Husband has aged terribly

[anothernamejeeves]

I feel so awful and shallow but this has been bugging me for so long. We have been together nearly 20 years and he had always looked older than his years but now has aged so badly be mistake him for my dad. I'm struggling to find him attractive at all. I know we all age but he seems to have aged so prematurely and extremely I am wondering whether i can get past this. I love him but I don't know what I can do. Before people mention greys and wrinkles this is a lot more extreme than most other people his age

This is so sad. I hope after 20 years with DH these thoughts don't cross my mind.

I'm also wondering if he is suffering from depression. I sounds as if he has given up on life.
OP, you are right to admit you've stopped fancying him. It's not anyone's fault, it's just happened. But if you want to continue your marriage, you're going to have to help him get off his arse and start making some efforts. I know it shouldn't be your responsibility, but he's not going to do it by himself.

Is it only sun damage when you work outdoors? Being exposed to the elements - rain, wind, cold - surely takes it till as well. Would sun screen protect you from the wind or bitter cold and how that affects your skin?

I do think the op is shallow. If she doesn't like how her DH looks then she should leave.

Wow, and my sympathies to you @Widowodiw.

I notice one or two males on here, brave blokes! But I also notice quite a few posters making the point about how op would be received if she was a he and made the same comments about PP.

Firstly, men of his age and older do not, or did not "do" facecreams, grooming, or any of that shit. It would have been seen as effeminate or at the very least vain. (Dare I use the word effeminate?, Is that PC? no idea.) Neither I nor any man I know does it or did it. I am 64.

When I was younger I was blessed with looking younger than my age and it was the party trick of a friend of mine to introduce me to people and get them to guess my age, they always thought me at least a couple of years younger than I was. Then when I was 23 a girlfriend pulled a hair out of my head. I asked her what on earth she was doing so she showed it to me. Grey. Since then I have lost most of my gloriously once auburn hair which went so well with my green eyes and what I have left is dead grey.
My second wife was 43 when I met her, I was 35. she looked much younger than her years and people were sure we were about the same age. Since then sadly she has had various health problems and this includes breast cancer for which reconstructive surgery was not appropriate. She is disabled for other reasons as well. She makes huge efforts with her looks, to the point that it almost gets on my wick as she doesn't need to, at least not for me, as I love her just the way she is. But I let her get on with it as she was a real looker when she was younger and for a very long time after and it does her good to look after herself, as she hates losing her looks. In spite of her health, she still looks about 10 years younger than she is, with clothes on. But without clothes there is no mistaking her age. I too have a battle now with my weight and it is true that anno domini is a real shit. But we have both agreed that looks are what they are, we cannot change them much but what is important is how we feel about one another and communicating with each other if something one does upsets the other.

I would suggest OP talks to her DP and really lets him know how she feels. If she has to do this she might actually consider how important looks are to her. If she cannot bring herself to do this but can talk to him about how he is not as much fun as he used to be, then I would say she is not as shallow as people on here have said. But if she gets right stuck in with the "do something about your looks" angle then I would be forced to think she is shallow.

If he makes an effort to be more fun and caring and you find him more atrractive then it should mean that the looks thing is not too important and once you have him onside you could then ease him towards doing something about the looks thing.

True love can get past the way we age, if it doesn't and looks matter more than how a man treats you, then jack it in and the best of luck to you.

Some nasty responses on here.
I'm sure she doesn't want to feel this way but the reality is that she does. It can't be nice to feel that way about your partner.

Literally thought this was my mum until I realized your age is way out.
Can't you just banter about how wrinkled you are both getting? Laughter definitely helps in a long term relationship and as aging is inevitable it won't be long before your hormones (or lack of!) Give you that prune look.
Add more collegen and calcium into your diet maybe?
Keep out of the direct sunlight?

StanleySteamer
ODOFOD

Not managed to read it all. Have we convinced ourselves hes abusive yet?

Maybe the first thing would be encourage him to get a health checkup and skin cancer screen.

