Worst day ever. How to get over this!

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After a 2 year long relationship, my boyfriend has ended things via text.

He was previously a married man with children and has decided being with me would affect the relationship he has with his teenage kids, and they would never forgive him for being with the woman who he had left their mother for. So I do understand his reasoning.

Long story short , I am utterly devastated and feel as if I will never get over this man. I have been crying and vomiting for the last 3 days, and have had to take time off work.

I have had break ups in the past but this is just something else. I need to get over this and feel normal again, any advice/tips are so warmly welcome x

I wish there were more people like @sofato5miles on MN

@Sunshinesusie23 Seconded, re @sofato5miles

@Treesthemovie I don't really judge people for sleeping with people in relationships or marriages, it's a bit crap but really, if it wasn't them it would be someone else.

If you see a wallet dropped on the pavement, do you not judge people who nick it, rather than hand it in somewhere, because after all, someone else would do it if they don't?

How about the men who grope unconscious women? I mean, someone else will do it if they don't, right? So no judgement there.

Ditto the men who have sex with underage girls. I mean after all, a lot of those girls are completely vulnerable and will shag anyone who shows them a bit of kindness/seduces them. So no judgement there either.

Great logic.

*I think all the harsh judgements come from this kind of temptress/slut idea that women somehow make men have affairs with their magic fannies. Which is obviously bullshit, it's just that the cheater wants to shag about and saw an opportunity.

Did I miss the memo where thinking that the married person is a cheating piece of shit AND the person they cheated with is also a piece of shit is somehow impossible, because they're mutually exclusive?

Could you remind me when that was decreed? Cheers.

Don't beat yourself up over this OP, but keep in mind starting relationships with married men is a really bad idea if you want someone decent and commited.

Don't beat yourself up over this OP, but keep in mind starting relationships with married men is a really bad idea if you [are not an amoral selfish piece of shit]. FTFY hun.

The op clearly stated that the guy's marriage was finished before he lived with her - maybe in her second post. I agree it wasn't clear from her first but she put it right.

I feel very sorry for her.

@DuchessMustard um, sorry, are you comparing human beings to wallets? A person cannot be "stolen" like a wallet can be. They use their own thoughts and feelings to act.

As for the comment about rapists and men who have sex with underage girls

These things cannot be compared. A grown man chooses to sleep with a woman who is not his wife...in no way can this be compared to the woman commiting theft or raping the man. How silly.

I'm entitled to my opinion, no decree needed. I don't think it's terribly wrong. You do. Whatever 🤷🏻‍♀️

@DuchessMustard really cannot believe you are comparing married men to wallets just waiting to be stolen...proving my point

@DuchessMustard or even better, vulnerable underage girls...you really think the two can be compared. Naive married man violated by nasty slutty temptress? Hahahahaha

@Treesthemovie I'm sorry that you failed so spectacularly to understand the logic of what I was saying. Based on those responses from you, I think it would be futile for me to try to explain it again.

really cannot believe you are comparing married men to wallets just waiting to be stolen...

I don't think the comparison is about men waiting to be stolen. I think the poster was saying it about moral dilemmas.

"The op clearly stated that the guy's marriage was finished before he lived with her - maybe in her second post. I agree it wasn't clear from her first but she put it right."

Yeah. Funny how she did this after the initial comments 🙄

I dont think the pp was saying the bloke here is like a wallet waiting to be stolen.

It's quite obvious they meant that if you know someone who has done something wrong, do you not judge them because someone else would do it anyway?

You can apply that any 'wrong' act.

@duchessmustard
@Cuppachino
@msromanoff

But all of you are not understanding my point at all. I disagree that it is wrong. The person sleeping with the married person is not cheating. Therefore the whole wallet thing is totally irrelevant. Along with the disgusting rape analogy.

I am saying that it's not wrong because the married person wants to cheat and will simply do so at the first opportunity they want to take - id go so far as to say the person who has an affair with the married person is doing the partner a favour in some circumstances, as it gives them an opportunity to see their partner for what they are.

You have to prove that it is wrong and why. Not just say it's wrong!! Because wallets!

The fact that people are hurt by affairs is not an argument for who is responsible. Imo the person in the relationship takes full responsibility for not fucking other people. Maybe you disagree, but I'd like to hear the reasons why.

