My world has fallen apart at 50. I have no idea what to do.

[DowntonTrout]

H left me 2 weeks ago after almost 30 years. I knew he was stressed about work but didn’t see this coming at all.
After our marriage, when we had kids, he asked me to stay home and raise the family and look after him so he could concentrate on building a business and providing for us.
Even up to 6 weeks ago he was still talking about our future together, us selling the business and buying somewhere abroad and finally spending time together. And now he’s gone.
I have no idea about finances. No joint account. Everything is in his filing cabinet at the office.
He is in complete control. I feel like he’s pulled my whole future from under me. I’m relying on him giving me money and I know the house will have to go. I have no qualifications, no experience, have no pension of my own.
I know I’ve been an idiot. Every cliche I’ve heard about women staying at home and being oblivious to finances etc applies to me. I have night terrors and sleep paralysis which was occasional but is now every night so I’m afraid to go to sleep and am having anxiety attacks when I wake up so it isn’t helping. I’m usually such a strong, confident person that I’m struggling to cope with this.
All our friends are couples so it’s awkward, my parents are dead and I have no other family to speak to. My brother is abroad. Our youngest is away in education. The older two are grown up with children of their own.
I’m so sad and scared, I don’t know where to start.

OP, this sounds devastating for you I'm pleased you've got your DD with you. You need comfort and reassurance at the moment.
But you must seek professional legal advice ASAP. Start securing your position and your future. It needn't become a battle, but it does have to be fair to you.

My H has phoned me to tell me not to involve the kids so I feel like I can’t even show my feelings in my own home although he has sat them down and explained his side to them. I feel trapped.

He has lost any right he ever had to tell you what to do. I'd tell everyone - family, friends, lean on your kids. Tell them he has left out out of the blue. That you suspect he has been unfaithful. You're going to need people on your side.

Get a good lawyer and find out what you're entitled to.

OP that's terrible I can feel your devastation in your words. You must go and see a solicitor and take him to the fucking cleaners.

I am so sorry OP. My OH upped and left me last year after 25 years so I understand - while it came completely out of the blue for me, it turned out it was something he had in fact been planning for a while, and yes, he was cheating. It sounds like yours is too - they don’t just leave for no reason. You have had good advice on here, and we are here to support you - get tough. You can cry and go over whys and wherefores later, now is for positive action to protect yourself. big hug

He isn’t telling anyone what happened (because that would look bad wouldn’t it?)

My H has phoned me to tell me not to involve the kids

Sorry, hit send too soon.

Fuck that! You don't have to take any notice of a word he says.

Tell the kids, tell your friends; get some real-life support today.

He does not get to dictate how this now goes. You do. [fllowers]

OK OP he's dun the dirty and pissed of with the OW.

Now big girl pants on find a GOOD solicitor who does in matrimonial work and get that on the go as soon as, so at least you get your fair share!

OK so do it and do it now !!

Lordy, you poor thing, what a horrid situation. 50 is such a watershed age anyway, without all this to contend with.

1. Be nice to yourself and don't beat yourself up. And as for the kids, depending on their ages, absolutely talk to them. "Don't involve the kids"? What? They're going to be involved at some point, whatever happens. And it doesn't sound fair or balanced if he's put his side of the story to them but isn't allowing you to put yours. What? Excuse me???

1. Get a good solicitor. (As lots of people have already suggested.) This is essential to sort out your income and get what you're entitled to. Especially if you've been supporting him with that business of his. And so they can make sure you get everything you're entitled to out of the family home and any pension contributions he might have made on your behalf. My mum always stayed at home while dad worked, but at least he did have a good pension and he'd paid her "married woman's stamp" as she used to call it, so when he died that was one of the reasons she had a reasonable income level. And yes, as someone else has suggested, if all the accounts are "at the office" you might need to be prepared to get very cold and corporate to get the information you need out of his paws.

