Can’t find a man to date who is as intelligent or as knowledgeable overall as me

[TreeGreenSpade]

I know intelligence comes in many forms and can’t really be measured.

But what I mean is I am always going on dates with people who aren’t as educated as me (again I know that an education doesn’t mean you’re intelligent!), or don’t have a grip of finances or financial planning, they don’t know much about the world generally or don’t have an interest in discussing the world... or they haven’t experienced as much as me so topics are limited a little.

Or if they do have any of the above, it doesn’t seem to match me. I feel bored within an hour or so.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is this something I need to accept if I want to find a relationship?

@Purpleartichoke this is true.

I used to think I was an extravert. But i was an extravert with a fragile self-esteem who needed validation. Since I've become more content developed a much stronger sense of myself and ceased needing as much validation, I feel much more introverted. Is that a common experience/realisation I wonder.

As well as the compatibilities of intelligence and types of intelligence that need to be there, a couple also needs to have self-esteem in the same place I think, and they also need to have similar social needs / need for space.

There is so much to line up.

Sorry, I'm already taken

More seriously, we now have a 60:40 female:male split in university students. That means that a whole lot more women are likely to find themselves in your situation. However, I didn't get attached until mid-30s and I have a friend from university (lawyer and then judge, now early retired) who didn't pair up until well into his 40s), so there will be men out there. Perhaps they are despairing that they only ever meet airhead women . . .

I feel your pain OP. Nothing would leave me drier than dating a dullard

Sarah not sure you have rtft judging by your response to PigletJohn.

OP I think you are looking in the wrong place. I found OLD a waste of time and money. Met DP through mutual friends. We've been together over 10 years. Someone's friendship group is a much better indicator of compatibility imho.

Go out and do something you enjoy instead of spending time on OLD. Or even just try something you're interested in. Take the pressure off and get out meeting people in other ways.

I think that perhaps you need to give them a bit more time.
When I met my DP I didn't really have your thought process but certainly she hasn't travelled like I have, never went to University (has done now), didn't have a great education level and wasn't interested in many of the subjects that I was, preferring to read about celebrities etc.

Her kind soul won me over but over the years I've come to realise that she is interested in much more than it first appeared, she's smart, quick and now she's educated as well. We still have different interests but had I judged her in the first couple of months and the type of things you are saying were important to me we'd have never lasted and that would have been on me.

Be careful what you wish for OP. I married a man because he matched my intelligence level and made me laugh. Unfortunately those things masked the fact he was emotionally very damaged and couldn’t keep up as the slings and arrows came along. I should have sought out a whole person, not focused so narrowly on two elements.

I’m degree educated and have a professional career etc etc yadda yadda but I couldn’t think of anything worse than talking about finance and world affairs and politics and crap when I’ve finished work! Boring.
Thankfully my husband - who isn’t as intellectual as me but has far more common sense - doesn’t give two shits either. And has no desire to be educated by me.
The worst thing you can do is settle though, if someone is dull for you after an hour imagine spending every day with them. Keep looking and you’ll find someone who is a good match :)

I’m with you OP. I can’t find stupid men interesting. It’s also politics for me. I can’t be interested in blokes who voted leave or don’t vote or don’t care about voting. They also have to care about the environment eg recycle. I can’t date a vegetarian/vegan. That puts me off. So I need an intelligent, sparky, environmentally conscious voter who isn’t a Tory and loves a good steak.

Also @WestSideSnorey is correct.

@fit4more plenty of them where I work - I’ll hook you up!
Your steak has to be medium rare though.

“ So I need an intelligent, sparky, environmentally conscious voter who isn’t a Tory and loves a good steak.”

You’re entitled to want what you want. But people change over time. Stuff like this seems very specific. I can’t imagine caring whether or not someone eats meat.

@EBearhug, yeh, ''hang around high tech industries'' made me snigger a bit. For a start, you'd have to go to them, you'd literally have to go to their office, their desk, and start the conversation and even then they might say ''you're sitting on my mouse mat''

And a friend of mine did a night class wondering vaguely if she might meet any men, and all of the men were there because they already had a specific Italian they were trying desperately to impress.

Over the years MN has opened my eyes to the sheer variety and depth of bad relationships, with innumerable "LTB" handed out. So many women with seemingly awful partners.

So what is wrong with knowing at the outset that you want someone with whom you're likely to be more compatible?

