Worst day ever. How to get over this!

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After a 2 year long relationship, my boyfriend has ended things via text.

He was previously a married man with children and has decided being with me would affect the relationship he has with his teenage kids, and they would never forgive him for being with the woman who he had left their mother for. So I do understand his reasoning.

Long story short , I am utterly devastated and feel as if I will never get over this man. I have been crying and vomiting for the last 3 days, and have had to take time off work.

I have had break ups in the past but this is just something else. I need to get over this and feel normal again, any advice/tips are so warmly welcome x

's such a bullshit narrative to assume that the ''deserted wife'' is always, always a victim. She may well have a job, rights, her own reasons to be glad the marriage is over!

What the hell has having a job got to do with it? A wife can only be roast hee husband fucked off if she financially relies on him?

The wife might be happy? I think theres a bigger chance she wasn't.

Time. All you need is time. Every day it will get a tiny bit better. Sometimes so inconceivably small you won't notice it, but you will be slightly better than yesterday. Until then FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT. If your brain tells you to feel dreadful, tell it you feel fine. Repeat as necessary. Go into work asap. Dwell as little as possible.

God there are some fucking bitches on this thread! You must all live such wholesome and morally perfect lives!
Sadly you're still bitches!!!

The husband had an obligation to his wife, the OP didn't

OP it will get better x

Hang on. Crying and vomiting???

OP, are you...

DUH DUH DUHHHHHHH

PREGNANT??!?!??!?

So to say all marriages like this are doomed to failure is wishful thinking on the part of ex wives

61% of this survey went back to their wives/existing relationship (yougov)

https://d25d2506sfb94s.cloudfront.net/cumulusuploads/document/hnkaqncwlu/SunResultss150518affairssW.pdf

In this article 70%

www.google.com/amp/s/metro.co.uk/2018/01/10/can-affair-ever-become-healthy-relationship-7214164/amp/

So not all wishful thinking. A side point though.

OP you may feel some compassion for his wife and kids now, that may be factoring in to your feelings of grief.

You've had YOUR world turned upside down now and like them you need to process that, his and your decision making and then find a way to move forward and learn lessons.

This really isn't the end of the world and you'll move on realising that good guys don't leave marriages which have been around for enough time to have adult kids for other people. They leave for other reasons (sometimes just that they are bored and selfish and need some entertainment) but he didn't leave for you.

Like I said before learn that being part of the destruction of one life often means you'll feel similar down the line.

@sofato5miles Very very true. Some of my best friends are in absolutely dire relationships, no love or respect left. They are tied by kids and finances and I hope one day they will be brave enough to leave.

@MsRomanoff I'm not trying to justify anything. I'm clearly not quite as invested in this as you....

The fact is you're making assumptions. Never had the word 'affair' being used by the op. If he was willing to leave his wife then the marriage was obviously shit anyway. Rather that than him have an affair which nobody here would justify. You sound very bitter. I just don't feel all this vitriol is particularly helpful when it's based on assumption not fact.

FWIW my dp had an ex who was utterly vile and abusive to him. We became friends during their relationship and after they split we got together. I can honestly say no lines were crossed while they were still together but she and her family still paint me as the other woman. It's not as cut and dry as it looks to an outsider - hence assumptions are stupid.

God there are some fucking bitches on this thread! You must all live such wholesome and morally perfect lives! Sadly you're still bitches!!!

Pot, kettle?

No I dont live wholesome life. But I do draw the line at getting involved, at all, with men who are already with someone.

Of course the husband had an obligation to his wife. But I dont agree that it's ok, to be party to it and go 'ah well I am not married to her' its basic human decency to not screw others over.

Is that how you live? 'I want to do this, it will hurt someone else but I dont know them...so tough'

Of course the husband is more wrong. Doesnt make op innocent.

Buts that not really the point. OP knew and chose to get involved with someone dodgy. She was fully aware of the situation or what he waa like and chose to involve herself.

She isnt a victim, she is an active participant. Hopefully she will realise it's not as bad as it seems, move on and not get involved in this sort of situation again. For at the very least her own sake.

Windmillwhirl

It's not odd, second relationships can lead to marriage. Long lasting relationships often result in marriage

Maybe if you stopped dressing affairs up as 'second relationships' there would be no confusion.

