My world has fallen apart at 50. I have no idea what to do.

[DowntonTrout]

H left me 2 weeks ago after almost 30 years. I knew he was stressed about work but didn’t see this coming at all.
After our marriage, when we had kids, he asked me to stay home and raise the family and look after him so he could concentrate on building a business and providing for us.
Even up to 6 weeks ago he was still talking about our future together, us selling the business and buying somewhere abroad and finally spending time together. And now he’s gone.
I have no idea about finances. No joint account. Everything is in his filing cabinet at the office.
He is in complete control. I feel like he’s pulled my whole future from under me. I’m relying on him giving me money and I know the house will have to go. I have no qualifications, no experience, have no pension of my own.
I know I’ve been an idiot. Every cliche I’ve heard about women staying at home and being oblivious to finances etc applies to me. I have night terrors and sleep paralysis which was occasional but is now every night so I’m afraid to go to sleep and am having anxiety attacks when I wake up so it isn’t helping. I’m usually such a strong, confident person that I’m struggling to cope with this.
All our friends are couples so it’s awkward, my parents are dead and I have no other family to speak to. My brother is abroad. Our youngest is away in education. The older two are grown up with children of their own.
I’m so sad and scared, I don’t know where to start.

See a solicitor to discuss the house and splitting his savings. The sooner you do this the better you'll feel. Try to rest and eat something.

I'd imagine it's pretty easy to crow bar your way into a locked filing cabinet??

I am so sorry. You will get through this. You need to take control. Make a list. Find a really good lawyer. Let your children help you. He does not get to tell you what to do, or to control who you talk to our what you tell them.
Find any information you can on the business, pensions etc. if its a company the accounts will be on the companies house website. If you were a director you were entitled to all the information.

What a dick. He provided for you financially all those years, which he actively chose to do. You also provided - emotionally, practically (childcare, running the house) and did all the mental load and organisation. That was agreed between you, and you contributed as much as him so please dont ever forget that.

Be honest with your children, they are grown up and not at home and you need their support. Your daughter already sounds like she has the measure of him, anyway, by asking to see his phone.

See a solicitor asap. Has he sacked you as director then? Is this legal? Can you start collecting evidence of all you did for the business etc?

Sorry op.
If it was my mum I'd want to support her so I'm glad Dd knows.
Get angry and get even. In a way its exciting as it could be the start of a new exciting chapter for you.
My exh did similat when I was late 30s and my life is now so much better and even better than his sorry one.

If you were a director, then it is a Ltd Company, and all financial information will be on the Companies House website. Have a look on there and see what you can find out. Did you have shares? If so, they can't just take them off you.

Also him telling you not to tell the children and then telling them his side is really unfair. I dont think you owe him any fairness in return. Do you have keys to his office?

Oh lovely - what a bastard! And sadly how cliched :/

Echoing what others have said, he’s not your friend anymore, he’s your opponent.

Tell your DC as much or as little as YOU want. he doesn’t get to dictate what you say to them

You are doing all the right tnings xx you WILL get through this

Had he been hoping to see how things pan out with whomever he had been texting & then come back if it didn't work?

Well, that's not his call!

Get all the support that you need Op.

Of course people have their own lives but I'm sure that they'll be wanting to do whatever they can for you.

Go see your Lawyer OP.. good luck

Op, keep those bank cards, if you can work out the pin go and find out as much as you can re how much is in those accounts.

Go to the office and find all the documents you can and copy everything. Don't hesitate, you have EVERY RIGHT to.

Go straight to a bank, open an account in your own name and transfer any funds you can get your hands on, you need a safety net for now.

Find a good solicitor.

Talk openly to your children, and friends doesn't matter if they are couples.

Ignore anything he says totally, shut down the pain for now and take action, you need to protect yourself, time to wonder later......Good luck.

Oh OP! This is exactly what happened to my friend. And sadly she kept hoping that he would “see sense” and kept expecting him to behave like the husband she had known, not the alien bell-end he had transformed into.

Fight fight fight.

When my ex left it was overnight and DC were both under 10. I felt my world was gone and I struggled to hold things together for the DC. Over time I could see he had always been in control and had waited until he had a softer pillow to land on. My world wasn't gone, but all the key pieces had been thrown in the air and I had to assess my options to organise them and decide what was important to me.

Don't rush to make decisions, sign anything or feel intimidated by anything he says. You are now your own boss, it may take time for you to appreciate what this means, but independence and honesty in your life are much better than controlled and lied to you know he is with that girl.

I’m so sorry you are experiencing this
Feel free to tell people what you want. It is not your shame; don’t feel you have to hide it.

My H has phoned me to tell me not to involve the kids so I feel like I can’t even show my feelings in my own home although he has sat them down and explained his side to them.

That is an outrageous double standard & @DowntonTrout you have ZERO obligation to go along with it. These are your children, your feelings, & your marriage. You are allowed to discuss it with anyone you like.

Please see a solicitor asap.
You need to get a picture of how any divorce is going to look for you.
While husband is staying away, can you at least look in his office to establish bank accounts, savings, pensions ... ?
Your solicitor is going to want sight of those, & you MUST be pro-active in ensuring assets are not hidden from you.