@PigletJohn 's list is spot on for me " intelligent, educated, witty, interested and aware, good talkers and good listeners, stimulating, charming, financially literate " Add kindness (and maybe only one big cock) and that's pretty much the goal for most of us, no?

Apart from the cock, I tick pigletjohns list, as I suspect most people on this thread do.

I'm not asking the impossible. I'm asking for someone like me, or my friends, or my siblings. Kind, funny, clever.

Surely there are as many bright, engaged men as there are women?

People often don't feel comfortable around the traits that they rationally value. That's another factor.

If they did, i'd have a queue from here to the library, wanting to date me for my solvency, humour, warmth, wit and charm. But somehow there is no queue! I am single (dating, but no plans to make it more serious)

People write lists of their ideal qualities and then go on a date with somebody who ticks some of the boxes but more significantly, makes them feel siightly inadequate but with a ''I want the best for you'' demeanour and that resonates.

Even when you know all of this consciously it's still hard to override it. A list of character traits doesn't trump that feeling that something resonates here.

I feel your pain OP.
I'm sceptical about OLD but if you are going to try it you could improve your pre-date filtering by asking specific questions about what book they last read, what tv/radio programmes they watch, what do they think about Brexit. The way people answer questions like this will tell you a lot, perhaps more than the actual answer.

PS I met a man on OLD who was a perfect match for me intellectually (barrister) and in humour but was also a thoroughly nasty piece of work...so beware!

Hi Anyfucker. No, not single, I have been with my bilingual, TT, IT expert company owner Dp for 10 years. we have 2 dc. I am fussy who I have kids with.

''Im fussy who I have kids with''. That is such a pointlessly supercilious remark. If you've only been with your DP for ten years and you have two children, then being a single parent is not outside the realms of possibility so try to be a little bit kinder to those of us who had children who turned out to be selfish / lazy/lead by their ....

Well, there are clearly a ton of intelligent, educated men out there, so the question is why aren't you matching with them?

PS I met a man on OLD who was a perfect match for me intellectually (barrister) and in humour but was also a thoroughly nasty piece of work...so beware!

Didn't you see the warning signals?? Like "What do you do?", "I'm a barrister".

I have to laugh at these threads as on the many threads where women are dating some cocklodging, shower dodging, twat everyone will shout raise your bar, your self esteem is in the gutter!

Then on this thread, where the OP expresses a preference, she gets told how unappealing and wrong it is to want someone intelligent or maks a certain income.

This.

I am surprised by the parallels drawn between intelligence/abuse, intelligence/education, intelligence/money, intelligence/compatibility, intelligence/interesting, intelligence/policitics ad infinitum. I'm not sure cognitive intelligence correlates significantly; emotional intelligence or lack of, might.

Suprised by the supercilious judgements of thickies, bores and similar from apparently intelligent pp.

Nothing precludes abusers, does it? - except perhaps testing of equal sharing in the relationship power dynamic.

Compatibility comes with similar levels of intellect, regardless of qualifications, doesn't it? Not that OP said otherwise.

Also, perhaps some specialities, highly vocational roles, make good matches. Thinking caring roles/professions are similar type people, and yes, perhaps the myles-briggs, mentioned by pp would be a way to go.

his thread is unbelievable. Whenever anyone dares mention intelligence on here even when they immediately qualify it by saying not necessarily formal education they get inundated by posters explaining that formal education doesn't equal intelligence

...and this...

I have to laugh at these threads as on the many threads where women are dating some cocklodging, shower dodging, twat everyone will shout raise your bar, your self esteem is in the gutter!

Then on this thread, where the OP expresses a preference, she gets told how unappealing and wrong it is to want someone intelligent or maks a certain income

Being smug in a relationship of x years with/out dc is also no predictor of anything, either long-term or non-abusive.

Clearly noone has nailed it in the compatibility scales, people are rarely all knowing of themselves, let alone others, or whats best for them even.

Search for what feels right for you OP, and be as aware as you can possibly be about whats driving you to your perceived needs and what keeps you happy. Be careful what you wish for, not what you consciously wish for.

Mensa has a singles bit. Try their site.

Interesting thread.

OP I thought you'd get some criticism based on your wording, but I do see your point.

Agree with the majority of PPs that intelligence is important but so are many other things.

"So I need an intelligent, sparky, environmentally conscious voter who isn’t a Tory and loves a good steak."
"Environmentally conscious" and "loves a good steak" are mutually exclusive, unless you like people who talk the talk but don't walk the walk?
I care about the environment but I also eat meat and I know that if I was a true environmentalist, I would give up meat.