My world has fallen apart at 50. I have no idea what to do.

[DowntonTrout]

H left me 2 weeks ago after almost 30 years. I knew he was stressed about work but didn’t see this coming at all.
After our marriage, when we had kids, he asked me to stay home and raise the family and look after him so he could concentrate on building a business and providing for us.
Even up to 6 weeks ago he was still talking about our future together, us selling the business and buying somewhere abroad and finally spending time together. And now he’s gone.
I have no idea about finances. No joint account. Everything is in his filing cabinet at the office.
He is in complete control. I feel like he’s pulled my whole future from under me. I’m relying on him giving me money and I know the house will have to go. I have no qualifications, no experience, have no pension of my own.
I know I’ve been an idiot. Every cliche I’ve heard about women staying at home and being oblivious to finances etc applies to me. I have night terrors and sleep paralysis which was occasional but is now every night so I’m afraid to go to sleep and am having anxiety attacks when I wake up so it isn’t helping. I’m usually such a strong, confident person that I’m struggling to cope with this.
All our friends are couples so it’s awkward, my parents are dead and I have no other family to speak to. My brother is abroad. Our youngest is away in education. The older two are grown up with children of their own.
I’m so sad and scared, I don’t know where to start.

Take photos or photocopies of all the paperwork you can find!!!

I'm sorry to hear this btw

Unfortunately a solicitor will be unable to advise until all financial facts are in front of them...which is a long way down the line. Even then I have found them to be non committal, no one really knows what you will end up with...and if you go to court it really will depend on which side of the bed the Judge got out of that morning. Unbelievable, but I have had experience of several going through my long drawn out battle over finances with my ex.
A forensic accountant will cost mega bucks, but if there are huge assets at stake may be worthwhile. As I have suggested before you can do lots of your own digging. No one will care more about your case than you do.

OP. I was in a similar position. I paid for an hour to see a good divorce lawyer. Worth the money. They went through all of my options. It was a guy lawyer too and he was excellent. The business stuff he said he would wanting to be looking at possible future earnings. These people aren’t stupid and as a long term wife, holding down the fort while he grew it, you have rights. Don’t let anybody tell you differently. Go see a couple of hot divorce lawyers until you find a pitbull. He doesn’t get to just push you under the bus. That business is a marital asset.

@Dery I looked on company’s house. I was a director with 25000 shares. It says I relinquished them a year ago.

@desperatesux and @AcrossthePond55 yes I’ve been in touch we’ve known each other more than 15 years through our H’s but have always been kept quite separate- I’ve pointed out we are stronger together. She seems to know less than I do but we are talking and I think we are going to meet up to share info.

@fit4more thanks, that’s interesting. I think I will see a couple more for initial consultation before I pick a solicitor. If I was able to agree a lump sum from any sale in the future it I would be happy to make the clean break.
I’m coming round to the idea of being without him- I could never trust him again.

On the shares see if you can work out what your 25,000 were eg if they were half the shares or a quarter by looking at other people and look at what percentage your husband now has if it says so. eg if he has 100% that is a lot of power. If he just has 25% and has 3 partners with the rest his 25% may not be worth as as much

Op you're amazing!

@Xenia I was 25%. H was 25%. Other partner 25% and an employed MD 25%. The MD has gone. I think it’s now 50/50

@onalongsabbatical that has brought tears to my eyes. I AM a strong woman. I teach my DD’s to be warriors. I was chair of the bloody PTA fgs. I’ve given a speech in an NHS rally outside parliament. How I’ve become this peri menopausal mess I don’t know. I’ve given, I’ve loved and I’ve trusted but most of all I’ve put my family first whilst he just thinks he can walk away. One day I’m going to be one of you lot telling people that it will get better.

You are far, far from being any kind of mess - your strength is shining through in the most horrible of circumstances.

My H has phoned me to tell me not to involve the kids

Tell him to go fuck himself. Speak to CAB or someone about benefits and find a lawyer x

One day I’m going to be one of you lot telling people that it will get better.

Damn right you will be Trout.
Meantime, choose your lawyer carefully, gather intel from any source possible, including the other director's ex-wife, & play the role of quivering abandoned wife. Let him imagine you are a pushover. Stay angry for as long as it takes to get a settlement that will provide properly for you.

The current 50/50 share allocation makes other director's & now your husband's separation moves look pre-planned, doesn't it?

I wonder what a very good solicitor's view would be on you not knowing that you had signed your own shares away? And what kind of impact it might have anyway, if you are viewed as a long-term, supportive wife who should be receiving at least half of all marital assets?

There's a book called "Runaway husbands". I found it very good after my husband of 24 years just upped and left. Three day beforehand he gave me the most loving birthday card... and then... he was gone. Of course, an OW was involved but I'm still getting over the shock.

Deep breaths xxx

@Cherrypop99 so sorry this has happened to you too. It’s amazing how things can remain normal right to the very last minute isn’t it? H said to me about being alone “You might meet someone else next week” Really? As if that’s going to make everything ok.

Oh bless you OP. I am your age and divorced. I am also a lawyer.

Take things one day at a time. You won't be able to do everything you want to. Just do little bits, and praise yourself for anything you do get done.

Make sure you eat frequently, even if it's only a little. Don't drink alcohol, or if you do, don't buy much so you can't drink much. Go for walks to get fresh air.

Ignore the cleaning and so on.

Tell whoever will support you, he doesn't call the shots on what you do now.

Get a solicitor asap.

He's shagging the girl isn't he. Let's be realistic. He's only admitting to what you have found out. There will be more.

You will be ok. In the end. I enjoy it now and I'm glad I don't live with him any more. I do regret my family being broken up, for the sake of my kids. But that's on him, not on you.

Take it a day at a time.

And any difficult questions, consider in deciding, what is easiest for me?

And look after yourself. People will think he is an arse. Because he is. But they will go along with her m, because that's what people do.

They will respect you more. For not being an arse.

If you haven't signed anything then you haven't relinquished the shares. Otherwise it's fraud. Have you signed them over?

I would also discuss with your chosen solicitor how long you can put off agreeing a financial settlement for - the longer the better!

Also check whether you did sign over your shares or if he did it illegally. It does sound from this alone he has been planning this for a while.

I am feel very sad for you.

You are strong and will survive this...but will he??
I hope his 'girl' is not underage !!

@DowntonTrout

Everything you tell your solicitor will be confidential and he/she will advise you what to do about the shares that were taken from you without your consent. I am astounded how cold calculating your husband has been but not surprised I have seen it all before. You are the mother of his children but he decided to replace you with a newer model. I know you are sad but you need to get mad instead and make sure you get what you deserve which is half of everything. Things will get better and your children will be on your side once they realise what their father has done.

You don't relinquish shares, you transfer them to another person or entity. You have to sign a stock transfer form to do this. However when completing data on Companies House, you can amend the shareholding data. Just because its on companies House doesn't make it true. ONLY the stock transfer form makes it true. You probably still own the shares in the eyes of the law, if you didn't sign the share/stock transfer form.

You probably still own the shares in the eyes of the law, if you didn't sign the share/stock transfer form.

I’m guessing her husband either forged her signature or shoved it in front of her with other stuff and she signed without reading it because he said so. ☹️

If he does produce a stock transfer form I think it isn’t absolutely watertight. Why would someone intentionally transfer valuable assets for nil value without legal or tax advice?