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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Worst day ever. How to get over this!

178 replies

Blogger373 · 18/11/2019 20:05

After a 2 year long relationship, my boyfriend has ended things via text.

He was previously a married man with children and has decided being with me would affect the relationship he has with his teenage kids, and they would never forgive him for being with the woman who he had left their mother for. So I do understand his reasoning.

Long story short , I am utterly devastated and feel as if I will never get over this man. I have been crying and vomiting for the last 3 days, and have had to take time off work.

I have had break ups in the past but this is just something else. I need to get over this and feel normal again, any advice/tips are so warmly welcome x

OP posts:
pemberleypearl · 18/11/2019 20:51

Gosh people are being really mean to you OP. Not excusing an affair but that at the end of the day he has still hurt you and you're entitled to feel upset. As others have said try distracting yourself for now. Have you got a good friendship group?

MadnessInMethod · 18/11/2019 20:52

Yeah it's shit.

Could be worse, he could have left you with 2 children for another woman.

You'll get over it.

Bluntness100 · 18/11/2019 20:53

Venus, why are you addressing your post to me? Did you get thr wrong poster?

ISawyouinTescoyesterday · 18/11/2019 20:55

This happened to my sister. I'm wondering if you have dated the same man. He knew she wanted to settle and she met the kids. He then dumped her. Sad

doublebarrellednurse · 18/11/2019 20:59

Yeah it's not uncommon for a man who left his wife for something new and shiny to regret his decision when the reality of having to chose between his kids and his girlfriend comes to a head.

Lesson learnt. Move on. Find someone who is single.

Saranvenya · 18/11/2019 21:04

TBF he left his wife and family what did you expect? He'd already proved he wasn't trustworthy, kind or a nice man, he was a lair and a cheat with no conscience.
So lick your wounds and be thankful you didn't have children or marry him and when you've healed remeber that when you start a relationship to start it with someone who is kind and honest, someone who isn't married or in a relationship, learn from this.

speakout · 18/11/2019 21:06

OP I know it hurts, but in time you will see that you have dodged a bullet.

No decent man cheats on his wife.

RB68 · 18/11/2019 21:07

In terms of coping, rationally analyse his behaviour here, pull it apart and ask yourself does he even know what love is - for me your reaction is not from love but obsession - it comes from an unhealthy space.

How do you recover - one step at a time, one day one event one meal etc etc. So focus on the short term - it is like a grieving process so be kind to yourself, start with a hot bath and early night, dry toast if you are struggling to eat or plain biscuit. A good sleep or a few good sleeps. Think about what you can do to focus on something else - are there a few pounds you want to loose, exercise regime etc. Keep going one little bit leads to another. If you need it get the GP to help you break it down and maybe even a sick note of some sort to power through the first part without involving work.

Grumpelstilskin · 18/11/2019 21:07

Tough but I wonder how his wife felt when her marriage and dreams might have been shattered. It might help you to learn some empathy for the injured party in future before you get involved with someone partnered up. Cannot muster much sympathy.

Its13oclock · 18/11/2019 21:07

It’s taken him 2 years to decide his actions may have upset his children. Have you been a secret up until now.?

AfterSchoolWorry · 18/11/2019 21:08

Well. What goes around....

LonginesPrime · 18/11/2019 21:08

No offence, OP, but if your worst day ever is getting dumped, you're doing pretty well.

It will obviously take time to heal, but you'll feel better and be able to move on eventually.

