Can’t find a man to date who is as intelligent or as knowledgeable overall as me

[TreeGreenSpade]

I know intelligence comes in many forms and can’t really be measured.

But what I mean is I am always going on dates with people who aren’t as educated as me (again I know that an education doesn’t mean you’re intelligent!), or don’t have a grip of finances or financial planning, they don’t know much about the world generally or don’t have an interest in discussing the world... or they haven’t experienced as much as me so topics are limited a little.

Or if they do have any of the above, it doesn’t seem to match me. I feel bored within an hour or so.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is this something I need to accept if I want to find a relationship?

I understand OP.... All my friends say I need to be partnered with someone not afraid of their brain, and who sees shades of grey, nuances etc.

ExDH used to have a go at me about my vocabulary, hated that I was 'cleverer' than him.

I don't think I'm clever however I try to meet people where I find them, I don't want to intellectualise/patronise anyone; maybe that is inconsistent with true authenticity.

Talk about analysis paralysis I do think brains and emotional intelligence are attractive features.

I know lack of formal education doesn't always mean someone's unintelligent, but having a PhD or whatever, or even a degree from a good university, is a shortcut to finding people with intellectual/discursive talent.

Guardian soulmates?

@ dense wazzocks

I would deffo date someone that used the term "dense wazzocks". Are you single Bananalanacake ?

Guardian Soulmates will spell your advert wrong. And then you will look like the stupid one and all the clever liberals will shun you.

Apparently.

Why exactly are you going on dates with these men?
Surely you're speaking with them enough to gauge their intelligence?
Are you not dropping the financial issue into conversation early on?
If these things are important to you, then you should be asking them these questions BEFORE you waste both of your time on dates.

I was looking for exactly the same thing and when I met my partner I had the answers to these questions within a few hours of starting contact. I wouldn't have even bothered carrying on the conversation if he'd answered with something incompatible, let alone wasted my time and money on a date.

The time you're wasting talking to and dating these men is time you could spend looking for the right person.

I've first hand experience of what AF said, the most intelligent man, so much in common interest wise was delighted to find him etc

Except his emotional intelligence sorely lacked, he was cruel, often for the sake of it, and had a very unbecoming sneer to his lip he couldn't always hide. Arrogant.

I've recently found myself becoming more attracted to men who may not have my educational level but have the kindness and compassion he sorely lacked.

having a PhD or whatever, or even a degree from a good university, is a shortcut to finding people with intellectual/discursive talent.

No, it isn't.

What a load of bollocks. Why on earth would someone with a degree or a PhD in maths, say, or astrophysics, or the medieval history of accounting, have any discursive talent? They might do (just as anyone you meet in the street might do). But they might equally well be boring bastards with no ability to talk about anything without making drying paint seem like the most dynamic intellectual development since moveable type.

This thread is unbelievable. Whenever anyone dares mention intelligence on here even when they immediately qualify it by saying not necessarily formal education they get inundated by posters explaining that formal education doesn't equal intelligence.

Christ. Is wanting an intelligent partner an actual bad thing now? You can't win. If you settle for Mr Kind but uninteresting you'll be told to leave him for someone you're actually passionate about. Try to meet someone with similar values and conversational abilities to yourself and you're basically a crashing snob.

Do posters on this thread consider themselves intelligent or not? You all sound intelligent to me, don't you want partners who are your equal?

I think you've just been honest enough to say what quite a few of us think. Dating for me has become dreadfully dull as I go out with one guy after another who just doesn't seem to have really taken charge of their live. I'm quite specific about who I go out with, but they fail to live to their own hype in terms of drive, quick wittedness, experience or engagement. Most of them don't have a real curiosity about the world and are happy to occupy their comfortable corner of it. Even the conventionally academic high fliers I've been out with have been horribly dull as they are so niche. They just don't have that spark of genuine native intelligence. Maybe all the good ones have been desperately hung on to. Would make sense I suppose!!

A degree is not essential to be a person with intellectual capacity and be interested in current affairs.

Perhaps they, like me, don’t know what ‘high brown intellectual debates’ are. 🤣

The posters saying they’re intelligent and with someone less so because the intelligent men they WERE with in the past were cold and cruel...

Maybe I want someone who is intelligent and NOT cold and cruel, just like you appear to be?

I’ve said multiple times I’m not after someone who has an education necessarily. I’ve also never said that I mention finances...just that I’ve been aware that I’m more financially savvy from the way these men come across or tell me things they’ve done or paid for etc.

Don’t really get the comment about holidays in Bruges rather than the Maldives i’ll take either but have the cash for both myself thanks

I’ve really no idea why people are telling me not to chose someone based on whether they have a degree.

