Husband has aged terribly

[anothernamejeeves]

I feel so awful and shallow but this has been bugging me for so long. We have been together nearly 20 years and he had always looked older than his years but now has aged so badly be mistake him for my dad. I'm struggling to find him attractive at all. I know we all age but he seems to have aged so prematurely and extremely I am wondering whether i can get past this. I love him but I don't know what I can do. Before people mention greys and wrinkles this is a lot more extreme than most other people his age

Did his parents age prematurely? Maybe growing a beard would help, I always think beards make men much more attractive even grey ones. Does he feel insecure about it himself or is he happy enough? I suppose if hes happy then there is not much anyone can advise you on. I get it though, you will get blasted of course but honestly you're only human and whether we accept it or not...being attracted to your partner is quite important, shallow yes..but its human nature

I get it. If my DH lost his teeth due to ageing/lack of care I would have an issue with that. Bad teeth puts me off. My sex drive dries up at yucky teeth!

Eeek! Sun aged skin. Maybe pay for him to go see a dermatologist?

Poor sod - he deserves someone less shallow and more mature in Outlook (even if not in appearance)

I presume he was earning money for your family while he was working outside.
And now you can’t get past him ageing?
Really?
I also wonder if he deserves better

I think some people are being too harsh on you.

I'm wondering how many people in long term marriages just don't find their partners attractive anymore? Probably a huge amount! That doesn't mean they don't love them, they purely don't have that "buzz" anymore.

My ex husband was stunning but after 24 years he no longer turned me on. Why? Who knows? Bills? Kids? Stress? Tiredness?

Is he aware of it? Has he ever said anything?

I'm sorry to be blunt but I think you're being awful, shallow doesn't even cover it. You're say you love him, so behave like you do. As we grow older we do age, get over it. Some of us even have things wrong with us, for example how would you feel if he had rheumatoid arthritis and couldn't walk properly, or if he'd had a stroke, or a facial injury?

FFS what is wrong with you OP.

now has aged so badly be mistake him for my dad

My DH, only 2 years older than me, due to health conditions aged considerably over the last several years but I look a lot younger than my age anyway. We have had workmen, shop assistants, HCP mistake me for his daughter.

I love him but I don't know what I can do

This I don’t understand because I don’t feel the need to ‘do’ anything.
It bothered DH a lot initially, to the point he started dying his hair- when it went orange I laughed.
He loves me with more cellulite than I had when we met, he loved me when I put on then struggled to lose 2 stone. I don’t ever look at him and think “god you look old”.
He’s just the same DH.

Ah I see the Saints are out in force on this one OP - ne'er shall a woman on Mumsnet ever be allowed to be (seen to be) anything other than a faithful, loving wife, come what may. Until it's LTB time of course
I can understand your concerns OP. Attraction IS important in a relationship.
Have you talked to him about it? Would he take some care of himself if you brought it up? It maybe too late for simply moisturiser but you won't know until you have a gentle conversation about it.

I've been there for him through illnesses etc. Because I love him. I don't find his lack of self care attractive though

My husband has aged far quicker visually than I have but that's because he couldn't give a toss about skincare, has jowls and has gained weight. I on the other hand am a bit of a skin care whore and have good genetics.

Doesn't bother me in the slightest, he's still the person I married just looks older.

Only you can answer if you're shallow enough to be bothered by it.

Attraction IS important in a relationship

So if someone has an injury or an illness, we just walk away because they are no longer attractive?

@GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap

Just wow.

What do you mean by what can you do? It’s his face. Getting a skincare regime isn’t going to do much now and it’s up to him how he cares for himself.

Is he clean, hair cut, teeth brushed, clean clothes which fit, eats healthily?

Most peoples DH look the worse for wear after a while, but if you love them you see past it .Is he quite well do you think? .How do you feel generally about him? Do you not want to be in the relationship any more and are using this as a reason to escape ? I am not judging you .just trying to see where you are coming from .Can you see if he can maybe lose some weight ,Colour his hair ,work out at the Gym?

But surely ageing is not 'a lack of self care'? It's beyond his control. I think it's really shallow of you tbh.

@Hydrogenbeatsoxygen why do you keep going on about injuries/illness? It's not the same
And yes lack of self care really can cause premature aging

Has he turned into victor meldrew personality wise aswell?

Lack of self care? You mean you seriously expect a guy in his 50s who has worked outside all his life to have had a moisturising regime? Seriously?

Does he have health concerns (or should he be checking for health concerns?) Illness can really age people I think.

Personality wise he's just very passive. He's a bit joyless at times too

jeeves you do realise that lack of self care other than a shower and hair wash, teeth brushed and deodorant is ok don't you? Some people really aren't bothered or just weren't born with good genetics.

And as for the illness/disability comments, yes they are relevant, would you feel the same if he had a chronic illness and couldn't adhere to a self-care regime?

You either love him enough to look past the visible appearance as my husband has done for me in the past where I gained a lot of weight, became extremely depressed and couldn't have given a shit... Or you walk away.

When you say 'lack of self care', what do you mean? Is he not washing, cleaning his teeth, wearing dirty clothes, does he smell bad/have poor personal hygiene? If so, has he always been like that? If you mean that he doesn't take good care of his skin, if he's a British male then that's pretty much par for the course, but would he go and have a facial with you as a couple's thing? My DH wouldn't, but I know of men that do consent to that kind of thing, if encouraged. As for saggy, jowly skin, short of getting a face lift I'm not sure what can be done once you get into your 50s.

I hear you OP! My DH is over weight, drinks, smokes, does not exercise or dress well and I don't like it! In fact I really dislike how it makes me feel about him and how I assume that he now thinks he does not have to make an effort for me!
He is also sliding towards old age at only 51 where as I am going kicking and fighting! I didn't beat breast cancer or go through a reconstruction for this!