@Cuppachino @MsRomanoff I (genuinely) appreciate you both trying to explain the basic logic of my fairly obvious point but honestly, I think we are all on a hiding to nothing here

Dunning-Kruger effect innit.

You have to prove that itiswrong and why. Not just say it's wrong!! Because wallets!

Is it a court of law or mumsnet. You havent proved anything. You have stated an opinion.

If you choose to engage in behaviour that you know is hurting someone else, wether you know them or not, its wrong. The person in the relationship is wrong as well. It's not one or the other.

Do you really go through life, quite happily hurting other people? Because either you dont know them or didnt promise to not hurt them?

And the argument 'if it wasnt this woman it would be someone else' is ridiculous. Especially in this situation. If OP had that kind of thought, she clearly knew the relationship wasnt special and he would cheat on her at the next opportunity. If she believed that, then I am sure she wouldnt have got involved.

And since when has the fact that someone else might do something, impacted wether it's right or wrong?

You really need to get your story straight Blogger.

If you are an actual blogger, maybe check that you are writing in an unambiguous manner so you don't annoy your readers?

"IME men and women often stay for many reasons, the kids, financial, society judging, loss of social life. However, if they see the potential of love, it gives them the courage to leave. It's basic human behaviour."

This. No one here knows the circumstances. Life isn't perfect and people do stay in shit relationships for reasons other than love. I can think of a few and that's just the ones I know about.

Although I feel incredibly lucky to not have had a partner cheat on me, pull the rug from under my marriage and devastate the children, MN is full of posters that go through that and their raw pain is something I deeply empathise with. It takes some spectacularly shitty folk to brand these women as bitter bitches. I am not into hysterical scarlet letter branding of other women as such and share the sentiment that the person breaking up a marriage is the cheating partner. But when you are pursuing or are getting involved with someone who is married/in a relationship you are no innocent and made a morally objectionable choice. I doubt the woman who was left had the luxury to indulge in the sort of ridiculous amateur dramatics you described because she also had to deal with the children that quite clearly suffered from the fallout. Tough titties love! That is the price you pay for inserting yourself in someone else’s relationship. The attempts to back pedal are pathetic. The guy left his wife for you but regrets it now. Even if their relationship was failing, you were merely the match that lit that funeral pyre to their marriage. It shows some astonishing lack of self-awareness and self-centredness to come on to a site as this where so many posters open their hearts about the breakdown of their marriage and expect sympathy.

Yes own this! Sleeping with people who have partners is your choice. Expect it somewhere along the line to go sour. You know from the start you are not special enough to have fidelity.

I’m sure it feels shitty but this man was in his way honest from the start. You may have deluded yourself otherwise but who is to blame for that?. The way you start out is most often the way it ends.

You will either get over it or moon over the loss forever. Truthfully it’s not the loss you think. It’s just the scales falling from your eyes.

‘You are not special enough to have fidelity’ - Wtf?

I cannot believe some people are on here to bitter-rant at the OP like that.

What? Sleeping with someone who has a partner is just that. You are accepting a lot less than you should. If you are the OW then that is your lot. You start out sharing, you are likely to end sharing too.

Either don’t share or do and accept the risk.

@PersonaNonGarter ‘You are not special enough to have fidelity’ - Wtf? confused

Why are you confused? It's totally obvious what @LexMitior meant, & also totally obvious that he/she is correct.

I cannot believe some people are on here to bitter-rant at the OP like that.

Ooh, what is 'bitter-ranting'? This is a new one. I mean 'bitter' has been overused about as much as 'pearl clutching'. Glad to see the clichemongers are branching out

The op said she was not the OW or involved in breaking up the man's marriage; I don't think she'd lie about that on here, what would be the point?

It's more than likely the guy was less than honest with her but there's not much she can do about that now.

I feel very sorry for her, she is desperately hurt. Yes it will pass but it may take some time and it's horrible going through it.

I hope he leaves you alone. It may seem harsh but it’s the best thing for you. I’m not saying it will be easy either way but if he was to-ing and fro-ing for another two years then you would have wasted your time and be more involved.

Let him go. He’s either going back to his wife or there’s another woman again. Let them have him. Without a doubt he will hurt them x

@Bluerussian The OP clearly stated that this guy left his wife for her. That makes her the OW. She then tried to back pedal because she wasn't getting all the 'there, there' she wanted. It's like setting fire to someone's house and then wanting sympathy for burning their hand FFS!