My world has fallen apart at 50. I have no idea what to do.

[DowntonTrout]

H left me 2 weeks ago after almost 30 years. I knew he was stressed about work but didn’t see this coming at all.
After our marriage, when we had kids, he asked me to stay home and raise the family and look after him so he could concentrate on building a business and providing for us.
Even up to 6 weeks ago he was still talking about our future together, us selling the business and buying somewhere abroad and finally spending time together. And now he’s gone.
I have no idea about finances. No joint account. Everything is in his filing cabinet at the office.
He is in complete control. I feel like he’s pulled my whole future from under me. I’m relying on him giving me money and I know the house will have to go. I have no qualifications, no experience, have no pension of my own.
I know I’ve been an idiot. Every cliche I’ve heard about women staying at home and being oblivious to finances etc applies to me. I have night terrors and sleep paralysis which was occasional but is now every night so I’m afraid to go to sleep and am having anxiety attacks when I wake up so it isn’t helping. I’m usually such a strong, confident person that I’m struggling to cope with this.
All our friends are couples so it’s awkward, my parents are dead and I have no other family to speak to. My brother is abroad. Our youngest is away in education. The older two are grown up with children of their own.
I’m so sad and scared, I don’t know where to start.

solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/
look up area of law & area you live in find someone who is an expert in this field who will either give you half hour for set fee or free half hour.
I seem to remember that you will be entitled to half his pension & half the house regardless ...others more expert than I will elaborate I am sure. You will also be given credit for your pension for all the years you looked after your children up to the age of 16 (if any had disability you get additional years as a carer. How many years before you married did you work? You can get a pension forecast from
www.gov.uk/check-state-pension
where you can figure out as pp have stated, what your shortfall is

Go see this great lawyer.
Only communicate to ex by email.
Do tell your children.

Good luck X

“fully expects me to be in the financial position I am in now in the future.”.

This is a big relief, well done for finding a good solicitor.
Money doesn't stop the hurt, but it will give you breathing space & security while you plan your new life.

Hang on on there OP

I would tell your children and your friends. You need some support dealing with all this.
I would get that filing cabinet to your house and get it opened as you need to see that paperwork and take copies of it all.
I would also check with company records and see are you still a company director. See if the company has submitted last year's account's as far as I am aware a ltd company has to do this.
Speak to a solicitor and get a forensic accountant to look at all the financial paperwork.
I know a lady in your position a few years ago who I will call Paula. Paula husband told her he met someone else and he was leaving her. She got legal advice. She also gathered up every bit of paper work in regards to the business, financial accounts, shares, other business he was involved in and all investments. She was plesent to her husband at this stage because she did not want him to know what she was doing.
Her husband was not willing to give her what she was entitled to. She told him you can deal with me or the tax man as she found out that he had not declared all his income ect.
He suddenly became far more generous. Paula got what she was entitled to. She went on to lose 4 to 5 stone within a year. She now has a very happy life.
It's horrible what happened to you but you need to put yourself 1st now and fight for what your entitled to.

@DowntonTrout sorry to back track a bit but did you willingly relinquish your shares or did he do this for you?

You'll need to get the business valued to ascertain its sellable value. My ex delayed the valuation for a year until he had worked the books enough to make it look like he was warning nothing. Meanwhile he's set his girlfriend up as a subcontractor and was paying her CRAZY money.

I'd be getting hiring a legal team ASAP and asking them to put a stay on all the business accounts.

That's good news about your financial position. Less so about the complexity: be very wary of signing or agreeing to anything without advice (as said above).

Soup's a good standby if you are struggling to eat. During my last bad breakup, I would just heat it in a cup and sip at regular intervals. It did not feel as enormous as a meal, but kept me going.

You’re entitled to at least half of everything, including his pension. Get some strength and hit him where it’ll hurt x

Hi OP, hope you managed to sleep.

Pity about that solicitor, I am assuming that you work alongside that firm somehow. Has she referred you on to someone else who can help you?

The speed of this decision of his is what bothers me. Did you notice any change of behaviour in the last few months, not just the last 4 weeks that he refers to.

You said in op that he had been stressed about work...is it possible that the business is failing? And what did he say to the dc, to explain his side? Maybe he has told them something about the business that he's told them not to repeat to you for some reason. The share relinquishing... it all seems like there is a lot of underlying stuff here.

But, you need to look after you right now as this is such a lot to digest.

