Can’t find a man to date who is as intelligent or as knowledgeable overall as me

[TreeGreenSpade]

I know intelligence comes in many forms and can’t really be measured.

But what I mean is I am always going on dates with people who aren’t as educated as me (again I know that an education doesn’t mean you’re intelligent!), or don’t have a grip of finances or financial planning, they don’t know much about the world generally or don’t have an interest in discussing the world... or they haven’t experienced as much as me so topics are limited a little.

Or if they do have any of the above, it doesn’t seem to match me. I feel bored within an hour or so.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is this something I need to accept if I want to find a relationship?

Or they substitute "chat" with long monologues featuring only their own opinion alongside a healthy dose of mansplaining

Absolutely brilliant post, skittlesandbeer. Sadly, me too. Literally reading versus golf.

Being interesting and interested isn't a hobby, it's a deep, unchangeable personal trait. But I met a gorgeous, kind man who likes the same music, films and fashion as I do and we get along OK. I get conversation outside our relationship, and keep on keeping on for our sons sake.

“ I mean someone who is quick witted, understands nuanced references, that sort of thing”

I think this is a very specific thing, especially in this day and age. The friends with whom I can say we’re all singing from the same sheet are people I’ve known for years.

I totally hear you OP. I'm in the top 2-3% intellectually (I actually have done, and in fact write the tests) and have always struggled with finding a partner to match. I don't care if that invites sarcasm from the usually excellent @AnyFucker, it's who I am and what I need in a partner. Your post makes absolute sense to me.

Is there something you are interested in specifically? I have a very high iq but a lot of subjects bore me and I’d rather have a laugh ! If you are into art or science etc then look into joining something like a club regarding those

The two men I have had long term relationships were poles apart. The first one I was with for 28 years (met at school) and he wasn't very intellectually stimulating, he would talk to his male friends about football and golf but not engage in a conversation with me about anything of interest, we shared a sense of humour and the relationship worked for a while, then when it ended as he became physically abusive, I met another man, this relationship lasted 6 years, he was very intelligent, interesting and funny, but quite unattractive in appearance ( I didn't notice this until it kept being pointed out to me that he looked like a screwed up scarecrow among other comments!) I actually really enjoyed being with this clever, interesting man, until he used his clever lines to manipulate and put me down, I would take intelligence over looks any day, but have decided to remain single as both serious relationships turned abusive but in different ways.

Man's perspective: I spent many years looking for an intellectual (for want of a better term) woman. I met a few but ime a lot of intellectual women prefer men who are incapable of reading, analytical thought etc. In the end I gave up and had to accept that I have to try relationships with women who don't read, don't value education beyond its career-enhancing properties, etc.

I am still single so it's possible I will meet a woman who reads books but for me now the only essential is some sort of connection.

(I don't live in the UK any more btw so the above is not a long-winded means of trying to ask the OP for a date.)

I know what you mean, OP; I’m far more attracted to intelligence than to good looks myself. Give me your geeks and nerds over a pretty face any day (though a good looks would be an added bonus!) I’ve been lucky though, and managed to bag my super intelligent, handsome DH 30 years ago, when I was 20.

However, our once sparkling conversation has waned over time, and DH and I usually end up talking about the most mundane, family related things, and watching crap tv together. Our conversation rarely strays into the intellectual, and if it does, it doesn’t stay there for long.

I’m actually having more interesting and in depth discussions with our very talkative bathroom fitter at the moment, who is very knowledgeable on many subjects!

Anyway, don’t settle for someone who you don’t feel compatible with, OP. Plenty of interesting, intelligent men out there. You’ll meet one soon enough.

It's what's inside and the good character of the person is what counts over intelligence
It’s both ( and intelligence is quite insidey)

I know what you mean, OP - I don't want to date thickos either. There is nothing wrong with finding the majority of 'available' people unappealing to you - it's much better to stay single than start a relationship with someone just because they are there, when they don't really interest you and you don't have much in common.

But I agree with PP that you should try to filter them a bit more online before arranging to meet up. When you start chatting, ask them what they are interested in; start a discussion on something that matters to you etc.

It's true, hobbies in common can be a way of meeting people but that's all really, what you really want is somebody who is interested and interesting as @MorrisZapp says. It's not a hobby you can list but it is a more promising compatibility.

