Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Worst day ever. How to get over this!

178 replies

Blogger373 · 18/11/2019 20:05

After a 2 year long relationship, my boyfriend has ended things via text.

He was previously a married man with children and has decided being with me would affect the relationship he has with his teenage kids, and they would never forgive him for being with the woman who he had left their mother for. So I do understand his reasoning.

Long story short , I am utterly devastated and feel as if I will never get over this man. I have been crying and vomiting for the last 3 days, and have had to take time off work.

I have had break ups in the past but this is just something else. I need to get over this and feel normal again, any advice/tips are so warmly welcome x

OP posts:
Derbee · 19/11/2019 00:20

What you’ll realise OP, is that when a man is an absolute cunt that cheats in his wife and tears his kids family apart, he’s never a good guy in the end.

The woman he uses as a distraction, and a crutch to leave his wife is not often the woman he then makes a life with. You’ve been used. It’s shit and it’s hurtful.

But it could be a lot worse. He could’ve done this to you after. Marriage and 2 children.

yasle · 19/11/2019 00:22

I agree that it’s an excuse. He didn’t give a shit about breaking to his family 2 yrs ago. Even if he had a change of heart, it’d make no difference to his kids.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/11/2019 00:43

Sorry let me clarify, he ended his marriage before we started a relationship.

So, was he separated from his wife before he met you or did he leave his wife in order to begin a relationship with you?

Greencustard · 19/11/2019 00:59

The reply was in reference to a comment that suggested what happened here is always what happens. It's utter nonsense as many second marriages go the distance

Have you got your threads mixed up? This thread isn't about 2nd marriages. No-one has said 2nd marriages don't work, how odd.

Dogladyxo · 19/11/2019 02:22

LOL

MsRomanoff · 19/11/2019 05:04

I think OP means they had an 'emotional affair', she probably used the line 'I wont shag you til you leave her', or similar. So he left his wife.

Many ow/om think they are doing the honourable thing by using that line. Imo they arent. But he has left, had some fun with OP and (probably) gone back to his wife. She says the relationship is 2 years, I bet he left his wife alot less than 2 years ago.

Palaver1 · 19/11/2019 06:17

What do you expect people to say .....
You’ll get over this in time.Let this be a wake up call.Do NOT let him back surely you must have seen this coming.
You will hopefully find your own man .

wishywashy27 · 19/11/2019 06:24

Am i missing something here? Everyone is jumping on the OP for cheating but at no point does she mention an affair in her post? 'Leaving his wife for another woman' doesn't necessarily mean an affair. He might not have been happy and ended his marriage before starting a relationship with the op and his kids probably would have accepted her as the new woman.

MN at its finest here, kicking someone while they're down.

FenellaMaxwell · 19/11/2019 06:27

So he’s treated you as badly as he treated his wife. This isn’t remotely the worst day ever, it’s a lucky escape.

MsRomanoff · 19/11/2019 06:33

@wishywashy27 are you suggesting that OP met this prick and he left his wife, for her with no involvement from her.

You believe there was no contact that crossed the line? No talks about about it, no emotional involvement, no texting, secret meet ups etc.

If that was the case she would be the woman he left his wife for, would she.

This is why people feel strongly that emotional affairs are just as bad as physical ones. Often before it becomes physical, there is a long trail of inappropriate behaviour, lies, disrespect of their partner.

I very much doubt he met her, nothing happen. He left his wife and ran to her to declare his love for her, completely out of the blue, and she felt the same. She felt so strongly, she thought it was a great idea to get seriously involved with a man who just left his wife, rather than taking things slowly? But still calls herself the woman he left his wife for?

Really?

Windmillwhirl · 19/11/2019 06:34

Have you got your threads mixed up? This thread isn't about 2nd marriages. No-one has said 2nd marriages don't work, how odd.

It's not odd, second relationships can lead to marriage. Long lasting relationships often result in marriage.

Your comment that all people that cheat end up leaving their cheating partner was the point I picked up on and remains. What is odd is inferring that none of them last as that's a gross generalisation and false. You only have to read these boards to know that!

Yes, this relationship did not work out, but you are failing to factor in those that do.

sofato5miles · 19/11/2019 06:37

The advice is to leave a marriage before you start another relationship. BUT this guy did that and OP is still deserving or a kicking it seems. Some marriages are shit and people either leave them or suffer them.

OP, my advice is to go completely no contact. Go to drs if you need help to sleep.
Block, block, block so your phone does not become the enemy.

Give yourself three months before you expect to feel better and fill your life with distractions. Sport would be a very good one.

MsRomanoff · 19/11/2019 06:43

The advice is to leave a marriage before you start another relationship. BUT this guy did that and OP is still deserving or a kicking it seems. Some marriages are shit and people either leave them or suffer them.

Yes leave and give everyone sometime to get used to it.

