Husband has aged terribly

[anothernamejeeves]

I feel so awful and shallow but this has been bugging me for so long. We have been together nearly 20 years and he had always looked older than his years but now has aged so badly be mistake him for my dad. I'm struggling to find him attractive at all. I know we all age but he seems to have aged so prematurely and extremely I am wondering whether i can get past this. I love him but I don't know what I can do. Before people mention greys and wrinkles this is a lot more extreme than most other people his age

@Derbee I look good for my age but make an effort to do so. It's good for self esteem and I hope my husband appreciates me doing so. It's a shame he doesn't do the same

I've aged badly, as in more quickly than others my age, despite all my efforts (which've included Botox etc now and again, but I can't afford to keep that up regularly.)

Some people will find me less attractive because of it. That's a shame, but I accept it, it doesn't make them bad people as such.

@anothernamejeeves Hypothetically speaking, how do you think hubz (fuck off, haters!) would react if one day, you just upped and said FUCK IT!, and took a leaf out of his book?

Do you think he’d mind if you let it all ‘hang out’, as it were?

But would moisturising daily have stopped him from getting jowls?!

@Butchyrestingface I don't think he'd be bothered as he's generally quite apathetic in general. His appearance housework holidays days out most things tbf

@anothernamejeeves and maybe your husband thinks he looks good too

I don't think you're well matched any more. His looks matter to you so much that his aging is changing your feelings towards him.

You need somebody who looks younger, and he's going to need somebody who finds him attractive on the inside.

It isn't going to get better, is it, for either of you. You can't make yourself want him.

Most people who work outdoors ensure they always use sun protection/moisturiser after being outside all day as it helps protect the skin

They really don't. Loads of men don't.

Also, if this bothered you, you should have said something 20 years ago because he's not going to reverse the natural ageing process by slapping a bit of Nivea on now, is he? Jeez. What do you expect from him? A facelift? Because that is the only thing that can stop his skin sagging on his face.

People get older. Some age better than others. You mention he's had health issues - that's far more likely to have aged him prematurely than not wearing bloody moisturiser. You're not being remotely realistic with all this titting on about fucking skincare. Skincare doesn't take 20 years off you.

Either you love him or you don't. Judging from your posts, you don't.

Shock horror person ages as they get older! He deserves better than someone so shallow.

But would moisturising daily have stopped him from getting jowls?!

I had jowls at 20. Shitey jaws. 🔨 🔫 🦈

I agree with a poster above sounds like he deserves better and you can go find a younger model. Who no doubt will do the same to you when aging catches up with you as it will. Then karma will be complete.

This is why looks shouldn’t be the most important part of a relationship. Looks almost always fade and then what are you left with if that was the basis of your relationship?

It sounds to me OP that actually you don’t seem to like this man very much. I can almost feel the disdain for him in your posts. Am I right or am I just reading too much into things?

You need to decide what you want to do about this. Do you love him as he is? If not, then either he needs to change or you need to leave.

I have to say, I’d be devastated if my partner said he didn’t find me attractive because I had aged badly.

Anyway, I hope you can get to the bottom of this, as it is clearly causing you upset.

OP

I think it’s right in that you can’t help how you feel. I now understand what you mean about self care in that he didn’t use sun protection. That’s quite probably been the catalyst to him ageing.

I just know that I was in similar position to you but in my early 30’s where I still had youth on my side. (Certainly wasn’t amazing looking but I was ok with my appearance etc)

I didn’t find my partner at the time attractive in a way I wanted to. I did leave him after about 10 years and I met the ‘man of my dreams’ looks wise and married him. A few years down the line I still fancy my DH but my god he gets on my tits at times!!! He’s fit but sometimes I think are we actually compatible as we biker like cat and dog.

I do love having sex with him as I am attracted to him but that lust feeling certainly isn’t there in the way it once was.

What I’m trying to say waffling on is that I put a great emphasis on finding them physically attractive but now I have that, we have other issues that get on my nerves if that makes sense. I’ve even considered splitting up with him as he is imo selfish. That’s where I’m coming from when I say the grass isn’t always greener xx

Most people who work outdoors ensure they always use sun protection/moisturiser after being outside all day as it helps protect the skin
Hmm I’m pretty sure my PIL who are farmers have never seen sunscreen tbh.
I wouod also be surprised if all the guys you see working in the roads etc... ever put sunscreen and moisturisers afterwards.
It woudn’t make a jot if difference in sagging skin though.

The only way to get rid of jowls is plastic surgery, no cream will get rid of those. Some people age badly it is genetics.

No way in hell would I outwardly express finding my wife physically unattractive, not even to anonymous internet strangers, especially not the ones here.

I don’t know what to say. If he’d got overweight then he can cut back on eating, but he can’t help ageing and he’s just unlucky I guess.

Isn’t love supposed to be there still though? I guess you either leave him for someone better looking or stay and don’t make him feel ugly. I think I’d be gutted if my partner left me as I’d aged quicker than them.

Men usually age better than women

Yeah, they really don't.

Agree - go on any OLD site and do a search for men aged 50-something and then the same search for women, this will prove the point. Many of the men look like they have made no effort whatsoever, the women routinely appear younger.

@anothernamejeeves, i think you are determined to find fault in his behaviour. And you are attributing some issues he has to his ‘lack of self care’ because it’s easier to blame someone than trying to accept they are physically changing.

Maybe go back 10 years ago. Skin products for men were still rare. A man saying he was applying moisturisers would have been laughed at (and actualy in some circles, they will still be laughed at).
What your DH did is what the majority of men his age have done. You cant really have a go at him for that! (And that’s assuming it would have made a difference).

You need to stop the blame game.

My DH is 55. Used to look like a Greek god when he was young. Still does triathlons, goes to the gym, eats well. He has the body of a fit man 20 years younger.

But when we were young he always had a great tan, minimal sunscreen and he’s spent years running outdoors in all weathers. Of course he uses moisturiser now, but it’s a bit late. He doesn’t have jowls but he has very weatherbeaten, red faced Englishman, skin and he’s losing his hair.

I don’t know, he’s doing all he can to stay healthy. To be honest he’ll always be 26 and gorgeous to me anyway so it makes no odds. I’m disabled now so I suppose I’m a lot less attractive. It doesn’t seem to bother him either.

Moisturizer won't do a thing for jowls, whatever the skincare companies say.

Is there anything else going on? It seems women often post about their "straw that broke the camels back" and then there are a whole host of other issues that caused the resentment.

But if it literally is just that he's aging prematurely, you should try to make your peace with it. At some point you'll both be equally jowly, and probably past caring.

I am not being mean or judgemental but I am going be honest as I see it and address the elephant in the room.

YOU DO NOT LOVE HIM.

If you did your husbands aging wouldn't matter at all to you.

Sorry to be blunt.

Op. You really want us to tell you to leave him. Well, go ahead. There comes a time in life when looks and material things don't matter, you just want your family beside you. At that point you don't care what they look like or what disabilities they have.

My exh worked outdoors a lot and never used sunscreen or moisturiser. He was of the era where it didn’t exist when he was young. He is very wrinkly for his age.

I don’t think men in their 50s routinely use skincare do they?

@Janebeth60 exactly perfectly put .