I've found a man who is great company, the conversation feels sparky but always respectful, affectionate, challenging, just ..right - I've learnt from him. HOWEVER. He is not some middle-class guy with a similar background that would fit seamlessly in with my friends' husbands (don't really care, been excluded from coupley stuff too long to give a shit now) but if I was just looking for a paint-by-numbers partner, he wouldn't be it. He likes football, he drinks too many pints, terrible clothes, he wears a tracksuit not to work but he wears tracksuit bottoms. If he were to meet my friends, I wouldn't be embarrassed of him , maybe anxious though, I might be more embarrassed if my friends came across too privileged. Not sure. I'm in no hurry to make introductions. But there's always a but isn't there. I envy people who have no ''..however''.

I was single for YEARS before this guy.

There are plenty of men I know like this. Can't you speak with them before going on an actual date to see if they are in your wave length? You can have chit chat but drop politics in or whatever and it's easy to see their reply.

Maybe try a different dating platform top

Change jobs and meet someone there - my husband is (almost) as smart as me and we met at work, in a nerdy job. Hated online dating!

I get you @TreeGreenSpade - someone you feel you can have a conversation with on equal terms, where you don’t feel you have to be falsely modest or dumb yourself down. Someone who challenges you back, who makes you go “I never thought of it that way!” Enough shared interests to have things in common, but different enough that they are “interesting”. Someone not threatened by you having a higher salary.

I met mine through work. He was attracted to me because I’m “feisty” apparently, and quite likes that I am a band above him because that means I’m “minted”. I think he’s lovely, but objectively neither of us are highly attractive, fashionable or “well groomed”, as per a PP. We laugh a lot together. He still has his hobbies, I have mine and there’s a large overlap in the middle where we go to gigs and theatre etc.

The only thing you may not like to hear is that I didn’t meet him until I was 40. Don’t know how old you are, but I’d given up and resigned myself to old age spinstership. I’m glad now I held out as it meant even if we hadn’t got together, I would still be a confident single, travelling and doing my thing.

My husband is insanely intelligent with a well paid job in a medical career.
Maybe look for guys in that sector?

@Grobagsforever, do you never think that maybe needing a certain kind of partner is less of a positive thing, and more of a negative one? You mention your intelligence as if that is proof that you should feel ok that you only feel able to date certain people. I don't see how it is?

For one thing, no one should ever feel bad for not being attracted to another person, and intellect has nothing to do with it.

And for another, no, sorry, the fact you feel you are very intelligent doesn't make it more acceptable that you don't feel able to relate to other people you deem less intelligent. If you genuinely don't get on with an individual, so be it. But to dismiss a whole large group of people because you find them hard to talk to? That is a limitation in you, isn't it?

Hang around tech industries!

I know loads of very intelligent men, some practically genius level, most of them are totally lovely. They are married mostly. Became popular as their status increased!

I’m with a highly intelligent man, which was a refreshing change. However I think he’d prefer it if I were less intelligent... and we are separating.

So not always a good match.

My ex thought he was intelligent and definitely wasn’t

I like intelligent conversation and not be surrounded by actual idiots. I didn’t go to university myself so I wouldn’t say I was educated as such.

I do have an unusually good memory (except for when I’m pregnant for some reason), and can recall information I have read or heard or watched quite easily.

Some people I know who have been to university are only really focused on that subject so conversation can still stall if deviating from that.

@NotaWagon I agree. Don’t just look for IQ type well paid intelligence. One of my most lively and sharp friends was a total failure at school, came from a rough as anything background, but so razor sharp he had a burning intelligence that was hard to define. He was really funny too. That takes intelligence I think.

I’ve also met doctors who don’t appear to have much intellect outside of being a doctor and tech person who didn’t have much knowledge outside of computers.

Sometimes the most intelligent people I did meet or currently know are very clever but not at all wise

Maybe it would help to rephrase the question:

Why is it that many men who are intelligent, educated, witty, interested and aware, good talkers and good listeners, stimulating, charming, financially literate, with big cocks, don't seem to be hanging around, single, spare, and looking?

Agree - following because I also have no idea where to look.

I don’t think it’s men in general, it’s online dating. But I’m long past the age of going to nightclubs. On the plus my toilet seat is always down and the chocolate is all mine....

Maybe it’s a bit intense for first date chat. First dates conversations are usually kept light and superficial not deep lengthily conversations so maybe the men you are dating stear away from anything too intense and come across as not being intelligent as you are quite specific in what you are looking for/expecting.

You seem to be looking for someone cultured rather than “intelligent”