Husband has aged terribly

[anothernamejeeves]

I feel so awful and shallow but this has been bugging me for so long. We have been together nearly 20 years and he had always looked older than his years but now has aged so badly be mistake him for my dad. I'm struggling to find him attractive at all. I know we all age but he seems to have aged so prematurely and extremely I am wondering whether i can get past this. I love him but I don't know what I can do. Before people mention greys and wrinkles this is a lot more extreme than most other people his age

Do you really think stonemasons, roofers, farmers, road menders, scaffolders etc wear sunscreen then CTM when they get home?
Sounds like you just don't like the poor man very much.

Sometimes I look at my DP who is 57 and think they look 65 plus. Wrinkles etc.
Never used face cream etc.
Then I look at their lovely sparkly green eyes, their cheeky smile, very nice teeth etc and remember how although their hands are a bit rough etc, their looks are sort of fading (as indeed are mine), they love the bones of me.

I look good for my age but make an effort to do so. It's good for self esteem and I hope my husband appreciates me doing so. It's a shame he doesn't do the same

It's clear you have different priorities in life. It isn't wrong to want to make an effort to look good for your age if that is something that is important to you but it is equally valid just to be happy to let life take it's natural toll on you if that's what you want. You get self-esteem from feeling you look good; other people get their self-esteem from simply being happy in their own skin whatever it looks like. At the end of the day, whatever your skincare regime, death is going to be the end result.

Self care? Most people who work outdoors ensure they always use sun protection/moisturiser after being outside all day as it helps protect the skin

Ha ha ha ha

OP,is as shallow as fuck. Just own that you don't love (Even like) your husband and that His Very Ancient Appearance is a mere factor in your general dislike / contempt of him

'I don't think he'd be bothered as he's generally quite apathetic in general. His appearance housework holidays days out most things tbf'

@anothernamejeeves It sounds like you've gone off him. Which is fine, you can't help how you feel. Maybe get some relationship counselling to encourage him to pull his weight/make more effort? If you've gone off him physically, that can sometimes change for a while, sometimes not. I know people on this board think relationship counselling is helpful, at least as a last ditch attempt, but most describe things improving in whatever way for a bit and then the problems slipping back in. Both parties also have to want it to work.

If you've gone off him for various reasons, you might have to move on. It's not outlandish of you- something like 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce, after all. Best wishes xxx

......he has aged so badly i mistake him for my dad......’

Sadly living with a horrible woman for 20 years will do that to man.

It sounds like there is a lot more that you are unhappy with than his looks. It's doubtful it was just his looks that you found attractive and fell in love with all those years ago. Do you still find him attractive in any way, or is your disatisfaction about everything?
It sounds like you could do with relationship counselling, tbh.

is he a bit like Sid James? He aged terribly I always thought but he still got the ladies.

This is more about not finding someone attractive anymore, which could be for a number of reasons, not just aesthetics. We all get older (if we're lucky) and none of us look the same as we did in our 20s. Even celebrities, with access to first class cosmetic surgery and treatments, still look older. There are other reasons people become unattractive though, not just the way they look. They could develop an all consuming interest in an activity that leaves the other person cold. They could change their political views. They could become selfish and uncaring.

There's a lot more to this than lack of moisturiser.

Is he a good man? Doe she love you and respect you? Do you love his persona? Does he make you feel cherished and supported and looked after? ( i dont know... these are things that matter more to me than people aging) im a lot younger than my partner. I know hell be an "old man " way before me. I dont care. I love the man. I dont see the aging. If you do... do you think theres somethin else behind it? Could the love be gone? Have u gone in different directions? (Sorry i have to ask...but are you being shallow?) Its a matter of puttin things on a scale i guess and see whether i want to carry on or not but id try to out myself in his shoes before that tbh

@anothernamejeeves
How does his attractiveness or lack of it compare to your own ?

Ageing doesn't matter a whit, grow older gracefully and embrace the freedom.

It is the person that matters underneath the baggy eyes, the drooping skin and the bits and bobs that just go South inevitably, and the hands, the hands! That's how you know if someone is botoxed up to the hilt ha ha..

If your DH is a lovely person, that is all that matters really. I have saggy skin, I have bags under my eyes, I did manage to keep a decent BMI through genetics because I didn't work on it at all.

People see you for what you are, not if you have a few wrinkles or such. And to be perfectly honest, at a certain age most people will just shrug and say BOTOX if an older person looks great. Not one cares. Well I don't anyway.

There is more going on here than OP is saying I think.

Better to be who you are and not give a fig, than to chase something that will be high maintenance. It will sag eventually. The light shines from within.

