Husband has aged terribly

[anothernamejeeves]

I feel so awful and shallow but this has been bugging me for so long. We have been together nearly 20 years and he had always looked older than his years but now has aged so badly be mistake him for my dad. I'm struggling to find him attractive at all. I know we all age but he seems to have aged so prematurely and extremely I am wondering whether i can get past this. I love him but I don't know what I can do. Before people mention greys and wrinkles this is a lot more extreme than most other people his age

I agree with a poster above sounds like he deserves better and you can go find a younger model. Who no doubt will do the same to you when aging catches up with you as it will.

But she doesn'tnt say she wants a younger model, she seems to be saying she wants a man who.looks decent for his age, as she does.

What is it with all the self righteous vitriol itt.

I’m sure you’re an oil painting that’ll have lots of younger looking men flocking to you that are more suited to your tastes.

As above.

She's not said she wants a younger man. She'd like a man who looks decent for his age/around the same age as her.

Can pp not read a thread - or are they choosing not to, so caught up in their virtuous, self righteous outrage and nastiness.

Im not shallow I don’t expect my husband to look in his twenties when he is in his fifties.

There's no end to this crap - seriously, where has op said or implied she wants a man who looks like he's in his twenties? What man or woman looks like they're in their twenties when in their fifties?!

She doesn't want a man who looks younger than his age, just not significantly older!

Why would someone like to control their partner into being an Adonis?

If the OP was from a man.... well think about the reactions!

Best of luck to you all anyway. Beauty comes from within at the end of the day.

Tbh I don't see why anyone doesn't moisturise, it's as important as brushing your teeth and just part of being an adult

What a crock of shite

slapping shit on the outside of your body hasn’t been proven to make any fucking difference & I have better things to do with my money & time...

And fuck off is it as important as cleaning your teeth

Why would someone like to control their partner into being an Adonis?

Why are so many posters on Mumsnet so extreme and melodramatic. There's just a tiny little difference between wishing your dp wasn't jowly, saggy faced, looking quite a bit older than his age etc - and wanting some ok be to look like an adonis ... For the millionth time she would just prefer someone who looks decent for their age, as she dies, instead of (significantly) older.

OP can't help feeling how she does. This should be a safe space for her to be honest, she hasn't been nasty, unlike quite a few posters here.

*as she does

If a male partner said what OP said, what would you all think?

Has he also aged mentally? My husband is physically very fit but has mentally slowed down that I worry about his mental capacity !! The children have also noticed...have made him go to go for memory clinic referral!!

How am I treating him badly? I'm being honest. If someone's partner gained ten stone you are telling me you'd still find them insanely attractive? Or their teeth rotted? Or they stopped grooming?

But gaining 10 stone isn't a natural part of life is it? Ageing is part of natural life. Some age better than others.

Exaclty @Outsomnia if a man posted on here saying his wife’s boobs were sagging and wrinkly after children and he didn’t fancy her because of it all hell would break loose. I can’t see many people speaking up saying calling him brave and agreeing with him. Or telling him to tell his partner to get work done on them. Unfortunately people can’t control how they are going to age some will age faster than others. If it was true love it wouldn’t make a difference. I guess there must be many other factors contributing to this.

And there was me, smugly thinking I’ll be okay when I’m old, as my DH loves me end of, looks don’t come first after 20 years OP so I’m confused - isn’t there a deep connection, a look in his eyes, something that makes you still attracted to him, or were you never really attracted to him at all?

Of course the OP isn't shallow! Her husband looks 20 years older than his actual age and makes no effort with his appearance and so she isn't attracted to him. Is she honestly supposed to pretend otherwise? Some of the sanctimonious responses on this thread are ridiculous.

Those of you who are unbothered by your husband's premature ageing, weight gain etc - good for you. However OP doesn't feel the same about her husband's deterioration and I don't blame her at all.

She has vented on an online forum and hasn't said any of this to her DH's face so I don't understand all the vitriol.

I wouldn't blame him for ageing as he works outside. However, total lack of self care must ge galling for you. My DH eats white carbs and no fruit and veg. He dislikes fish, loves red meat, double cream and and cake. He avoids vegetarian meals. I'm fully expecting him to have an unhealthy retirement, and I'm wondering who he expects will look after him.

That's another thing isn't it, if you have very different attitudes to staying healthy...well it's a bit unfair in some ways isn't it (obviously I do realise that luck comes into it too)

Sandals19
She doesn't want a man who looks younger than his age, just not significantly older!

What does someone 'looking their age' mean to you? Because the OP's husband is the age he is and he looks the way he does. Ergo, he looks his age.

I am currently reading a book called Lifespan and apparently aging is not in our genes, so all the comments about having good genes or having inherited father’s genetics are a myth. The way we age and when is not encoded in our genes. There is no such thing as the aging gene or a clock that determines when aging starts. There is however an accumulation of signals errors and other microcellular factors that cause aging and it seems there are things to do to limits those insults on our epigenome, but I haven’t got there yet in the book.
Borrow the book from your library!

I think you should be grateful that you have a husband that is ageing. Mine didn’t get the chance he died at 38. I would love to be sitting here now looking at his ageing face. Instead I’m recovering from my 10 year old having an episode because he misses his dad - I can still hear him crying. I’d take ageing any day.

The only lack of self care you’ve mentioned OP is having an outdoor job and not wearing sunscreen. It seems pretty harsh to find him unattractive because he didn’t use sunscreen. I imagine most men his age with outdoor jobs didn’t and don’t use it.

It’s not really the lack of self care you find unattractive is it? It’s the wrinkles and sags themselves.

If you genuinely love him you will look past it. What if he’d had an accident and been disfigured or lost a limb? Would that put you off him too?

@Widowodiw that's exactly the reason why I won't dye my hair. A good friend of mine died aged 29 from a lifelong illness. She never got to grow old. I see growing old as a privilege many never get.

Must be so heartbreaking for you to have to go through that and then listen to your boy going through it too. My heart goes out to you both.

Can you imagine he might think about you the same as you think about him?

And you admit he has been ill?

Most men I see working out doors are lobster red from May to September. Sunblock is so not a priority that there are research studies in how to encourage it.

OP, could your husband be ill? Could you persuade him to see his GP to check if something is going wrong. Many health conditions can make people look old and haggard. Also, if he's unfit, taking up some form of exercise could work wonders for him. Have you tried finding some healthy activity you could both enjoy?