💐

On this
" DowntonTrout Wed 20-Nov-19 20:17:32

Does anyone know anything about future earnings?
If, for example, there was no profit/debts in the business today because of cash flow/ capital expenditure etc but if in a couple of years it was sold for ...let’s say a life changing amount of money.?"

1. In England as a non working wife even with only grown children if the husband has enough earnings coming in you should get spousal maintenance for a period - may be 5 years but are expected to look for work etc.

1. However some business owners will ensure their limited company makes few profits and make sure their own income is very low (some even give up work and just let their new spouse work in order to ensure their spouse gets nothing - I remember a dinner date with a divorced man who spent 2 hours showing off about how he escaped paying - goodness knows why he woudl think even I a full time working mother who earned 10x their ex would think that was attractive!)

1. So do not bank on lots of maintenance for you. Instead try to get as much of the existing capital and a pensin sharing order if he has a big pension as you can as a bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush.

1. Get your lawyer to check how you came to give up the shares - he may have stolen them and they need to come back to you now or perhaps you did agree to give them up - Companies House search is a reasonable start for that. Ask him for copies of the share transfer form under which you apparently signed to hand him your shares.

1. That leads us to your question above - first income - try to get even just a nominal spousal maintenance sum agreed with him. i was in the opposite position earing 10x what he did (we both always worked full time) and one of my priorities was a clean break with no spousal maintenance but my husband wanted half assets plus maintenance for life. We compromised with no court hearings or financial disclosure (as we both knew 100% the detals of the other, only joint accounts, I did both our tax returns, we opened each other's post so nothing hidden or to hide in our case) on the basis he got 59% plus no spousal maintenance - so what is called a "clean break" which means he cannot in the future evne if I earn a lot more or needs change come back for a single penny - that was very important to me as a higher earner and also can help some couples feel it is all over and done - the courts are quite keen on clean breaks but not if you earn nothing and he earns a lot so in your case you want a spousal maintenance order. If he then loses his income or profits are low he can vary that downwards even to zero (which is why I say above getting as much capital, pension and shares as you can now)

1. On the very last part of your question the law differentiates income and capital. If his income rose 10x your needs would not change and your spousal maintenance would stay the same. If your needs changed or his income reduced he can apply or you can apply to vary the spousal maintenance I believe. However selling his shares or in your case if you get the house you selling the house does not mean the other spouse gets any share of that "capital" sum unless you have agreed otherwise. (Plenty of spouses have an order agreeing otherwise - that if the house is sold or a boyfriend moves in or you remarry then the husband gets his share of teh house only at that stage is not uncommon particularly where that is the only way to house small children and money is tight). Similarly if you inherit £10m from your parents 5 years aftger the divorce neither of you has a claim on any of that or if you win the lottery - the same - you keep it.

So if the shares remain in his name and he sells them or sells the assets of the business for a large sum you would not get any. Similarly if you set up a company and sell g for £1m in 5 years' time he gets none of that.

If you want a share in that company then you will need your shares transferred back to your name. If he should never have taken them away that might help negotiate them back to you. However he might start a new company and put all new business into that one directly or indirectly and you would need protection against that. That is why getting 100% of the house equity and letting him keep the company if the two are worth about the same might be a safer deal for you if he can afford to pay back the company debt charged over the house. However he may not be able to afford that if he or the company does not have enough income for that.

If the Op has been claiming child benefit over those years she should have been getting NI conts. You can check the record online also

it sounds to me like her is having a mid life crisis and I think you should maybe pause a while and see if he gets his head together enough to talk sensibly. I mean who ever gives up on a marriage of that length because they have been unhappy for 4 weeks??? Seriously?
Maybe give him a couple of weeks and then insist on a face to face conversation and if he refuses, seek legal advice.
He does not sound like a well man to me!

@vdbfamily - Really ? Dear god....

However some business owners will ensure their limited company makes few profits and make sure their own income is very low (some even give up work and just let their new spouse work in order to ensure their spouse gets nothing

What that OW will do amazes me sometimes;(.

My barrister was formerly an accountant and a forensic one that that most usefull:)

Fuck him and his fed up paying for everyone for 27 years !
Fuck him and his not involving the children - they are grown ups and will see your devastation .

Some misleading information on here - there is no doubt that the starting point for your divorce is 50% of all assets so do not worry . You don't have to prove anything about staying at home and rearing children . It is "a long marriage ".

