to say from the outset it was another woman.

Men don’t tend to leap until they have somewhere to leap to.

Does your dd know which hotel he is staying in?
Is he there alone?

Is he running down the money on hotel bills to deprive you of funds knowing he has to give you half.

I think at the moment you are in shock then comes sadness and then comes anger.

As others have said get yourself a good divorce lawyer.

You have been married for a long time so you are entitled to half.

I was a director but it seems I have relinquished my shares 🙄

I am no expert but surely this is financial fraud? Try to find out when it happened and take that info with you to the solicitor. You may need a forensic accountant to follow exactly what you're entitled to, but generally it would be 50% of the house, his pension, and any owned businesses such as whatever he currently runs, any rental properties, etc.

If he has deliberately and fraudulently sold your shares, (or signed them over to himself) it doesn't really matter because he will still need to buy you out of 50% - that's my understanding. However if he has done this very recently then that underlines that this has all happened very quickly and as a couple of PPs mentioned, it may point to the business failing and him wanting to run away from his responsibilities.

I'm so sorry this has happened OP. I've been in a similar position myself. Proposed to at Xmas in front of his entire family, lovely Valentines day, middle week of March he decides he's not happy and wants to move back to his home town, which he knew I wasn't prepared to do. Of course he had another woman lined up, and she deserves no blame at all - I sneakily read some of their messages and she was very clear with him that nothing would happen until he had ended things with me and moved out.

It's the sudden u-turn that leaves you bamboozled. If we'd been having conversations about "I'm not happy about this, what can we do to fix it" then I'd understand. But no, we'd been happily wedding planning!

Please take care of yourself at this time, you probably don't feel like eating so try soups (Aldi actually have some great tinned soups right now, I love their Thai Green Chicken), fruit juice/smoothies (not too much as high in sugar) and if all else fails, whole milk.

Regarding your sleep, I totally empathise. I have had some success with Aldi's own brand "Herbal sleep tablets" (exact same formulation as Herbal Nytol) plus some Valerian tea and Headspace or Calm meditations before sleep.

If your GC are staying with you right now, could you have bedtime cuddles with them in your bed? I've found just natural human contact makes it easier for me to sleep. I work away usually 5 days a week but the day I get home from my soulless hotel and can have 2 days hugging my son goodnight and cuddling our animals is so much nicer.

Bloody hell OP that must've come as a horrible shock. He delivered his bombshell and had left the house within 9 minutes??? Don't believe that this other woman 'is nothing'. His behaviour either means he's having an affair (emotional or physical) or he's having a nervous breakdown. I'm willing to bet on the former, particularly as he wasn't willing to reassure your DD by showing her his phone.

What a bastard. Get advice. Get support. Tell your DC and your friends what he's done. Get angry! And above all get a fucking good solicitor - you are entitled to half of everything - so make damn sure you get it

My H has phoned me to tell me not to involve the kids so I feel like I can’t even show my feelings in my own home although he has sat them down and explained his side to them. I feel trapped.

He doesn't get to tell you what to do. Tell him to fuck right off.

As for not telling the children.

I hope you realise that what he says doesn’t apply to you anymore.
Don’t take any notice of his instructions.

When you have worked through the stages of grief you will see that it isn’t the end of the world but the start of a new world based on what you want.

He sounds a bit daft. This thing about 'not wanting to pay for things any longer' well, does he not think that he is now heading for divorce and need to split all 'his' money / assets? He also sounds like he is trying to be controlling by telling you what to say etc, as a way of gaining a feeling of control - but you have control also and do not need to bow to what he wants anymore.

So sorry, sending hugs

As others have said see a solicitor and find out what you will be entitled to. Look after yourself and ignore his requests about not involving your children. They are adults and if they want to help you it's up to them not him. If you didn't know that you had relinquished your shares as a director then he has committed fraud. Don't let him get away with it.

Something has happened to trigger this and it is most likely to be another woman. It could also be that he has problems with his business though. Either way you need to find out what is happening so you can get some control of your situation.

Wishing you strength, balls of steel and good friends at this awful time. Your children will support you, just make sure you get an idea of fees before you undertake big legal battle - Xenia gave you good advice above.

He has turned himself into the enemy. How dare he tell your kids his side of things and silence you! I agree with a shit hot lawyer and forensic accountant.

Wtf is wrong with these men! You will be ok OP, stay strong and get everything you're entitled to from the useless lump of selfishness

As part of divorce disclosure, I would request the business accounts submitted to lending institutions over the past 7 years in addition to the tax returns in order to get the best possible view of the profit and cash flow of the business - he might on paper short the profit for tax purposes, but he won't for borrowing purposes.

@DowntonTrout

Your husband sounds very controlling and a bit of a bully tbh. I bet he has already seen a solicitor and he could already have moved some of his assets, so please even though you are feeling hurt and upset go straight to a solicitor who specializes in divorce. As I said before you are entitled to half of everything and your husband will know this and try to control what happens next. I think he has planned this and there is definitely a another woman on the scene and she will be pressurizing him to divorce you and move in with her. I would employ a private detective to find out who she is and what your husband has been up to so you can use this as evidence for the divorce courts. I know this is hard for you but he really doesn't care about you and I think to put it crudely he is being led by his cock. Your children will be on your side when they realise he has a another woman.

Firstly do not listen to anything he says regarding the business.
You do not have to relinquish your shares, as a director and if he employs people you can sell him them.
This happened to me but as my ex ' was ' the company the judge indicated I should just transfer them back.
As a director have you been receiving your share of the dividends?
As a director I would do all that you can to access the company bank account and get copies of the company accounts he filed with Company House going back at least 5 years. As a director you are entitled to this information. I managed to get all this by contacting the relevant parties, obviously your ex will try and stop you doing so.
Get in to that locked filing cabinet and start photocopying anything and everything you can get hold of.

Anyone else wondering who owns those shares now?

Thsat is why I said check companies house and also ask to see the share transfer forms she is required to sign to transfer her shares and presumably she never signed! May be she still owns them.

Some good comments. Don't believe a word he says. I bet he's not staying in a hotel. You will be entitled to half of everything including any pension he has.

Not to involve the kids! Why? As he’ll look bad!! Get yourself a solicitor, it makes absolutely no difference if accounts are in his name solely. I am going through this at moment too. Good luck. X

Don’t be nice. Don’t be decent. If you don’t look out for yourself this man will railroad you into agreeing a financial settlement that leaves you in the gutter.

The best thing you can do is put this man to one side and realise it is a) over and b) he is further along with that than you are

Get a lawyer and a good one.

You can involve who you like
Your friends family
But
1 solicitor
2 counsellor