Dating thread 174 - where we remind everyone of rule no.13

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Sunshineandflipflops your ex is a twat!! I was annoyed my ex introduced his gf after a year together, just because they are small and I didn't want them to know anything more than mummy and daddy. Immediately they started asking after her whenever he facetimed them so I just looked for the positives somehow. Yet within 2 months, the relationship was over.

*from

@Eesha I managed to get him to wait 6 months before he introduced them to the OW but I obviously didn't want them to have anything to do with her ever.

He tried to tell me that they went bowling and she and her dd happened to be there and he didn't plan it. Obviously I am stupid.

@shitwithsugaron Maybe you have some thinking to do then. I know logistics and kids make things difficult but that aside, he should want to see you as often as he can x

Ok I’m in on this thread, name change fresh start
Have been feeling like I’m kidding myself that I don’t miss sex and company after a very long, boring dull weekend again

Anyway I downloaded 4 dating apps and am all go on them all. It is hard work investing in them all. Got asked out on a date this evening but he is so so pushy to get me to message him (without actually having a convo with me) and I have been put off by it so I am going to cancel

I am happy to move to meeting quickly but then I don’t think it needs lots of emojis after we already agreed it and he’s not being humorous or interesting in any way

His reply to you was needlessly defensive, I think. And a bit unkind.

I think there could have been a less defensive way of saying that. Something along the lines of that he misses you too and had this not have happened he would be with you in a flash. It's not just tonight though, is it? It's the other days/nights that have dwindled and the lack of understanding in other areas.

@shitwithsugar on - I don't think one evening a week together, especially if kids are around is sustainable in the long term if you're looking to move things forward. MrAbs and I always saw each other on a Tuesday night and every other weekend - we were both kid juggling so time was limited anyway. He then took up another gym class on a Tuesday night - the writing was on the wall then I suppose and he admitted after we split up he dumped me if he'd really had the feels for me he wouldn't have started that particular class - that stung a bit, because I wanted to spend more time with him than he did with me ! But I guess what I really mean is if someone really wants to see you then you are a priority and yes, other things crop up sometimes but if you have a regular night that is your night together, those other things should be the exception rather than the rule - we really need a shrugging shoulder emoji on the desktop site!

He can say what he likes but you know how you feel about how things are and how you feel is valid, whether he agrees or not.

Mr Ad goes to a lot of AA meetings, which means we spend less time together than we could but I know that without AA there would be no relationship so that's something I can live with.

I posted a bit on the previous thread, and thank you all for your advice. I'm following along too, but I never feel like I've got enough experience add to the discussion!

Anyway, I have another question. I'm still dating the same person from before (I should probably name them). I used to initiate most of the messaging, but since having sex on our last date he suddenly seems a lot more keen and is messaging most days.

The thing I want to ask is if it's ok to continue seeing someone when you think that they are much more keen than you are. I'm very short of time and overcommitted in my life (not entirely sure why I started dating again). I couldn't commit to a proper relationship at the moment, but I guess as long as we are both ok with that then it's fine?

Also, from what I know, he's not someone I'd want a real committed relationship with. We have lots of interests in common, get on well, have loads to talk about and the sex is good. But, from things he's said I know we wouldn't work as a committed couple. Is it still ok to keep on with seeing each other infrequently to date and sleep together when I have no intentions of it ever going further?

If you think it's best to talk about this openly together, how do I do that without being offensive?

aspie it sounds like a friends with benefits FWB situation - as recent posts show, this sounds good on paper but is as fraught with potential difficulties as any relationship. You do have to be honest

@AspieDating sounds like my situation which is an exclusive FWB. I know my FWB isn't 100% mentally stable and never ever has any disposable income. It sounds superficial but I couldn't settle down with someone like that as I'm in a totally different position. However we get on brilliantly and he makes me feel great and vice versa. I think if the conversation arose, then I'd be honest but he always says to live in the moment anyway so I'm going with that approach.

I would tell him but not the part where it’s due to him not being the right person. You can say I’m having fun with you but I’m not in a position for a serious relationship. You may change your mind anyway

Checking in from afar...Am away on hoilday..

On subject of sex .. Glad its not just me that's missing sex ..Did the most random thing ever and booked a htl for a hook up a while back.. Such a great night.. Ge suggested FWB which suits me fine ...As long as itis wrapped and u both knowj the score I don't have a problem with it..

Apologies banghead i think i just sent you eleventybillion PMs

@Sunshineandflipflops sounds like he can’t see past the end of his own nose... or something.

@TimeTravellingDiamond how are you doing? It’s really hard to be strong when your feelings are all over the place.

I’m early days with new chap, Mr Flowers. Very kind, generous and seems genuine... however 2 niggles.

1. I specified no smokers. Turns out he vapes. Not into that at all and slightly miffed about it.
2. When not vaping chews gum. While out for a few drinks last night he chewed gum the whole night and I kept getting whiffs of mint which was weirdly off-putting when drinking beer and made me feel a bit queasy.

Am I being picky?

I'm chatting with someone, seems lovely, has just joined, but lives over 100 miles away.

Why are the nice ones never nearby!

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking can't see the full profile , just the pic but you look great! x

Hey all

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking definitely try young men on POF - I am 52 and I got tons of twenty somethings after a shag in my brief time on there. One had the memorable name 'TomCougarHunter' and I almost met him because I admired him being so upfront and it made me laugh! But not for me in the end. I am not looking for hookups so no idea what happened with this guy last night, I actually had nothing to say to him, we have zero in common and I don't want to date him but my God I have never fancied anyone as much. He is my age but has the body of my (much, much younger) PT and a really handsome face and just radiates sex basically. It's almost cartoonish. Anyway, we will see, I am very time poor and he may go off the boil before I get round to seeing him again. And imagine it will have to be a hotel, don't want to go to his house and can't have him at mine with DD ...

@Sunshineandflipflops ugh to your ex! One reason it took me so long to even go on the apps was consideration of my kids, though my ex hooked up with someone straight away. I would never introduce them to someone unless it was quite long term and serious. Dick.

@shitwithsugaron are you going to speak to Mr B about not seeing each other as much as you would like? Hope you sort it x

Well, night in with both my kids tonight so need a cold bath really! Hope you are all having a good day x

@khaleesiTargaryen - no, not picky. You were specific about things you don't like and he dies them. He's probably not for you in that case.

Oh @shitwithsugaron. I'm sorry that MrB still isn't prioritizing you/your relationship. I agree that you have some thinking to do.

I know this is very much a looking in from the outside (through a blizzard) opinion, but it does appear that every time you talk to him about something that's upset you, he manages to turn it round so that it becomes a problem with you rather than with his behavior. But, from here, it does look quite a lot like he wants you when you're convenient (and getting upset is not convenient) and just ignores or leaves you be when you're not.

You've kind of got into a pattern where you have a legitimate complaint about him just not giving you any thought and he turns it into a you needing to get help or not being supportive. And often in a way that makes it impossible for you to explain your point. yes, he's had some difficult circumstances with sick child and the death of a friend, but they don't excuse prioritizing everyone else over you or being nice to others and mean to you.

It's definitely worth thinking about whether he is willing or able to give you what you need. And also what the implications might be if a pattern where you can't complain about his behavior (and schoolboy weed bullshit in particular is most definitely complain-able about) were to continue. You do need to be able to say 'but what about me?' in relation to what has become a pattern, without in/direct accusations of being heartless or controlling.