Husband has aged terribly

[anothernamejeeves]

I feel so awful and shallow but this has been bugging me for so long. We have been together nearly 20 years and he had always looked older than his years but now has aged so badly be mistake him for my dad. I'm struggling to find him attractive at all. I know we all age but he seems to have aged so prematurely and extremely I am wondering whether i can get past this. I love him but I don't know what I can do. Before people mention greys and wrinkles this is a lot more extreme than most other people his age

@anothernamejeeves Pay no attention to the people who are acting holier than thou, as if they've never committed a 'thought crime' in their lives. You're not a bad person for observing that your OH has aged more rapidly than most, and that you don't find it attractive.
But do try and remember, if you were going to be life partners, you were going to see him as an old man anyway. Looks do eventually fade, and you need to come to terms with it. If he's being lazy however, perhaps you can encourage him to take on a self care regimen, like skin care, aftershave, new hairstyle,gym membership. Christmas is coming up, so you can maybe treat him to goodies to encourage him to start looking after himself. Start eating healthily together. Make this into a positive lifestyle change for both of you. I'm not sure what to say about his weather-beaten-ness, jowls etc... There's nothing you can do apart from surgery. And that would be a wildly unfair thing to suggest to him, even if you could afford it.

If a man wrote this he'd have his arse handed to him

I think seeing him putting the effort in will help change your perception of him, irregardless of what he looks like. If my other half looked like a slovenly slob, and acted one too, it would be ten times worse. If he took the time to look after himself... Nice haircut, good clothes, smelt good, strong body, healthy diet... It would be totally different.

You are probably one of those people, who gets surprised when you meet your old school pals at how they have aged.

Thing is you probably have too.

That sounds grim millstonegrit but OP hasn’t said she shares those complaints, all I’ve seen him accused of is having jowls.

I moisturise like it’s a religion but I take after my dad and am inevitably going to inherit his prize worthy jowls, can’t be avoided.

If a man wrote this he'd have his arse handed to him

She’s mostly having her arse handed to her.

Are you unhappy OP

I often project my stress onto my relationship.

Maybe a chat with someone would help.

@AnneLovesGilbert Yeah, and it's pathetic. People don't want to offer constructive advice/ opinions, they're more interested in acting virtuous. As if they've never had a judgemental thought in their life. They're acting like they would never ever be shallow on any level, and that no one should have any bloody standards when it comes to self care and looks. She's not necessarily asking him to change, she wants to perhaps change her own perspective too and people aren't helping.

@Hydrogenbeatsoxygen that's not what I said, and well you know it (unless your comprehension skills are low).

I said it was important, I did not say it was vital/a deal breaker/the absolute end. It's one of many factors that make up a healthy relationship and should be acknowledged. Go pick a fight somewhere else.

It's important to the OP, it's affecting how she feels about her husband. She should be allowed to say so and discuss it on a forum and not beaten down with a 100 repetitive, jumping on the bandwagon "you're so shallow, I would lurve my man whatever" type superior comments.

You're being very vague about what you mean by lack of self care.

He's a bit joyless at times too

I would be too if I was married to you.

What do you want to do about it? I assume a skincare regime won’t help now, and you said he’s passive and dull, so it sounds like you want to leave?

@virginpinkmartini 🙌

God, people do just hang around mumsnet to give a kicking to people they don't know, don't they?

Op, maybe the fact he's joyless has more to do with how you feel about his looks?

DH (we're the same age) aged quite a bit more than me in our 50s. Now entering our 60s it's starting to 'even out' a bit although I still look somewhat younger. Or I flatter myself that I do.

One thing to be aware of is that the 'Oh, I thought you were his daughter' comments are usually 'flattery' and not to be taken seriously. DH and I got a bit of that and there's no way I ever looked to be 20 years younger than him!

Is the sagginess/jowliness caused by weight or is it just the way his skin has gone?

If the latter, the only thing that seems a solution is cosmetic surgery. That's quite an extreme thing to broach with a partner.

(Actually even if it's dud to weight, and he loses the weight - even gradually - I'd imagine he could still not lose the stretched/saggy skin (?) so again it would be cosmetic surgery.

Is that the main thing?

*due

If a man wrote this he'd have his arse handed to him

She’s mostly having her arse handed to her

Quite right!

You say you've helped him through illness, could that have contributed?

What does "lack of self care" mean in your context? Is it not showering, brushing teeth, wearing deodorant? Or is it not moisturising, exfoliating and having his brows done? There's a big difference.

Unbelievable

Have you met someone else op?

You mention people who have put on lots of weight. That's a different matter because they could hopefully lose the weight. Your OH isn't going to lose the jowls without some kind of surgery and why should he just to please you. I'd find a man with a daily moisturising habit deeply unattractive. You sound like you don't love him because if you did these things wouldn't bother you as much.

DH is 2 years older than me. People have mistakenly thought me about to be a teen and people have mistakenly thought him in his mid forties.

I don’t love my husband for his appearance. I think he’s gorgeous but that’s just a bonus.

If he wasn’t washing, brushing his teeth, changing his clothes, I would feel differently but that’s more about personality than appearance.