OP you have sure had some blunt posts here but there we are.
At least you were honest and expressed your opinion and that takes a bit of courage even if it’s all anonymous.
It’s a bit hard to understand what you mean as details are quite sparse.
For a start, moisturising does fuck all unless you apply it absolutely all the time, it won’t stop you getting and looking old. (I am skin care obsessed and even I know that) There is only so much a mature working man is prepared to do in terms of skincare, wether he works outdoors or in an office. And the habit of using suncream was not around 20 years ago so it hasn’t formed with your DH and that’s that. It might have helped a bit but I seriously doubt it because he would have had to apply it properly and regularly throughout the day for it to have a serious preventative effect.
People age, unfortunately it shows on everyone despite some (women mostly) thinking they look a lot younger than they are. However, there is a lot of beauty in the more mature and older person.
You appear to be disappointed that your DH (suddenly perhaps?) looks really old for his age and you’d like to change this. Obviously you can’t turn back the clock but you could consider pushing him towards a healthier diet and more exercise if these are somewhat lacking because he can’t be bothered or doesn’t know much about these topics. Cycling, swimming? Going to the gym. Pilates or similar are amazing for the more mature man ( I know a few who do it and it shows). Also helping (if possible) with better sleep - new pillow, new mattress, better room temperature so that the sleep he gets is restful etc.
There must be at least 1 small thing you could complement him on so that he feels better about himself and gradually build up on that.
If he’s a lazy git and can’t be arsed to shower, brush his teeth, use deodorant and wear clean clothes there’s nothing you can do. Unless he’s become this way because of a depression related condition which needs sorting out first.
If he’s an alcoholic, don’t bother because you won’t be able to help. Harsh but, trust me, true.
Stress ages people terribly. Illness does too. Combine that with a more introspective or negative personality and eventually it shows up on someone’s face.
Did you know, the way a person looks through their eyes never, ever changes even if they are otherwise completely transformed. That look is unique to them. Maybe you can find it again and that might make you realise he really is the same man. Maybe that will help, maybe it won’t.
In my opinion wrinkles and lines give character to a face. Especially the lines at the corners of the eyes. They show the story of a person. I never understand people who want to erase the lines around their eyes. Those around the mouth are not ideal but the eyes should never be touched.
You can help him look the best with what he’s got (left) by nudging him in the right direction. Do something together. If you tell him directly, it won’t work out very well.
I have a feeling that it’s not actual physical change in him that you seek. You probably want to see that he looks after himself and respects himself more in that sense. If he lost his confidence you can help by being encouraging. If he never showed an interest in basic self care, that will not change.
These were random thoughts which hopefully will inspire you a little to a) not give up on him and try and see him with different eyes and b) try and guide him in the right direction for his own health benefit (not as a project for you).

My late husband was 'jowly', I taught him how to do facial exercises to combat that but don't think he did them, bless.

He was lovely though, a man of good character and charm which is worth more than looks (he could still look quite good when he made the effort, albeit overweight); he was drop dead gorgeous when we were young but to me he remained so even though the shine had worn off.

The op can't help how she feels, I'm sure she doesn't want to feel that way. There may be more to it.

I know somebody like this OP. Now late 50's but looks nearly 80. His wife is late 40's and they look like dad and daughter together.

Mine too OP, when we got together my friends were telling me what a 'catch' he was. fast forward 15 years and its freaky friday. I don't know what happened but my svelte and sexy hubby got old and flabby. He used to train 4 nights a week, now he walks the dog. If anyone has any great advice for this, I am all ears!

So what happens if partner who was once oh so fit and all that, then has a devastating illness. Would you still love and respect him?

Ageing happens, we all know this, and I honestly do not look at people for their looks, I see them for what or who they are. But a terrible illness would be much worse than a few wrinkles or jowls or a pot belly etc. Just saying.

If your that fed up with him OP then make plans to leave him.Its never too late to change things and move on if that's what you really want.

@Jenasaurus similar sort of skin I guess. Less of a dirty goat (as far as I'm aware anyway!)

Ah, he has a face like a dried prune, I know a lady who always sunbathed has gone the same way. Well look at it like this, lets say it was your face that went like a dried prune, how would you feel if your DH, moaned about you looking like a hag, then went to Blackpool with his secretary. The vows used to be for better or worse, richer or poorer. I know it is difficult to stay sexy all through married life, take Michael Douglas for instance he's wrinkly, but still looks sexy. Have you looked at yourself lately, sometimes we think we're not old because we dont feel old, but a glance in the mirror soon brings it home. Just try to remember him as he was 20Y ago.

@fit4more I wish more people understood about my hatred of bad/missing teeth.
I'm single and so many of my days have very obviously not looks after their teeth.
It's grim

Ah, it sounds like @Janebeth60 said - you've gone off him.

This could be a temporary state of affairs if you still want to stay with him.

I recommend "The Affair-proof marriage".

It taught me a lot about how to make my marriage last when we were going through some low points about ten years ago.

I wonder if OP is perfect in every way?

Anyway, doesn't matter, OP does not seem happy with her DP/DH so it will never improve will it no matter what he does?

Think about it.