You also state that the ow are always naive or arrogant (you went with arrogant) enough to believe they are different. A generalised statement for why the op and others in affairs don't work out

The arrogant/naive comment was in reply to the comment below and I stand by it. OP is in bits because she arrogantly or naively thought the cheating man would never do the same to her as he did to his wife. Doesn't quite fit your narrative does it?

I never understand how women can trust a man who is cheating on his wife with them. And then they are surprised that he leaves them when he just left his wife for them

Sunshinesusie23 you clearly are invested.

Do you describe yourself as the woman your do left his wife for?

's such a bullshit narrative to assume that the ''deserted wife'' is always, always a victim. She may well have a job, rights, her own reasons to be glad the marriage is over!

What about the kids?

Well it's not black and white isn't it? I met my DH when we were both in our late twenties and he was living together with another woman (not married, no kids) and he left her to be with me. This was over 20 years ago. Was that ok because they were not married or there were no children? Sometimes relationships are no longer working but they continue out of inertia and it's only when we meet somebody that we find the impetus to move on. OP I am really sorry this happened to you.

I meant second relationship when the separation has occured as in the case of this situation with the op, just for clarity, not when it is an affair. The op was in a two-year relationship.

I stand by my comment that not everyone that has an affair is arrogant or naive, plenty of affairs go the distance and result in marriage and lifelong unions. Of course some fail, trust is not easy to have after an affair, and I absolutely would not trust s man that could cheat, but clearly many people that have affairs work through it.

I meant second relationship when the separation has occured as in the case of this situation with the op, just for clarity, not when it is an affair. The op was in a two-year relationship

Oh come off it. So why are you getting involved in comments that are clearly talking about AFFAIRS and confusing matters? And you have no idea if the OPs ex cheating partner was separated before they met. Plenty of people delude themselves that 'nothing happened' before they actually get together. They don't seem to think that the sneaking about and sneaky phone calls and texts etc. are all part of the deceit of an affair. Affairs don't start with sex you know.

Thank god for @sofato5smiles on this thread. Not nearly enough circumstances disclosed for the amount of judgment that is being dished out here, and yes a lot of bitter ex wives. I'm going to focus on OPs feelings since the ex wife is not here, this is not her thread, and other people are allowed to feel pain.

OP, I don't know how much involvement you had with the kids during your relationship, but in all honesty with rose tinted glasses removed, a relationship that involves three hormonal teenagers (that don't like you on principle) would have been horrendous long term and you would have spent your whole life sacrificing and putting up with things that make your life miserable to accommodate them. It is so much worse than you expect when you get involved with someone with children, it's so hard to explain to someone in the early stages but unless you are with someone with a very high level of respect for your feelings (evidently not your partner given the way he ended things) you will be put down time after time and look back and realise how much of your life and happiness you've had to give up, and it's really not worth it when there are so many men out there who don't come with children and won't complicate your life like that.

You've had a lucky escape and now have the chance live a life where you are aren't the scapegoat for someone else's parental failings and expected to be ok with it - you can find a relationship where your feelings are considered to matter, because the whole lot of them would have treated you like crap and you would have had no support other than people saying "his kids come first" and "you knew what you were getting yourself into", and of course the ultimate jem, "what about how his ex wife felt."

I'm being brutally honest here, but you have just been spared all of that, and your life will be so much better for it. Just keep moving forward, and avoid men with children like the plague.

@aSofaNearYou Thank god for @sofato5smiles on this thread. Not nearly enough circumstances disclosed for the amount of judgment that is being dished out here, and yes a lot of bitter ex wives.

It's so bizarre the way this gets trotted out with tedious regularity on every one of these threads.

It's quite frightening that there are people who cannot imagine that others might find certain actions wrong unless they have some personal reason to feel that way.

Do you think that people can only object to murder because they're 'bitter about their relatives being killed'?

Or that the only people who think stealing is wrong are those who have been burgled/robbed?

It might seem alien to you, but there are many people (a majority perhaps) who don't like cheating, selfishness, callousness & treating others like shit just because those are bad things to do.

(And for the avoidance of any remaining doubt, I'm not a bitter ex-wife. I'm not an ex-wife at all.)

P.S. 'Bitter' is such a shitty misogynist term.

