My world has fallen apart at 50. I have no idea what to do.

[DowntonTrout]

H left me 2 weeks ago after almost 30 years. I knew he was stressed about work but didn’t see this coming at all.
After our marriage, when we had kids, he asked me to stay home and raise the family and look after him so he could concentrate on building a business and providing for us.
Even up to 6 weeks ago he was still talking about our future together, us selling the business and buying somewhere abroad and finally spending time together. And now he’s gone.
I have no idea about finances. No joint account. Everything is in his filing cabinet at the office.
He is in complete control. I feel like he’s pulled my whole future from under me. I’m relying on him giving me money and I know the house will have to go. I have no qualifications, no experience, have no pension of my own.
I know I’ve been an idiot. Every cliche I’ve heard about women staying at home and being oblivious to finances etc applies to me. I have night terrors and sleep paralysis which was occasional but is now every night so I’m afraid to go to sleep and am having anxiety attacks when I wake up so it isn’t helping. I’m usually such a strong, confident person that I’m struggling to cope with this.
All our friends are couples so it’s awkward, my parents are dead and I have no other family to speak to. My brother is abroad. Our youngest is away in education. The older two are grown up with children of their own.
I’m so sad and scared, I don’t know where to start.

Some great advice here.

Your OH has changed his mindset and you must do the same. I find that it is more difficult to advise oneself than other people.... So if it were your friend or DD, what would you advise them to do? What would your OH advise? Get into that mindset and remember that as a lady of 50, who has raised 3 children and run a home, you are very capable and have many skills; use them now!

Be prepared for the fact that so far you only know part of the picture and there will be more to unfold.

Get finding out as much information on the company as possible. Have accounts been submitted - there should be information on Companies House Beta site.

But get a solicitor ASAP - you need one. Talk to your children, gvie them the opportunity to support you!

I would make sure your children know exactly what he has done btw .. They will be on your side not his ... he is delusional if he actually believes a young woman would be interested in him for his personality and looks because it will be his money she is interested in nothing else imho

I'm so sorry you are in this situation, but as has been said, you need to take control, particularly in terms of finances. Gather what you can and stash it before the time comes when he uses money to control your choices. Judging by what he's done thus far, I doubt it's far away. I realise it's hard, after trusting someone for so long, to believe that he could be capable of causing you such difficulties, but sadly that is often the case. You need to put your business head on, deal with him in a matter of fact way, and allow yourself an emotional withdrawal while practicalities are sorted.

It sounds as if your daughter, at least, has the measure of him, so please ignore what he said and make the most of your support network. You are still young enough to get your head round this and move on to forge a good life, albeit a different one to that previously envisaged. This new life will be of your choosing, once you are free of this self-interested controlling man who doesn't deserve you or your children, and wouldn't have been able to enjoy them and his lifestyle without your input. You have skills to have kept a home and raised your children, now you just get to recognise your full potential.

It sounds harsh, but I'd also suggest changing the locks, he has left, but could come back at any time and clear the place. I don't know about the legal position, but if he wants in, then he needs to do it when you are there. If he moves back in he could make life extremely unpleasant for both of you, and if you leave then he has the upper hand in terms of the sale of any property etc.

Stay strong, you can do this.
Big hugs xXx

You MUST see a shit hot lawyer, not just a family lawyer, because this involves business assets too.

He will be in the headspace where he thinks that 'his' business is his business (hence the 'relinquishing' of your shares - where is the signed paperwork behind this btw?). But he has 'used' you to minimise his tax burden for years. He can't have it both ways.

Did you get independent legal advice over relinquishing your shares and the charge on the house. You need to get a solicitor, this is quite a complex area.

Don’t take anything he says at face value about the finances. He is not on your side.

So sorry this has happened.

Make it clear to your children and to yourself, that he has not provided for you all for the last 27 years; you both have provided. As a team, he may have earned the money, but I bet you have done everything else to make it possible. He doesn’t have all the money, you both share the money.

Do not change the locks (always stupid advice) but there's nothing to stop you getting an 'extra lock' since you are now scared on your own and need extra protection

You will feel shocked now, of course, but use your anger. Whenever it comes upon you use that angry energy to get into fighting mode. At those moments call every solicitor you can until you find one the 'gets' your message; tell your dc the facts (don't ask them to take sides) - that includes the facts of how shocked you feel, how he asked you not to speak with them, how he has removed you as director / shareholder...

When you are in your quitter moments, look at what your 'alternative dream' might be. When I was in the first couple of weeks of separation I googled house website and saw 'the perfect idyll' one that I could buy on half our house price. It was wildly ridiculous, remote and unpractical but it kept me going through some dark nights.

He has no right to say who you can talk to and what you can talk about, OP. You need friends and family on your side. Take no notice of him on this.

I would say that at the moment you "relinquished your shares" (if this was done without your knowledge), this was the moment when he decided it was over.

Another reason for getting a shit-hot lawyer...

Did I see in one of your posts that there was a charge against the house to invest in the (then) jointly owned business? The business from which he has now mysteriously 'revoked' your investment / involvement / ownership? That starts to look like deliberate manipulation - he takes the money, he leaves you with the debt.

Get angry, get very angry. This is not a 4 week mid-life crisis!

I bet he’s having an affair.

Get angry and good luck.

It's been said a million times, but it's so insanely important that I'm going to say it again....

Get a lawyer! Not next week, today, because I guarantee your husband already has one.

