Husband has aged terribly

[anothernamejeeves]

I feel so awful and shallow but this has been bugging me for so long. We have been together nearly 20 years and he had always looked older than his years but now has aged so badly be mistake him for my dad. I'm struggling to find him attractive at all. I know we all age but he seems to have aged so prematurely and extremely I am wondering whether i can get past this. I love him but I don't know what I can do. Before people mention greys and wrinkles this is a lot more extreme than most other people his age

My husband looks much younger than his actual age, he is 56 and recently was told he looked about 42 he has never used moisturiser. I am 2 year older than him, I wouldn't say I look older than i am and always moisturise. but i am aware that I am starting to look older than he does. He is always kind and says I don't look my age though. If you love someone it shouldn't matter.

Loving and living with someone who doesn't love you is ageing and it certainly doesn't encourage you to self-care!

Was the skin he was in always the most important thing to you? (Although talking of ' age', you keep coming back to skin and you are right - that does seem 'shallow'. It doesn't sound like love at all. )

It is interesting that people talk about 'loving the bones of you' when they talk about real love. Bones are something out of sight and yet clearly there... whether you self-care or not.

@1Wildheartsease "There's nothing so mortifying as to fall in love with someone who does not share one's sentiments" (Georgette Heyer)

Reading between the lines it sounds to me @anothernamejeeves that you are dissatisfied with your marriage for a variety of reasons. However, those issues are often more stressful and convoluted to deal with so you have sort of pinned your unhappiness on his appearance because it is easier to rationalise in your brain. I would bet that if he was a more engaging, pleasant, happy man in general that you would in fact find him more attractive. It's the Dorian Gray effect, (but in reverse). You may not be attracted to his character any more and so you are seeing ugliness (for lack of a better word) on the outside.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with yourself on what the real issues are in your relationship and whether you can - or want to* - fix them. There is nothing wrong with wishing to be happy. There is nothing wrong with ending a marriage if it no longer makes you happy. You don't need a long list of concrete reasons for it. You can just admit to being unhappy and decide that you are going to change that.

As far as I can see most men with jowels these days cover them up by wearing a beard?

Sorry OP, you do sound a bit shallow, and that's not to say you are, but that's how it comes across. I wouldn't drip feed further complaints either as it just seems you are changing facts to garner more positive views.
Has his change to do with attitude or lifestyle, if he has been working outside it will age him.it you have been working inside or not at all it may allow you to work more on your looks.
Finally and I think this is what most ppl have the problem with is , after 20 years of marriage your relationship should be more than looks.
If it is playing on your mind than leave him, he does deserve better and too be honest, you may find a man who thinks like you but if they do , than expect to get dumped as soon as someone better comes along.
For those supporting the OP , would you be quite so charitable if a man came on saying after bring up 4 kids his wifes saggy boobs were awful and she had let us self go. There wouldn't be one person supporting hm, he would be accused of all sorts and his looks would be rubbished too (and rightly so).
Off course this should be a safe space, but that doesn't mean posters can come and say things that are unacceptable just because they are female.

The majority of how quickly we age is genetics! I know plenty of men and women who haven't used all the lotions and potions and look great for their age. And vice versa!

OP you can't help not being attracted to him any more (although for me in long term relationships it's the person I'm attracted to rather than their face/body) but I do think it's harsh to blame him. We all know self care is the current buzz word but I know loads of people with outdoor jobs in the UK and in Spain who haven't use suncream and moisturiser. It's only been pushed as a big deal fairly recently I think and none of it reverses the damaged.

Be honest with your husband so he knows where he stands in the marriage.

I hear you anothername

An ex from my teenage years ( we are in our 40s now) recently got in touch with me out the blue. We hooked up when we were 17 and I thought he was absolutely stunning at the time. I was v excited to meet him again but couldn't believe how badly he'd aged - he looked at least 10 years older than his age. We went on a few dates but I struggled to fancy him and couldn't imagine doing anything sexual with him. I remember him taking a selfie of us both and praying he wouldn't put it on Facebook as I felt embarrassed to be seen dating someone who looked much older than me! Things didn't progress anywhere.

To me it is really important to feel attracted to your partner. I don't think that's unreasonable or shallow. I think it's essential in a relationship.

Back in the day men didn't have to worry about losing their looks, women were less likely to leave because it was harder for them to be financially independent

I don't see how its worse to be bothered if somebody ages terribly, than it is to make sure that youre physically attracted to someone in the beginning?
Most people wouldnt begin a relationship with someone they found unattractive, so why is that less shallow than being bothered that someone looks 20 years older than they are a few years later.
My dp actually told me that he was reassured by the fact that my mum has aged so well as it means I probably would too. Even my dps dad said this about me and my mum.

Its not just about aging either though. There was a point where my dp was not looking after himself and looked quite rough, grew a big old beard and hair long. Eventually I had to tell him he looked like a tramp and it was unattractive. He acted all offended but imo people need to take care of their appearance if they want their partner to remain interested. Even if you look old, you can still take care of yourself, keep groomed and be stylish and that helps a lot

Imagine if a man had posted this.....!

