Husband has aged terribly

[anothernamejeeves]

I feel so awful and shallow but this has been bugging me for so long. We have been together nearly 20 years and he had always looked older than his years but now has aged so badly be mistake him for my dad. I'm struggling to find him attractive at all. I know we all age but he seems to have aged so prematurely and extremely I am wondering whether i can get past this. I love him but I don't know what I can do. Before people mention greys and wrinkles this is a lot more extreme than most other people his age

*thought me to be a teen

Lots of people laying into the OP, but she can't help whether or not she finds him sexually attractive anymore can she?

That's a shame, OP. I would feel the same as you if my husband completely lost his looks. Not sure there's much you can do about it though, unfortunately

Egads, OP, just leave him so he can find someone who loves him. You do sound awful, honestly. Poor chap.

I've got a horrendous, saggy wrinkled midriff post pregnancy. Glad my DH isn't as shallow as you!

My OH is more gorgeous every day. Yes, he's getting older and so am I.
Yes, your view is shallow but it's essential you go and find yourself someone just like you who cannot age and let your poor OH be with someone who appreciates him.

Whoop whoop..its the sound of the thought police. The OP hasn't done ANYTHING awful to her husband. She's merely admitted that she doesn't fancy him any more. How does that make her a horrible , shallow person? You can't help who you are attracted to...you either are or you aren't. OP, can you try to discuss your feelings with your husband? Perhaps ask how he'd feel about you if you didn't make an effort and have some sort of conversation about it with him. Perhaps he could do a bit of tweaking - new hair cut/ nostril and ear hair removed/ bit of a dental revamp/ shake up his wardrobe. Would that help?

Ignore the replies OP you're not some awful human for struggling to find him attractive. I guess you just have to remember your love for him and his attractiveness inside now instead

Maybe your Husband is passive and joyless, because he knows how you view him physically, and he then stays in the same old rut,and has given up on some things in life. It's easily done when a person is passive, and never enjoys anything,they might just give up,and not care about themselves.

God some of the replies to this post... what makes some people post such spiteful and unconstructive rubbish?

I get you op (even if no other bugger does!) my dh has also aged badly, not helped by the fact that he was very good looking up until his mid 40s when he started going bald. He suits having hair. I was always the ugly one so I suppose that’s life. Sad though.

Op are you sure this is just about his looks, and not you've fallen out of love with him and feel no physical attraction to him because of that?

I don't find his lack of self care attractive though

What self care is he lacking, or not doing?

If you've tried to persuade him to take more self care & he won't.. .then he won't.

You'll need to re-evaluate what you get from the relationship & if it's worthwhile. Nobody can decide that for you.

FWIW, I think I'm aging somewhat badly. I find it funny. & wouldn't miss DH if he went... so....

Can you give us more details?

Do you find him attractive as a person, personality-wise?

I think that sometimes, people can go along in unsatisfactory relationships for a long time where they are not happy but its not bad enough to leave, and this gets harder and harder, but 5 years turns into 10, into 15, into 20 and before you know it, you dont even have the physical attraction and sexual spark anymore to keep you going.
I imagine that if you really dont fancy your partner anymore, then its probably a lot deeper than the way he looks, but him looking old before his time doesnt exactly help the situation.
After all, everyone gets old and most people look progressively shitter, but you take care of yourself, dress nicely, and hopefully your relationship has got enough going for it that the love and affection remains.
You said hes joyless too. Maybe youre just bored with him

It sounds like you’ve fallen out of love with him. It is what it is. That’s ok. It’s not the law that you have to love him is it. If you don’t fancy him anymore then best to be honest about it and move on. There doesn’t have to be a reason beyond that. If you were still in love you’d probably overlook the appearance. It’s way too painful otherwise surely? Maybe have a trial separation and see how you feel? You’re allowed to have an opinion on your partners appearance

Isn't one of the joys of being together growing old together?

None of us look how we used to..we just don't notice it so much in ourselves.

It's not just the aging, some people just don't even bother to try, which is unattractive in itself.

I wonder how much of the lack of attraction felt by OP is the other half's total lack of effort and ambition to look and present his own best?

OP unless you want him to find the mitchum and get some plastic surgery, theres nothing you can do really. Some people do age terribly, but what can you do.

@PicsInRed exactly

Honest question, why do you care what other people think when they look at your husband?

Men usually age better than women

Yeah, they really don't.

Leave him, I’m sure you’re an oil painting that’ll have lots of younger looking men flocking to you that are more suited to your tastes.