The advice on here has been amazing. I can only send you a virtual hug and say how sorry I am that has happened to you. It could be that a second chapter is now waiting for you, that you were not destined to get old and bored, but to have a much more exciting future. The shock will wear off, and the anger will kick in, stay dignified. Get the best lawyers in town and don't engage with him anymore.

I would change the locks too actually. I would not feel safe with a man having access who after so many years together became a stranger overnight. Be kind to yourself op, you can and will get through this.

You really do need to take control or else you are going to be absolutely fleeced. I can't believe you even listened to him when he said not to talk to the children, despite the fact that he had !
You need to find your anger and a back bone. I'm not trying to be harsh but when you wake up from the nightmare the only thing that will make it bearable will be that you got your fair share. it will be almost impossible if you let him bully you out of what is rightfully yours
This is a terrible shock but you have to remember, he is no longer your friend or the man you married.

There must be so many feelings flying around for you at the moment ,I'm so sorry .

I think we need to acknowledge though that you've been together a long time and it would be natural ,amongst all the shock ,hurt and anger ,to still want to think the best of him and to still have feelings for him .There's not a switch that turns every thing off .

I hope you get to see your GP and get help with the sleeping .

Op, he has planned this; mark my words.
Do not wait for him to change his mind, you have to change your mindset towards him. He is your opponent now and will do anything to protect his financial assets.

I suspect that there are some problems with the business too
I know it’s difficult, but get on that phone and find a solicitor. Do NOT tell him what you are doing. Keep your cards close to your chest
You will feel terrible now and you probably have a heavy heart. However, it will get better.

Do not be a victim.
Get a solicitor.
Find his pension details and any paperwork you can. You must know how to get in to his office if he has a business.
Talk to your mortgage provider.
Try and gather all the money you can.
Tell all friends and family
Get a job, anything. It will distract you and you need to be self sufficient.
Look after yourself.

I am so sorry OP. What a shock.

Did i read that correct. He said that for the past 4 weeks he has been unhappy?? I assume he began texting this girl then?

What a cheek. So he is now done with providing for his family as its been 27 years.

I think hes having a mid life crisis OP. But you do not have to be treated like this or accept this treatment. You bloody well speak to whomever you please.

Take a day at a time. You have had some very good advise here.

Get a lawyer. Now. Not tomorrow, or the next day. Now. One who specialises in pensions, assets and business splits, and will commission a specialist financial report about how the pension should be split. There are specialist financial advisors who do this, and the judge will use it in setting a pension order (to split it).

I'm so sorry this has happened to you!

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this.

This new reality won't be easy in the short term but, after sorting out practicalities, you will be able to embrace this reinvented you. Yes, you will need to actively reinvent yourself as an act of self preservation.
The pain won't last forever, I promise!

Divorce breaks the heart and breaks the bank!

Here are my top tips.
•Tell everyone you want. You are not legally or morally obliged to keep his secrets
•Get to grips with your finances.
•get as much documentation as you can re: business accounts, personal accounts,pension, life insurance etc

• Go to your GP if things start to overwhelm you. It's ok not to be ok.
•Get yourself an ACE family law/divorce solicitor. Once you engage a solicitor, speak ONLY through them.
• Begin to create a CV. Don't discount part time roles. Just get back into the workforce and the rest will come on time

We are here and will offer advice and support if you ask.

he has another woman already (I don't buy the "girl" texting him without encouragement from him, honestly, it is insulting how stupid he thinks you are. I have never heard of a man leaving a family home, if it wasn't for a new woman. Hotel all alone? yeah right)

In the meantime he keeps control over the money, over what you tell the kids, over what is told to friends..... he's not a nice bloke and he's not playing nice.

In your shoes I'd get as much money as possible in an account that is in your name only.

Also, i would pretend to "play nice" whilst getting a good divorce lawyer, giving them all the info they need, to start divorce proceedings.

I am sorry this is happening to you, but you will be ok. But get everything through lawyers, do not believe promises from him. You can pretend to believe him and pretend to play nice, but this is the time to get stone cold and hard-assed. Protect your future.

Your husband thinks he can have it all.
But you get half, fight for it and have a good life.

I’d go through the paper work he’s and follow the money trail, make sure you have your own bank account and money. Do you have any joint accounts. Do you have a will , insurance policy I’d consider changing beneficiaries to exclude your husband. My Dad left my mum for another woman, when she died he took the insurance money taken out for her funeral and used it for his honeymoon! We paid for her funeral!
Go and see a good solicitor and get proper financial advice , are you named in the business. He’s shown he can’t be trusted with your heart so why think you can trust him with your miney

Hi OP

If you're struggling to eat, buy some packaged drinks like Complan. At least you will be having some kind of sustenance in the short term. And if you can eat one meal a day but more is too much to cope with, use them as back up. Also, please make sure you're drinking enough liquids. It may sound daft, but if you can keep a vaguely clear head, and keep your strength up, you'll be able to keep on top of things better. Do you take Vit C? If not, invest in a good quality brand and take at least 1000mg a day. Your immune system will be in for a battering, so extra help will be appreciated by your body.

Assume the worst with your ex - that he will try and fleece you, that he will be out for everything he can. Please get a good lawyer as soon as possible. If it turns out he isn't as bad as could have been, all well and good. But assume the worst and be prepared for it. Don't let anything drift by because you think, "oh he wouldn't do x." Always assume that he will and try and get in there first.

My H has phoned me to tell me not to involve the kids because he wants to crush you when you are alone!

He is a bully and you are entitled to half of everything.

Your kids are on your side and they will support you.