Not leave and jump straight in bed you have spent the last few months setting up for your next shag.

OP clearly says he left his wife for hee. So either, that's not quite right but she likes the title. Or she is fully aware that they crossed the line before.

She knew he was the type to not deal with situations well. To leave his wife for someone else. That he isnt bothered about dropping someone and taking up with someone else the minute his head gets turned.

OP knew this.

How do you know his marriage was shit?

If it was, he could have left before he was sure he had someone to shag waiting for him.

fartingrainbows · 19/11/2019 06:45

It hurts like hell and I'm sorry you're going through it. It might help to remember that this is the worst you are going to feel and every day will get a little bit easier. You will feel normal again and you will (probably) fall in love again.
The only thing I would say is, try to see him for who he really is. He cheated on his wife and kids so is not some sort of a saint. Don't be tempted to put him on a pedestal. Remind yourself of all the things that you disliked about him and eventually you'll start thinking that you had a lucky escape. Also, please block him from your life and move forward. Don't let him dangle the prospect of getting back together in front of you..... this will prolong the pain. Stay strong Op this will pass.

Lilyflower1 · 19/11/2019 06:48

OP, this man’s wife needs to know before he destroys the next girl’s life too.

sofato5miles · 19/11/2019 06:54

How do you know the marriage wasn't shit? It was bad enough for him to want to leave.

IME men and women often stay for many reasons, the kids, financial, society judging, loss of social life. However, if they see the potential of love, it gives them the courage to leave. It's basic human behaviour.

I have seen some awful messes due to this but that just reiterates that it is not uncommon. The people who judge the most though, are the ones that are scared it will happen to them

wishywashy27 · 19/11/2019 07:30

@MsRomanoff I think you're making some massive assumptions based on what the op has said. I've never seen a thread so become so derailed tbh.

You have no idea of the actual circumstances based on the small amount that the op has said but you've chosen to create a scenario where she is the other woman and proceeded to give her a good kicking at a time when she's already said how down she is. If she'd confirmed that there'd been an affair then it might be more warranted but as it stands it's just presumptions and nastiness.

BetterAlone · 19/11/2019 07:38

What sofato5miles said 👍

SoupDragon · 19/11/2019 07:45

It was bad enough for him to want to leave.

Not necessarily. Perhaps he just wanted to shag other women. And "left their mother for" could easily mean "was thrown out on his sorry arse"

ukgift2016 · 19/11/2019 07:45

Boo booHmm

MsRomanoff · 19/11/2019 07:57

You have no idea of the actual circumstances based on the small amount that the op has said but you've chosen to create a scenario where she is the other woman and proceeded to give her a good kicking at a time when she's already said how down she is. If she'd confirmed that there'd been an affair then it might be more warranted but as it stands it's just presumptions and nastiness.

Give over.

She says he left his wife for her. So you believe nothing crossed the line?

The knots you are tying yourself into to justify the affair is quite laughable.

She did confirm left for her.

I actually said in my first post that its nir nice to be treated like that. But op knowingly put herself in a situation where the bloke has history of behaving poorly
She isnt a victim. She is an active participant in the situation she finds herself in.

Greencustard · 19/11/2019 07:57

Your comment that all people that cheat end up leaving their cheating partner was the point I picked up on and remains

Why are you making up lies? Show me where my comment that says that! For someone who claims they weren't the other woman, you sure are projecting like one.

NotaWagon · 19/11/2019 08:00

Not ever wife who is cheated on is devastated. Oh know a few who felt they had a reason to hang all of their unlabelled unhappiness on after a straightforward infidelity. Men often want to cheat and stay married so cheating AND leaving does to me (living in the real world) suggest that the marriage wasn't necessarily great. It's such a bullshit narrative to assume that the ''deserted wife'' is always, always a victim. She may well have a job, rights, her own reasons to be glad the marriage is over!

It's like reading something from The Victorian Vapours here.

Windmillwhirl · 19/11/2019 08:16

greencustard you clearly state that those cheat and leave their partners and all is rosy are few and far between. Well, yes, there is rarely no hurt at all. I agree on that. But affairs where someone is left devastated because a partner moves on, seems happy and remarries is not uncommon at all.

You also state that the ow are always naive or arrogant (you went with arrogant) enough to believe they are different. A generalised statement for why the op and others in affairs don't work out. Is that not your basis for affairs not working out? I took from your posts that they are all doomed. Perhaps you did not mean that at all but it came across that way.

I've never had an affair nor intend to, you are welcome however to think what you like.

Many affairs work out, they are not few and far between at all. The pain and fallout is usually horrendous, but that's life, it happens.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/11/2019 08:19

Sorry OP but no man leaves a wife for a relationship he hasn’t started!
He’s also ended the relationship because he wants to be single- I guess if he wanted to be tied down he’d be with his wife.
You will get over it!