1. You've been running a home for years. You've got more skills than I suspect you think you have. Including money management, stock control, negotiating skills, caring skills, teamwork...Just the fact that you're on here shows you're pretty IT literate. And skills can be learned and updated, and qualifications can be acquired, no matter what age you are. (An aunt of mine did an art degree in her 70s. There are also funded courses with qualifications out there for a surprising range of skills at local colleges.)

1. I know you've said all your friends are couples, but is there anyone you could chat to out of those couples in confidence, just so you feel a little less alone in real life? You'll get good advice on here, I'm sure, but it's nice just to have someone in the real world too.

1. People have already mentioned the CAB, and while it may take a while to get an appointment, they are very good once you do get to them, usually. Have a quick look at www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/sorting-out-money-when-you-separate/financial-support-when-you-separate/ OR

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/benefits-you-may-be-entitled-to-if-you-are-separating

OR

www.money.co.uk/guides/how-to-get-a-fair-financial-divorce-settlement.htm

OR

www.itv.com/thismorning/divorce-relationship-helplines, which has some very useful numbers on there.

(Or, indeed, all of them.)

1. Also, maybe, have a chat with your GP and explain the situation, especially on the night paralysis and things, so that, if necessary, they can suggest treatment or medication or interventions that might help. GPs deal with all kinds of situations, you might be surprised.

Good luck with it all, and really, you will get very sensible and compassionate advice on here, especially in your circumstances.

OP I'm really sorry but you know what? I reckon he'll be back. Give him a few weeks and he will be home saying it was all a big mistake.

Q is - would you want him?

He does not control your future, or what happens now. you do.

Solicitor up. today. dont hesitate on this, most give free 30 mins.

Get your CV together, im sure you have many many skills, just talk about everything positively.

i feel awful for your OP. Dont fall for the "im sorry", if you want to make it work - fine, but please getyour stuff together then you know where you stand

do not agree to anything without a solicitor!!!

OP I’m so sorry, what a bastard. Definitely echo everything PPs have said, speak to your DD as much as you want, and get yourself a great lawyer ASAP. Doesn’t want to look after you anymore? Pft!! Why do all these men always forget everything their wives have done?

People keep telling her to go through the filing cabinet. In her first post she said everything is in the filing cabinet at the office. I assume she means her husband’s workplace office, not a home office.

What an arsehole! Excellent words of advice from all of the above. I’d also be honest with friends and family. He doesn’t get to control the narrative.

Given that DH has gone, the fact that there is an OW and he has been messing with the shares is relatively good news , in that it suggests that the business is not failing and therefore will be a valuable part of the pot of family assets in which you will share.

For finding out about the company, start here:
www.gov.uk/get-information-about-a-company
Important, note the bit that says "You can also set up free email alerts to tell you when a company updates its details (for example, a change of director or address).". So you can track what goes on in the company in future and you should do that.

On the next page, if you know the company name you can input it to see all their publicly filed information. If not - input your name and it will find you and tell you the companies of which you are or were a director. Then follow through to the company information.

If you look for documents called Mortgages and Charges, you should be able to find who (which bank) holds the (second) mortgage on the house and for how much. Even though you may have been a director at the time, when the family home was mortgaged for the purpose of the business, you should have had independent legal advice. I bet you didn't, so that also needs to be raised with your solicitor.

Since the joint asset pool includes a company, you are also going to need an accountant, because valuation of a company can be very subjective. But your shit-hot lawyer will probably recommend someone. As a PP has noted, you need more than a regular family lawyer.

Also as PPs have noted, DH can probably resign you as a director without you signing anything, but you must have signed a Stock Transfer Form to transfer any shares. If he transferred back to himself, that loss of shares shouldn't make any difference to you as they will still be in the pot of family assets. Again, you probably should have had tax advice at the time. Maybe not independent, but you should have received it directly and not via your STBEx DH.