After that get some sunblock to put on him once a day. Tell him that you want him around for a long time. Nobody would ever knew he wore it, it only takes a minute to apply, and he'd be protected from further sun damage.

Then both of you join a gym and work out with weight 2 or 3 days a week. That right there is one of the best ways to keep youthful.

Does he drink enough plain water? Being well hydrated is good for skin and health.

Find something a bit childish and fun to do that you wouldn't usually think of doing. Laser tag? one of those escape rooms?

Black women/men on the whole are taught to moisturise from childhood.

Many OculoPlastic surgeons and Dermatologists (I work in the field) categorically say black skin ages very well.

Melanin and moisturizing I believe has something to do with it.

@IncrediblySadToo

Please don’t talk out of your arse- I’ve been moisturising since a very young age and always get told how soft and youthful my skin is.

Also my mother who taught me doesn’t look her 63 years of age with no wrinkles on her face. Melanin has a lot to do with it but also many dermatologists advocate moisturising.

I’ve tried to find some relevant papers from peer reviewed journals using pubmed but was inundated so here is a link from American Academy

www.aad.org/skin-care-basics/skin-care-in-your-40s-and-50s

Also I’m not talking about spending 100s of pounds either though I know some will for skin rejuvenation (Botox and Fillers)

Things like raw Shea or Cocoa butter work wonders.

Self care? Most people who work outdoors ensure they always use sun protection/moisturiser after being outside all day as it helps protect the skin

Oh dear, I hate to say this but I have very few wrinkles and lines and I'm mid-50's. I spent my youth covered in oil basting myself in the sun to a golden brown, I didn't start to use a face spf until about a couple of years ago.

It's genetics not some amazing skin care regime that's made me look younger than my same aged husband.

@Butterisbest, why the nasty response? What's he said that's bad in any way?

anothernamejeeves - you describe a man whose face and personality fit well together. The things that clearly bother you are not a concern to him. There are pros and cons to this - he sounds like he might be better than you at taking life as it comes and you sound neurotic and critical. On the other hand, he may lack oomf and maybe you are more proactive and interesting. Who knows? The only certainty is that you do not sound like you like either his appearance or are large part of his personality!

Oh and I don't know a single person who uses suncream daily, whatever job they do. Definitely not in the older generation.

Most people still don't seem to realise that sagging facial skin can be prevented to some extent by using good moisturisers and skin products. UVA rays are present all year round and they don't just cause lines, wrinkles and dehydration, they also cause sagging skin due to a break down in the collagen / elastin structure. Lifestyle also plays an important role - sugar consumption has more recently been shown to be very ageing. Your genetics is only 20% of how you age.

Nevertheless, I do feel a bit sad for the OP's husband. But she's just venting on an anonymous forum...

@anothernamejeeves How am I treating him badly?

Well for a start you have posted on a public forum behind his back that you no longer find him attractive. Being attracted to someone, or remaining attracted to someone whom you profess to love is more than about physical attractiveness. It’s gestures, actions and feelings.

I feel for your husband.

The ‘posting on a public forum’ accusation is such bullshit, none of us know this man from Adam!

How does his attractiveness or lack of it compare to your own ?

OP is a stunning youthful beauty against whom the DH is a withered repellent lizard

Funny how society accepts older men with much younger women but a woman is being called shallow for not being happy with a man who looks old enough to be her father.

Exactly Havaina. Unless OP's DH visits MN and knows her username how would he know about all of this? OP may or may not have conveyed her feelings to him IRL but since we don't know that I really don't understand how she is treating him badly.

MN is so odd. It's either "LTB because he left the toothpaste cap off" or the kind of nonsense on this thread where apparently even thinking something negative about your DH is abusive/mistreatment

I'd bet from a penny to pound that there's more to this than finding his jowls unattractive.

@Eastie77 exactly! And it’s funny how it’s disrespectful to post about your husband on an anonymous online forum but yet the same people are glued to AIBU everyday!