Husband has aged terribly

[anothernamejeeves]

I feel so awful and shallow but this has been bugging me for so long. We have been together nearly 20 years and he had always looked older than his years but now has aged so badly be mistake him for my dad. I'm struggling to find him attractive at all. I know we all age but he seems to have aged so prematurely and extremely I am wondering whether i can get past this. I love him but I don't know what I can do. Before people mention greys and wrinkles this is a lot more extreme than most other people his age

Ffs why can't OP voice her thoughts?

I totally get you. Men think they can get away with it because the general thinking is that 'men get better with age'......no they fucking don't! Age catches up with everyone eventually, sooner if they don't bother with basic skincare. The thing is what are you gonna do about it? I doubt you can change anything.

tricky but I think alot of men of that sort of age saw skin care as a feminine thing so didnt go for it
nowadays we expect men to be more groomed but men my age (mid 50's) largely just didnt get the memo when they were young enough for it to make a difference

My DH is older than me and looks it. His hair is sparse, his face is weather beaten none of that matters really. On the other hand his Victor Meldrew attitude makes me want to brain him these days. He really has become an opinionated ass. My DS said "Dad has no filter" which sums it up perfectly.

Can you get him to watch Queer Eye OP? some of the episodes might hit home. Some men just don't know where to start when it comes to self-care.
I think you need to take him in hand (if you think it's salvagable) get him to the barbers for a hot shave, hair cut etc, manicure. Something to make him feel good - confidence is very attractive.

I myself have aged (gasp) and in my mind I am 26 but looking back at me from the mirror is a Norah Batty lookalike. Ageing is hard on the ego.

FFS why is everyone crapping on about skincare??

Being fully moisturised for 30 years won't stop jowls from developing if that's the way your face is going to go.

Poor bastard can't help what his own face does.

It sounds like the OP is generally unhappy with her man, and blaming it on his face. Without any more details it really is pointless to comment at all.

What I ahve an issue with here is the fact you are putting down all his ‘ageing’ to self care only and that he is letting himself go.

I’m not sure what you mean by that tbh. He has been ill and that, in itself is ‘ageing’. Stress and genetic play a huge part.

So I’d be interested by what you mean there.
What doesn't make that much difference is using creams and whatnot.

Classic mumsnet. Poster gets absolutely slated and rinsed and called a c* (how unnecessary?! For saying something out loud that most people have thought or said in real life.
It's really unattractive when your other half doesnt look after themselves. A big part of a relationship is sexual attraction.

Moisturising is one of the most basic ways you can look after yourself. Tbh I don't see why anyone doesn't moisturise, it's as important as brushing your teeth and just part of being an adult.

I’m not sure how not using skincare products creates jowls?

Totally agree @catandstuff22

But would moisturising prevent jowls from forming? If so, how??

OP You’ve mentioned personal care twice but what’s that got to do with him ageing prematurely??

If he didn’t clean his teeth, or shower for several days, wear dirty clothes, that would be personal care or lack of... and he could clearly change that. He can’t however change the fact he hasn’t aged well.

He might be thinking the same about you. I assume you’re somewhere near 50? Pretty sure he thinks most 25 year olds are more attractive than you but we can’t all stay that age forever.

If he turns you off that much then you could leave him I suppose but bare in mind that you’re no spring chicken yourself and won’t have the pick of men..... sometimes you think the grass is greener but it often isn’t. If he’s got a good heart and is good with you I would really consider what you’re looking for and the likelihood of you finding it... if ever!

I know how you feel op. My DH is always being asked if he has taken the OAP discount etc. He's just turned 50! He used to smoke quite a bit of dope and I think that took its tole. To be honest after 23 years he is who he is. I've got wrinkly too so can't really call him out for ageing.

Tbh I don't see why anyone doesn't moisturise, it's as important as brushing your teeth and just part of being an adult.

Not for the average man

Im not shallow I don’t expect my husband to look in his twenties when he is in his fifties. I also wouldn’t expect to not love him anymore if god forbid something happened to him and he looked different after an accident or an illness . I guess true love goes deeper than looks .

Btw, just anecdotal but still.

My mum has never used any skin care products. She is now 75yo, is regularly told she is 60yo and still doesn’t have grey hair as such, just some dark grey streaks, darker than my own grey hair. (She was horrified to discover i had my first grey hair at the tender age of 42yo...).
I know some people who have used all the right products etc... and who look older than they are.

The reality is that there is very little scientific basis to all the creams. Just look at the ‘trials” they mention. It’s usually 5 people for a couple of weeks who all feel it’s amazing. No way these could ‘prove’ they do anything about ageing skin.

Tbh I don't see why anyone doesn't moisturise, it's as important as brushing your teeth and just part of being an adult.

I dint either and I have no issue with my skin.
The only time I’ve had problem with dry skin is when I actually tried to use some of those creams. It then took me weeks for my skin to go back to its own balance, as in not dried and looking nice.

FWIW imo the most important thing you can do for a good skin is avoid smoking and alcohol, a good diet and reducing stress.

Is he independently wealthy?

Self care? Most people who work outdoors ensure they always use sun protection/moisturiser after being outside all day as it helps protect the skin
Not doing so it a bit arrogant and fuck the consequences really

People who are calling you shallow are being unfair OP. You can't help it if the way your husband's aged means you know longer find him attractive, or people mistake him for your dad, which probably makes you understandably ashamed.

These might be 'banned' emotions but they're understandable, and if you have them, you have them. We might all have them in the same position, depending on how our OH looks. You can't help it.

Hi - actually, I completely get what you’re saying. Regardless of whether you still love him or not, you do need to feel physically attracted to your partner! I know we all age and for some of us it’s more extreme and quicker than for others. However, if it’s making you feel repulsed, then there is probably something other that’s underlying that repulsion. I do understand that you need to fancy your mate!!

Presumably you’re absolutely beautiful and getting more and more so every day?

Mumsnet why did you delete my post using the c word yet let @Treesthemovie directly call it me?

*no longer. Gah! Bailey's:)

One of my exes looks absolutely minging now. He's older than me but I used to find him gorgeous, he's really rough looking now, no way I would!