I hardly think we need to imagine, we’re constantly saturated with men’s opinions on how women look

OP is a stunning youthful beauty against whom the DH is a withered repellent lizard

This thread makes me sad because despite moisturising, using retinols and sunscreen, and having spent literally ££££ at the dermatologist to try and minimise atrophic scarring from acne, my skin is still awful and the scars are still here. I'm fully aware it'll only get worse as I age, and I'm always afraid that whoever I'm with will someday leave me because of it.

@wieherrlich have you tried Environ? I'm a skin specialist and Environ is the only thing I've worked with which actually reverses skin damage / ageing. It was designed by a doctor in South Africa who was treating clients initially who had skin cancer. There are a lot of brands that I like but this is the only one where I've seen visible results over a course of 12 weeks when someone has prematurely aged or damaged skin (we take before / after photos)

As an aside though, I'm willing to bet that there are more factors in the OP's relationship which are making her unhappy than her husbands skin. Most decent people wouldn't leave you because of acne scarring.

Heyer -is a heart expert :) @acornleaf. What does she say about skin?

A friend (who moisturizes and sun-creams religiously) found a photo of her grandmother (who stuck strictly to soap and water) taken when she was a similar age to my friend . The two of them looked very much alike and in pretty much the same state of preservation.

There have been identical twin studies on ageing where one twin lived in a different part of the world and was more susceptible to sun damage than the other which show the difference in how they both aged.

The latest research shows that whilst genetics plays a role in premature ageing, it is environmental factors that have the biggest influence.

@wieherrlich - don't fall in love with the OP... otherwise you are safe. Most of us admire the marble finish of statues but don't want to live with them.

My aged-husband and my aged-self are of the opinion that nature allows your eye-sight to fail at about the same speed as the looks of your beloved. This is a great kindness.

@1Wildheartsease oh what sanctimonious bollocks!!!

@anothernamejeeves - which bit of the bollocks is sanctimonious? :)

Wow, OP so mean

If I get jowly I’ll be even more relieved I’m single so no one cares about it!

I’ve a friend in his 40s who laughs about how he looked 40 when he was 20 so doesn’t worry about this shit.

Aged badly. Pffft. Go get a different model if you want one, your dh might be better off.

So he used to smoke? What state are his teeth in? Does he still have yellowy smokers skin? Are his lungs still ok or does he wheeze up & down the stairs?
I don't see what's wrong in not liking how a man ages.
It's different if you make such a comment about women - for a start they often go through childbirth which can do all sorts of unmentionable things to a body plus a tough menopause which is a huge hormonal change and can have a massive effect on their health & wellbeing.
Whereas men get bald, wrinkled & overweight. They can't do anything about the hair loss or wrinkles but weight and fitness can be kept in check and a decent hair cut, shave or beard trim and nice clothes can make all the difference!

How is it different to say things about a woman's appearance? Oh what rubbish.

Either it's wrong to say these things or not.

If you think it's ok then sorry, you have to accept that it's ok to negatively comment on a woman's appearance. And how is menopause an excuse? It's part of getting older, just like the ops husband.

People age. They get wrinkles and grey hair and go bald and don't look the same as they did in their younger days.

You're saying he should stay fit, keep weight in check, have a decent haircut, and nice clothes - pray do tell what us women need to do to maintain the same level of attractiveness as we get older.

@IncrediblySadToo don't look after your skin = bad skin. Don't look after your teeth = bad teeth. It's that simple

Cheeseandwin, if a man came on and said he wasn't attracted to his wife because she looked like she was in her 70s when she was only in her 50s I would understand it.

I certainly wouldn't make out he's a horrible person. I think most people accept the average rate of aging, a bit of weight gain and changes to a woman's body after having kids etc. I do think it's shallow if people can't accept those changes.

But if it's something drastic like looking 70 at age 50 or doubling your body weight then I can see how people end up not being attracted to their partners.

Actually with the weight thing, I don't necessarily think it's the weight that causes the issues most of the time, it's the way the person complains about their weight all the time, doesn't do much about it, how it affects their body confidence, sex life and energy levels and so on.
I can see that the OPs situation is more rare than that but she doesn't deserve the nasty comments thrown her way over this.

Attraction is massively important in a passionate relationship, which is what some people want, not everyone wants just companionship. They want to lust after their partner, and some manage to do that in long term marriage. Yes, love can make someone seem more attracted to their partner despite aging, flaws and all of that stuff, but unfortunately in the OPs case she loves him but isn't attracted to him. It's not her fault.

Then the op should leave shouldn't she? What does she plan to do about this?

The poor man has spent his life working outdoors to support his family and the thanks he gets is to be told he's unattractive because his skin has suffered as a result.

Op leave him. Find yourself a model more attractive to you. Do make sure that you don't start to go downhill though or you might find karma bites you on the bum.