Find yourself a good solicitor . There is a lot of work to be done here and you will need a forensic accountant to assess and investigate the business . As regards you having no money currently see the solicitor and you can make an application for Interim Spousal Maintenance . The faster you work on this the better it will be for you . He is not on your side .

I know from personal experience just how awful you will be feeling . It is shit and it does take a long time to feel even remotely normal .Have a look at the book Runaway Husbands and it will help you with some of the thoughts you are having .

You are in an awful situation but it will work out . Many of us have been here and we are proof of it . I am the happiest I have ever been now in my life and I was in your place.

stuffed penguin
I agree, I read first post on face value and was naive. I now see this is calculated.

He’s going to screw me over isn’t he.
All the years of supporting him set up his business, doing invoices and answering the phone, the shared dreams and promises that kept us going through all the tough times.
Making excuses to the kids why he couldn’t be there for all those events ( he could have been but I made life easier for him to take the pressure off.) nearly losing our home, agreeing to put our home on the line because WE needed the money to grow the business.
The plans for our retirement because when we sell the business...all of it. He’s going to try and make out that it’s not ours and just his.
The shares- he never told me I was giving them up. I was always having to sign bits and pieces for tax, for the accountant etc. I just trusted him and never really knew what I was signing.
The filing cabinet is in his office at work. It’s a biggish company with lots of offices and staff over two locations. It’s not somewhere I can just walk into.

Oh, OP, please read all the excellent advice you have received on this thread. And this morning, please go and see a solicitor. Perhaps one recommended by someone on here? You need someone on your side now, and we are all here to support you but you need a legal person in real life.

Grab a coffee, find the number of a great solicitor (do you know anyone who could recommend someone ? I think some people on here have suggested options), then make the call. When you make the call, post back here and you will get more advice on what to ask at your appointment. You need to do this, this morning.

@Annasgirl I have already spoken to a solicitor. She advised me to wait but will keep everything archived for me until I’m ready.

Thats good OP. Perhaps you could get her to get the financial information. Also you need to get her to contact the bank to put a hold on company spending.

I'm afraid that regardless of you wanting to keep all this quiet, he seems to have done something illegal in taking over your shares and there is undoubtedly more going on so there may have to be police involvement but that is not your responsibility.

@Thestuffedpenguin I know I will need a forensic accountant. The problem I have is there will be nothing to show right now but there will likely be a huge jump in valuation next year because all the money has been put into developing a second product
There is another shareholder who also left his wife a few months ago. I think they can see £’s coming and want to keep it all.

So you need to watch all bank acocunts to which you have access to check if he is transferring money out today - I knew one man who had had his bank accounts frozen by his wife's solicitor immediately divorce was in prospect as he was going to pay money into a company h is company invested in - in his case it was required by his job actually as yu ahve to show the customers you are invested in what you sak them to invest in so very above board and he had to take out a massive loan instead to fund that as the accounts were frozen.

Lots of things depend on how much money is at stake by the way so always start with that. If there is not much then spending money on a court battle and forensic accountants is just reducing the family's resources on both sides. If there are millions then that is a different matter.

He probably just asked you to sign a transfer of shares and you agreed at the time anda ctually on divorce in a sense it doesn't matter whose name things are in as all assets even in sole names are up for grabs. Injunctions to freeze accounts can be very expensive indeed so always always at every step look at the costs v the money at stake and if you can reach amicable agreements even if both sides fee short changed that tends to be much better than wasting every family asset on court battl.

Be very careful given you know information about illegality that you don't "blackmail" him as that is a crime so needs to be avoided - again your solicitor can advise on that. By the way I paid my solictor and my husband's throughout as I earn more even after we separated our bank accounts. It might be worth your getting his consent to pay your legal bills.

Also I’m going to the doctors this morning. I need some help with sleeping and I’m feeling very down. I’ve had some stupid thoughts and I’m struggling to see a future for me at the minute. I’m not suicidal but those thoughts have popped into my head and I can’t allow myself to get that low. 😔

Oh OP, you have had such a shock. Your GP will be able to help you get some sleeping tablets and perhaps anti depressants - you need to be thinking straight and not go on a mission to destroy him - this is about protecting your assets as much as his for your future so you need a clear head.

Sounds like a good idea to get some help with that in whatever works best for you.

Valuation of shares is very difficult in divorces. One solution can be to give both spouses the same nukmber of shares and therefore if they shoot up in value or drop right back they both suffer or benefit by the same amount (subject to any restrictions on such a transfer in company documents).