I am so sorry for what you are going through & understand your shock & feelings of helplessness & being trapped. But with good legal advice, you will be able to present the facts of how you have sacrificed career, financial prospects & pension opportunities at your husband's behest. Your solicitor will be very interested in that, & will explain how the law will work to protect you & your new future.

Big hugs, my heart goes out to you!.
I would suggest that you get as much free advice as possible before racking up any expenses. I would start with CAB, even DWP may be able to give general advice re some types of entitlement. Your G.P. May be able to put you in touch with a body that can give emotional support and your local library may have leaflets etc.
Once you have recovered from the initial shock, maybe working part time in your local supermarket would be helpful as a way of mixing with others and taking a small step into the outside world.
As for not speaking to the children you gave birth to, HOW DARE HE!!. In fact, if he has spoken to them, l am surprised they haven't approached you. I also hope he hasn't tried to poison their minds against you.
Hope you manage to get back control of your life very soon.

You can get keys to a filing cabinet really quickly, OP.

On the lock there will be a number, go to the fastkeys website (other similar websites are available ) and enter the number into the search box there. It'll give you options of likely makes, pick the make of the cabinet and you can then buy a key. You should get it the next day.

See a solicitor.

Don't listen to a fucking word he says- you will interact with your children how you wish to.

He's cheated, is the short answer. Tell him you're not stupid and you know he's cheated so he can fuck off with the not happy stuff.

You are married. You are entitled to at least half of everything as an absolute start point and with a good lawyer you will get far more of it. You've enabled everything, but while he can carry on earning post-split, you can't. So: you should get more of the house value, enough to enable you to buy something outright, if small, half his pension, and a cash arrangement which supports you to retrain and/or until you get a job.

Get a GOOD solicitor and one that will accept payment after settlement.

And start with his potential financial dodginess over your 'employment'. Um, you've relinquished your shares without signing something? Really? Oh dear, he may be in for more of a shock than he realises at the mess he may have caused.

He want to speak to me about “moving forward.”

Sure he does. He will have his business brain on & be looking to protect his own assets. Looks like he has already removed you from his company ("it seems I have relinquished my shares" - did you sign anything confirming this???) PLEASE BE VERY CAREFUL.

Do not have this discussion with him until you have consulted a shit-hot solicitor.
Do not agree to anything, do not sign anything, unless you are in that solicitor's office & they have confirmed what it in your best interests.

Above all - keep talking to your children.

What a bastard. At least you are married which means you have an entitlement to money and your home. You need to get to a good solicitor pronto.

If he wants to do "the talk", It will all be about "him", his hard work, his efforts, his money, his OW, Sorry the chances are nil that he hasn't got his eye on a younger model he feels unloved, he is unfulfilled, he wants to fulfill his dreeeaaams...
You will not be able to resist accepting to have "the talk", you feel entitled to an explication, but, ideally
Tell him to tell it to your Solicitor.

Hi. All I can say is I know exactly how you feel. I’m 50 next year, stay at home mum ( 2 grown up kids but living at home still) and just found out OH is having an affair 3 wks ago. Been together 27 yrs.
The first thing you need to do is go to a solicitor most do the first half hour for a small fee (I paid £18). You are married (I’m not) so have legal protection. Do not agree to any financial settlement till you’ve seen one.
I’m so sorry but do not believe a word he says. You no longer know this man and all he is doing now is thinking about himself. So you need to do the same. he will want to protect his business and his pension as in his head he earned all the money.
I reckon he had been seeing the girl. He probably isn’t that bothered about her. I think it’s the typical Mid life crisis age. we make them feel their age that’s why they want something new and exciting before it’s too late. Mine also had gone on about all the responsibilities of financing the family no appreciation for all we did keeping the home and bringing up their children.
please feel free to PM me if you want to rant and swear about him and the situation. It’s bloody hard and makes you feel worthless but we will get through this and we deserve better. Always try and remember this, even if it is hard some days. I’ve just been reading the happy after divorce/separation stories to boost me up. I think it’s like grieving and we are in shock. I know it will get worse before it gets better but it will get better. Stay strong and reach out if you need too. Xxxx

Sorry , he can talk to the kids but you can’t? You need to, they have as much right to hear your side as his. The6 need to know how devastated this has left you and how concerned you are for the future

@Downtontrout

You will be entitled to half of everything including his pension. You need to see a solicitor and make sure you get all what is rightfully yours . This makes me so mad! you have given up your life to look after him and the children and this is how he repays you. This woman who I presume is younger will eventually leave him after she has got all she wants from him. We have a male friend (50s) who is very wealthy and he married a younger woman who cheated on him and then left him. We all saw it coming but he was attracted by her big boobs and blonde hair. I am not insulting blondes btw because I am blonde. One day he will realise what an idiot he has been but it will be too late because you will have made a new life for yourself and won't need him anymore. Sending you a virtual hug (((hugs)))

Jo

it sounds to me like her is having a mid life crisis and I think you should maybe pause a while and see if he gets his head together enough to talk sensibly. I mean who ever gives up on a marriage of that length because they have been unhappy for 4 weeks??? Seriously?
Maybe give him a couple of weeks and then insist on a face to face conversation and if he refuses, seek legal advice.
He does not sound like a well man to me!