Can’t find a man to date who is as intelligent or as knowledgeable overall as me

[TreeGreenSpade]

I know intelligence comes in many forms and can’t really be measured.

But what I mean is I am always going on dates with people who aren’t as educated as me (again I know that an education doesn’t mean you’re intelligent!), or don’t have a grip of finances or financial planning, they don’t know much about the world generally or don’t have an interest in discussing the world... or they haven’t experienced as much as me so topics are limited a little.

Or if they do have any of the above, it doesn’t seem to match me. I feel bored within an hour or so.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is this something I need to accept if I want to find a relationship?

[\arches eyebrow]

I have an online dating profile where I ask

Does anyone else read books anymore? (Not a deal breaker, just curious)

It gives someone an 'in' to talk to me and (hopefully) tell me what they are reading. Also probably repels a few who don't want a gf who reads a lot/ not common ground

Hm, I'm married to a very intelligent bloke. I'm not daft either. We mainly bond over fart jokes.

Perhaps relax into this dating game, give people a bit longer so you get to know their intelligences?

Emotional intelligence, and the ability to not take oneself too seriously, is very important.

Some highly intelligent folk (I know a few) are quite horrid people and I would hate to be partnered with them.

I think it is a mistake to have such a narrow remit. Much like the woman who posted the other day about how she couldn't possibly consider a bloke who didn't earn x amount

Maybe I should have said I’m looking for someone with a huge cock and can’t seem to find it.
Now there I can help you.

It's what's inside and the good character of the person is what counts over intelligence ,!!

I’m highly intelligent I can match my life around anyone I could date someone not as bright but they would have to hold a conversation. I adapt to my verbal language to suit. I haven’t spoke using language only the intelligent understand for years. Stuff I can talk about varies too. It’s about quality not intelligence you should be able to adjust

As ever, AF is very wise.

I'm sorry, OP, but you need to get over yourself. Education is, on the whole, quite strongly correlated with financial privilege - especially if you're talking university degrees and beyond.

You say you end up 'teaching' your dates. Do you think it's possible you're just patronising them and they clam up?

And please, for the love of God, don't do what some suggest here and seek out 'academic' dating groups. Academics are just as human as anyone else, and most don't want someone who thinks a perfect first date would be sitting through vintage editions of University Challenge with a scorecard each, to see if you can beat the winning team.

Anyfucker - yes to emotional intelligence - kindness is key and a much more important factor in the longevity of a relationship

I’m not seeking someone educated. Just someone who is challenging intellectually.

Obviously emotional intelligence is important too. I’m surprised that there’s so much outrage on here, I don’t think wanting someone on the same intellectual level is better or worse than someone who likes a tall man or a dark haired man over fair haired. Surely it’s just what you’re attracted to?

An academic isn’t really what I mean either. I don’t mean high brown intellectual debates every night. I mean someone who is quick witted, understands nuanced references, that sort of thing

Join a debating society, a book club or attend open lectures at your nearest uni?

DH and I have different levels of education, it's never bothered me. In at least two area of shared interests he has substantially more knowledge. I studied philosophy so I'm not any sort of knowledge junkie, I'm more interested in critical theory and I'm not easy to challenge. He is threatened by my ability to argue but I'm constantly amazed at the level of knowledge he has in things that interest me. It's not immediately obvious that he is very intelligent, whereas I've been told my intelligence is intimidating. So, I think you need to give people a little more time perhaps before disregarding them? I've found most people can be encouraged to think and explore interesting ideas, even if they haven't had a brilliant formal education. I find facts rather boring compared to ideas. The sort of people who have acquired a lot of facts and knowledge often seem unable to think creatively or critically. It's like being forced to read an encyclopedia rather than being challenged.

Ignore those who say that intelligence is not important or you should overlook it. No, that is something that is important to you and a future relationship so you should hold out for that. Intelligence is an aphrodisiac as far as I am concerned. He could be the best looking bloke in the country, but if he is a bit thick, or limited in interests, he would be a turn off.

Mini I agree but please read the OP - I’m not marking people by education. I know that is often linked to privilege and has no correlation to intellectual ability.

The one thing you should never do when dating is try to be someone else.

Maybe you do value perceived intelligence and education much higher than most people, but then that’s what you need to wait for.

You won’t be inundated with chaps to choose from but you will find a genuine match when you eventually find him.

If this is important to you then don’t compromise on it.

——
There’s no way to discuss this without sounding a bit up yourself but if you know you are above average intelligence and you aren’t interested in the same things as most people it’s good to acknowledge that to yourself.

But, @TreeGreenSpade, you say you want someone educated and well-travelled. Yes, sure, you qualify those comments, but you also admit you 'teach' your dates, and you mention finances.

Taken together, to me, that combination sounds like someone who means 'I want a nice upper-middle-class man who is richer than me, who will talk offer to take me on holiday to Bruges or Dubrovnik rather than the Maldives.'

It might actually be quite intellectually stimulating for you to communicate with people who are not using the same cultural references as you. You could try it?

Op, I get you. I just want to have occasionally an intelligent conversation where the other party doesnt get the huff because you disagree (most reasonably) with them.

My dating pool at the moment is mostly middle aged, overweight men, with tattoos, who are only interested in their (very limited) hobby. Why? Because my DC is into the same and we go to events and activities that support that. I chat politely, have a laugh, comment politely on the hobby, but god am I bored. They are lovely people, but not for me. I need intellect - not snobbery, not rudeness - but just a spark of curiosity and enquiring. I'll hang on and see what happens next!

Outrage ? There is no outrage. I don't think you are as emotionally intelligent as you think you are

I think equating degrees to intelligence is very short sighted. I have several degrees but it does not make me more intelligent or able to discuss current affairs than someone who is not educated to my level.
I think you are being most unreasonable in looking for a ‘mate’ according to your parameters.

Sorry, I took so long there that I missed your update claiming you're not marking people by education.

So, well ... why did you mention it? If it's a shorthand for something else, I think you need to sit down and work out what that something else might be.

I'm attracted to intellect, the academic kind.

But my partner is a very working class guy with now academic ability who left school with nothing.

Conversation isn't deep in an academic sense, but we work well and I can talk to other people too.

I meet people who meet or exceed my own intellect through hobbies which draw those kinds of people.

You need to be blunt about this in your dating profile really.

Your thread title made me laugh lol.

But seriously, I found it helpful for instance on dating sites like Plenty of Fish, that you can search based on education level. You have to weed out the liars or those who've ticked the wrong box, but that's easy based on their messages.

There are dating sites for those with degrees etc I imagine.

Also, people met through Guardian Soulmates tend to be relatively bright.

Are you in MENSA? :) You could meet people that way, or other groups for intelligent people/cultural discussions or whatever.

I get ya totally, I can't be doing with no dense wazzocks either

Jesus. @ClapHandsAndSaveTheFairies, does your partner know you think they're not intellectual or deep because they're working class without qualifications?

I get ya totally, I can't be doing with no dense wazzocks either