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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has aged terribly

258 replies

anothernamejeeves · 19/11/2019 17:25

I feel so awful and shallow but this has been bugging me for so long. We have been together nearly 20 years and he had always looked older than his years but now has aged so badly be mistake him for my dad. I'm struggling to find him attractive at all. I know we all age but he seems to have aged so prematurely and extremely I am wondering whether i can get past this. I love him but I don't know what I can do. Before people mention greys and wrinkles this is a lot more extreme than most other people his age

OP posts:
Hydrogenbeatsoxygen · 20/11/2019 19:50

Attraction is massively important in a passionate relationship, which is what some people want, not everyone wants just companionship

As we grow older, attraction and passion begin to take a back seat. There isn't anyone who grows older without looking older and everyone has some sort of health problem. Some health problems are mild, others are more serious but no one gets away without having something. It happens because our bodies age. A partner isn't just for passion, we need to look after each other as well.

Relationships evolve. When you are young attraction and passion are undoubtedly important but as we grow older other things take over and become more of a priority. Even when we have children, other things take over. As a heavily pregnant woman or a woman who has just given birth, passion is unlikely to be a priority. Within a loving relationship a partner will still love you and look after you. They will not reject you because you're feeling and looking like shit after sleepless nights, having a baby belly, massive boobs, etc.

Equally, a loving partner will not reject you because you're ill, ageing, disabled, disfigured etc. At least, that's surely what we all hope for.

Jocasta2018 · 20/11/2019 20:05

Well if a woman wants to be attractive, whatever age, they should just do the same things.
Oh plus shoes & a bra that fit well - nothing is more ageing to the face of a woman than painful shoes and the discomfort of a badly fitted bra!
It's just about being turned out well - that's what people will notice, not how old you look.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 20/11/2019 20:20

I suppose it depends how much the people who love you value the person rather than appearance.

AutumnConker · 20/11/2019 20:36

MN has become quite a place for the virtue signallers. The pompous self-righteousness is usually very spiteful, an irony they’re too dense and insensitive to see, naturally! They tend also not to read any of the thread as they’re only interested in their own opinions.

Anyway, glad there are some posts trying to understand the situation, and there have been a few ideas for OP.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 20/11/2019 20:43

Anyway, glad there are some posts trying to understand the situation, and there have been a few ideas for OP.

What are the ideas for op?

AutumnRose1 · 20/11/2019 20:47

I really don’t get how it’s virtue signalling

Everyone ages differently

If that bugs you, get a different model, it’s your right

But you can’t be surprised if people flinch a bit at comments like the ones OP is making

feministwithtitsin · 20/11/2019 21:05

OP, I'm not sure why you posted here. If it was just as a sounding board, that's fine, but I don't really how much advice on your situation can be given?

Your DH cannot go back in time and implement a skin care regime that means he looks better now. If he worked outside, chances are that was in physical manual labour, which also takes a toll. You cannot change the fact that you are not attracted to him anymore. You are where you are.

It sounds to me like this may be the beginning of the end of your marriage. The only thing I would say is that you sound angry/upset that he hasn't taken care of himself and now looks so old. It sounds like you are trying to blame your DH for the end of your marriage. Realistically, marriages do not end because a partner didn't use sun cream or moisturise. He didn't not 'take care' of himself on purpose to frustrate or upset you. The anger has to go.

Obviously I could be wrong, this is my take, just based on a very limited thread.

StanleySteamer · 23/11/2019 13:59

Thanks @ItIsWhatItIsInnit,
I thankfully have no idea what @butterisbest meant, but it was obviously something derogatory.

I may post long but I think that makes up a bit for the fact that most posters on here are female

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