Lots of good advice above. By the way people saying you get 50%. if you are in England it may well be more as you earn less In fact as he owns the company and could make out later it has no profits you are better off getting as much of a capital sum now - even 100% of the house and he keeps his shares and you both have half his pension - as possible. Many non working wives get more than 50%. You may also be entitled to spousal maintenance for a time.

1. Go on companies house website today and see if it shows who owns the shares. When did you "relinquish" your shares and if so can he supply you with a stock transfer form you signed signing them over? Do you have share certificates? Look at the accounts of the company on line too to see how it is doing.

1. Get copies of your marriage cert and that kind of thing which hopefully may be at home even if most stuff is at work.

1. Check at companies house if you are a director of the company - you may hav said above that you are - if so that gives you lots of power as regards the company and duties although if you have no shares he may dismiss you as a director. You may also be a PAYE employee of the company and then could claim unfair dismissal.

1. By all means get a good solicitor, but don't do what a lot of people do - spend all the family money on going to court to get less than you could negotiate now which so so often happens.

Not much advice however has he always been controlling

1. You stay at home I’ll go to work
2. Don’t tell our friends as he will look bad
3. Don’t tell the kids as again he will look bad.

Do what you need to do Op, speak to whoever you want, your in control of your own life & now he’s gone he still wants to control you? I don’t think so.

You will be entitled to spousal maintenance (I have literally just been through mediation and reached a settlement), my ex did not like it but the mediator made it perfectly clear that given the length of marriage and circumstances (not that dissimilar to yours) that he would be expected to pay towards my reasonable needs. I won’t be rich, I won’t have anything like the disposable income he will have but I will have a house and enough to live on at least for the next few years which gives me valuable breathing space and time to plan. I do work (and always have part time within the limitations of family and his career priority) but there is a massive income difference.

Plus you may be able to get half of his pension if you can prove you stated at home with the kids!

A solicitor will help you immeasurably - make getting one your top priority. It's not just practical, they make you feel back in control and that's a feeling you don't have when your world's been turned upside down.

You say you have no assets. You do. You're married. You have an entitlement to each other's assets and it doesn't matter who's name they're in.

Hope uoure ok op.
I know this is horrible for you but please remember thousands of people separate/divorce every year. You can do this and you will come out the other side. Rooting for you.

No matter how devastated you are, it is so important that you do not get sucked into believing he is the man you married anymore. If there is one single most important piece of advice I got from MN when my xh did similar, it is he is not your friend. If he says he will look after you, do not believe him. Get angry, fight the fucker for what you deserve and take the decision out of his hands. Cry when he isn't around. And if he looks bad to others, that's tough, shouldn't have behaved badly, should he?

b strong OP you can do this, by going to see a solicitor you will feel better and in more control, and then hubby will panic when he realises he can't walk all over you. Good luck

So basically, you caught him cheating and rather than being a decent person, he's sold you some shit about 'not being happy' (oh book f*cling hoo for him) left you and told you you aren't allowed to be upset about it.

Controlling and manipulative - He's making himself out to be the injured party. Instead of being angry about what he was up to, he wants you to worry and pine for him to come home.

See a solicitor asap.

Ps: He'll be back as soon as he thinks youve been punished enough for catching him being unfaithful.

Don’t sign anything or agree to anything.

Start looking through and at the finances following others practical advice.

You are not naive. He may be having a breakdown. Who knows.

Anyway grab a coffee, some good music and start going through the paperwork. Put yourself in charge.

You must tell your children everything. Not to be spiteful but to be open and honest. Take money from the account and put into an account for yourself too because as he is playing silly buggers there will come a point when he stops being reasonable and you need to be prepared.
While you have the cards get statements and also get as much financial info and paperwork as you can and find yourself a fantastic solicitor, book an appointment ASAP.
Look into benefit entitlement too, retraining and if you have a spare room think about students or a lodger? And most of all keep in mind that he is now your opponent.