I’ve never said that?

All I have to add is... for god’s sake don’t settle!

I have several female mates who took all the advice being given here- don’t be supercilious, compromise, everyone has their different strengths, etc. They married men who didn’t suit them intellectually.
What I’m seeing now is how many problems this causes in middle-age and beyond. They can’t agree on what to watch, where to holiday, ANYTHING in current affairs. They argue heatedly at dinner-parties or just quietly seethe. They end up living quite seperate lives, and a lot of resentment building.

I think it’s cos we all ‘harden’ a bit in our views as we get older, but those of us used to developing our intellect retain some good habits that protect us from becoming too narrow-minded? We read books, listen to podcasts/speakers on mentally-challenging topics (for fun!), hone our critical thinking skills by evaluating ‘opposite’ views to our own, surround ourselves with new ideas, curiosity, activism etc.

If that’s never been your ‘thing’, I think you’re not going to be very mentally stimulating to live with, for someone who is keen on it!

I, myself, should have rated ‘critical thinking skills’ in a partner far higher than I did. Big mistake. Now I find that while a lot of the other positive traits in DH (that attracted me) have faded (looks, outdoorsy, sociable, energetic), the lack of thinking skills causes many daily problems. It leads to gullibility (in a Fake News world) as well as making bad decisions and being deeply shocked by outcomes that Blind Freddie could have predicted. Very tiring to live with, and not something ‘a good sense of humour’ helps balance out.

Be careful not to think of intellectual ability (or interest) being on par with a hobby (‘she likes reading, he likes golf’). It isn’t. It is a filter through which everything in human experience passes, it colours every thought, interaction and behaviour.

Don’t settle. That’s my 2 cents. If you end up with a cat for companionship, shouting at the radio, it’s still preferable to sitting there gobsmacked at your partner’s monologue about how some random on YouTube has absolutely refuted climate change exists because of ‘reasons’ and that maybe we were too hasty in vaccinating our child

Nothing wrong with wanting an intelligent partner, but it's not a shortcut to finding an intelligent or interesting partner.

90% of the time it means your parents supported you throughout school and had the resources to support you through college as well, and you went with the flow.

I'm dating somebody and we still have great conversational chemistry (if that's a thing). He is smart and funny but never wears his education on his sleeve, in fact, I think he crammed and put it in short term memory so it's almost like it's not there to be honest.

I dated one man with a Phd and he didn't respect (or properly understand) any type of intelligence apart from his own, which made me think less of him in the end. He had a phd because he had had no family, no children, lots of money and he had the freedom to do it. Having got to know him it wasn't proof that he was a great intellectual.

I think people are responding to the whole thread, OP.

@TreeGreenSpade

Sure, ideally that's what I would like too, and when I did meet a man that ticked every box liked that I felt like I'd won the lottery, shortlived, except it didn't turn out and I was just sharing that ONE experience

I'm single right now.

Good man hard to find etc.

A degree isn't essential, who said it was?

I met a man at a wedding once, we had an absolutely brilliant conversation about sport, a subject I've never been interested in before. My DP is sport obsessed but doesn't make any of it interesting to me.

This guy managed to make me laugh uproariously whilst explaining what sport means to Americans and why they follow it religiously. I don't know if he had a degree or not but he was passionate, funny and brilliant at explaining stuff.

Maybe he's a total dickhead, who knows. But god I wish my DP could converse like that. I've never forgotten how enjoyable it was. If I was single again, I wouldn't settle for a nice guy but average chat. I'd want excellent chat or I'd stay on my own.

I’m not sure anyone has mentioned education means intelligence. It seems to be a default response.

Ha ha, @Skittlesandbeer - that's funny, swap cat for dog, and a loyal dog beside you as you shout over the radio presenters does sound preferable to most of the men i dated (on line).

Yes that’s the thing...it’s the chat. So many men just don’t seem to have it, they don’t get it, have no interest in it.

@TreeGreenSpade apologies I hate being part of a pile on.

I had this problem once, and it was just that I was not meeting the kinds of men who I had anything mentally in common with. What changed it for me was going to university where I felt I was among like minds at last. I met my lovely man there, who is very intelligent. We do not talk all the time about cerebral subjects, though we could if we wanted to.
The advice earlier about weeding some of the online contacts out by writing is a really good idea - exchange several emails, and look out for grammar, spelling and sentence construction! That will tell you something, and you could ask their opinion about something in the news - say a film. It won't give many clues about character though.

dense wazzock is my new favourite phrase.

Especially since they won’t understand it enough to confidently punch me for saying it!

Reminds me of a mate, who debriefing after her date described him as ‘having the intellectual range of an avocado’. Have always loved that one.