SoupDragon · 18/11/2019 21:15

Well, the worst day of my life was when my ex left me to go shag another woman so I'm not feeling much sympathy.

fit4more · 18/11/2019 21:16

Let this be a warning. Leave married men alone. Seriously. Why would you do that to yourself? They aren’t trustworthy (obviously!), they’re cowards, they’re emotionally deficient and are flighty. This was always going to happen. You were shiny and new. Now you’re not. You’ve been used. Please tell me you won’t muck around with somebody else’s bloke again. They really need to be teaching this stuff in school to teenage girls!
You got played. You’ve now got to use this opportunity to build a better life for yourself. Pick your self respect and dignity off the floor and start rebuilding your life. He finished by text. After 2 years! He’s vile and a piece of shit. Find your inner anger for gods sakes! Stop crying over this vermin. Resolve to NOT take him back into your bed when he tries to shag you again. Find yourself somebody who is truly available

SpideySenses99 · 18/11/2019 21:18

A break up is always 1000% worse when you dont agree with it. When a relationship breaks down over time its much easier when the end comes.

As other PPs have said, time and no contact are a healer.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/11/2019 21:27

Personally, I think you should be thanking your lucky stars that he's gone. Statistically speaking, cheaters always cheat and even if he had continued your relationship eventually he would have cheated on you, too. Much better for it to end now when you aren't married and you don't have children together. You know, like him and his WIFE do?

elizalovelace · 18/11/2019 21:32

In future get some dignity, set your bar higher and only ever date single men. There are plenty of them out there!

PorpentinaScamander · 18/11/2019 21:33

Sounds like a lucky escape but it won't feel like that at the moment.

Take it one day at a time. Baby steps. Be kind to yourself. (Not that I condone the affair). One day you'll see that this was for the best.

returnofthecat · 18/11/2019 21:41

You're getting a rough ride of it here - but you're not the one who made marriage vows. Women spend far too much time blaming women... But I digress.

It doesn't matter how shitty the person who dumped you is, getting dumped hurts. Your feelings are valid, no matter what some of the posters here would have you believe.

What I would point out is that you're still making excuses for this man - 'he was right to leave you because of his children.' It's not your job to justify his actions - that's his job. You don't have to adjust the narrative so his story paints him as a good guy - you do not owe this man anything! He had an affair whilst married - he hurt his wife, he hurt his kids, and now, adding to the list of people he's hurt, he's hurt you. You don't have to make him feel better, you only have to focus on you.

You've spent 3 days crying - I bet he isn't nearly as upset as you are. Continuing to cry is giving him your power - he doesn't deserve it. It's tough to pick yourself back up after feeling so devastated, but I promise you, you can. And you can do a damn sight better than someone with so little regard for other people's feelings - you deserve more than someone who is only partially available on his own terms.

It feels like you'll never get over this, but you will. Dig deep, somewhere deep down you believe that too.

Greencustard · 18/11/2019 21:41

OP I know it hurts, but in time you will see that you have dodged a bullet

No decent man cheats on his wife

Very true, and no decent woman takes up with a married man.

Fairenuff · 18/11/2019 21:42

I never understand how women can trust a man who is cheating on his wife with them. And then they are surprised that he leaves them when he just left his wife for them. Can you really not tell his character from his behaviour?

And bollocks is he doing it for his kids. He's moved on to another woman.

Eckhart · 18/11/2019 21:44

Small steps OP. It is just going to feel bad, you have to wait and wait and it'll get better.

In the meantime, let yourself cry but don't isolate yourself. Keep trying to think what the most confident, ballsy person you can imagine would do; they wouldn't let this get them down; fuck him; he's crap; they'd know they could do much better. Then do an impression of that person as much as you can. And remember anything at all bad that you can think of about him. Snore? Suck his teeth? Leave the toilet seat up? Have affairs? Focus on this.

He's not your ideal guy, however much this hurts.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 18/11/2019 21:44

Sorry got no sympathy op.

Greencustard · 18/11/2019 21:45

I never understand how women can trust a man who is cheating on his wife with them. And then they are surprised that he leaves them when he just left his wife for them

Because they're either so naive or arrogant(I'll go with arrogant) enough to believe that they're 'different and special' and he'd never do it to them.

CatEyeliner · 18/11/2019 21:47

The odds were always against you OP.
It’s not surprising and you were instrumental to his kids family falling apart.
If this was your worst day ever, you must have a great life