Oh come off it. So why are you getting involved in comments that are clearly talking about AFFAIRS and confusing matters

What? The op was talking about her relationship that most presume started as an affair. She was talking about a two year relationship where she was with this man and him alone and vice versa. Please don't tell me what I meant. If it wasn't clear I apologise for that, although affair and relationship are quite clear terms to me. Do for clarity, by second relationship I am referring to the one the person that is married and cheating moves on to, that may have longevity and lead to marriage, not the secret affair he/she is having.

@DuchessMustard I'm well aware that some will not have personal experience of it, but it is not unreasonable to say that many who have commented do because they have explicitly mentioned it.

The comments from the other side are equally predictable. There is absolutely no mention in the OP of what lead to the breakdown in the marriage or how OP conducted herself and yet the comments are instantly cruel and focused entirely on the wife's feelings. For all we knew the wife was horribly abusive and all OP did was give her ex the confidence to see it. Could have been the other way around, both are equally likely but we don't know either way and yet the comments are as predictable as ever because obviously nobody has ever left a marriage for a good reason and we should jump to conclusions and beat people down without knowing what happened.

The opportunity for moral grandstanding, when the OP is clearly in distress is something I just don't get. I really don't.

She is clearly in pain, he ended a two year relationship by text. And the fear of losing his children is valid. If she had not mentioned that he had left his wife, OP's pain would be recognised. She didn't post on here for fun but was reaching out in desperation.

The callousness and disregard that comes from being behind a keyboard upsets me. In RL, I try not to judge and so too on here. Because this type of shit happens, everywhere and always will. Shouting about it to strangers does not stop it.

People have breakdowns, even kill themselves over it. Deserted wives and husbands, OW and OM. I firmly believe that a kind word, a ear to listen and a hand to hold for all is so much more constructive. Many, many relationships breakdown for many, many reasons.

You cannot stamp out people leaving unhappy marriages or even infidelity.

The opportunity for moral grandstanding, when the OP is clearly in distress is something I just don't get. I really don't.

Maybe because if you play with fire, you can’t really cry and vomit for days when you get burnt.

And before I’m accused of being a bitter ex wife, I’m not. I just think it’s disingenuous to pretend that a man would leave his wife for a woman he has no relationship with.

@MozzchopsThirty is more the advice that the OP will be looking for. Someone who sounds like she’s had an affair with a married man, and is blameless because it’s not them that’s got a commitment to a marriage 🙄

I think you should always stick by your morals, and morally, whoever you are, weather you go on to be together forever and happy, if you had an affair or sleep with someone in a relationship knowing they were, I judge you, it goes fully against my morals and it is incredibly low. Why shouldn’t you stick by something you believe in just because they are in pain now. I’m sorry for her pain, but that doesn’t take away my judgment of the situation

I don't really judge people for sleeping with people in relationships or marriages, it's a bit crap but really, if it wasn't them it would be someone else. I think all the harsh judgements come from this kind of temptress/slut idea that women somehow make men have affairs with their magic fannies. Which is obviously bullshit, it's just that the cheater wants to shag about and saw an opportunity. Don't beat yourself up over this OP, but keep in mind starting relationships with married men is a really bad idea if you want someone decent and commited.

It's not surprising that the man who cheated on his wife with you is now dumping you so callously. He just seems the type. In time, after all the hurt has passed, you'll probably feel like you've had a lucky escape.

"I think all the harsh judgements come from this kind of temptress/slut idea that women somehow make men have affairs with their magic fannies. Which is obviously bullshit, it's just that the cheater wants to shag about and saw an opportunity."

^^
This, declared by Moses on top of Mount Sinai on stone tablets!

My husband had an affair with someone when we had been married 13 years. I don't know if it was physical before I found out (highly likely) but even if it wasn't, it was an affair.

He broke up with her a few weeks ago and in the past few days I have found out he is seeing someone else already...doesn't' take a genius to work out there was some overlap. The ex didn't have kids, was younger and more 'free' but turns out they were the things that led to the break up as after the novelty wore off, the reality set in that their lives were just too different. His new gf is older than us and has a child. Much safer option for him.

In all honesty, I hope the ex is distraught and feels a little bit of what I felt when I read their messages to each other and mine and our kids lives were turned upside down. I had to console two sobbing children without telling them their cock of a father had had an affair because they were too young to understand. That was the worst day of my life.