I have to leave him for my own dignity, don't i?

[JazzyJelly]

First of all, I'm a bloody idiot. DH and i have been together 13 years, married 7. No kids, although I was hoping we would start trying soon.

When we were 3 years into our relationship he had grown cold, wanted sex less and so on. I discovered this was down to a porn habit, looking specifically at something i consider really revolting (nothing illegal, but nothing like me, and made me question whether he was ever attracted to me in the first place). We had many fights, he lied to me again and again, we broke up and I think he was quite upset - he lost a lot of weight, and I had started some unhealthy behaviour too.

After a few months of him swearing blind he had given it up, would never look at this stuff again, wouldn't hurt me again, we gave it another go. I ask him regularly if he's keeping off it, he always says yes, swears faithfully.

Guess what I found on his work laptop?

I'm such an idiot. We've got a house together, I'm early 30s and was planning kids soon. He's lied to me, probably throughout our relationship.

But I don't want to be single and miss my chance to have kids. I love him. Selling the house would be horrendous. We have a nice life in a lot of ways. I'm such a coward.

My question is, should I leave him for the sake of my own dignity? My head is spinning right now. He's lovely in so many ways, but i feel that due to the lying, I can't trust him. The person I thought had my back through everything has been lying to me for years. The bottom has dropped out of my world.

I don't think so. He seemed devastated when we broke up the first time, but he still went back to it. I think if I was to be with him, I'd have to accept that his 'type' is very different from me, something i could never (and wouldn't want to) be, and he's going to sneak around and look at it forever.

Oh my God, the OP of this thread already has self esteem issues. She really doesnt need idiotic posters with such a fucking low bar of behaviour that they will accept, telling her to consider having kids first?

Where the hell did all the sane posters go?

As a parent, I can tell you with 100% certainty that having kids then leaving is one of the worst ideas I have heard on here.

I know that because when I was trying to make my marriage work, I became pregnant. So the split I went through took place after I had a child.

It made is so much harder to leave him, then if I had left initially. No contest. In thr end, our split was ok for me and him, but how anyone could have a child, PLANNING to do to that child, what our split did to our daughter, is beyond me. It's monumentally harder. Getting pregnant and knowing you are likely to leave may solve tge OPs issue about time and having kids (though there is feasibly 6 years + to find someone and get pregnant), but that some PPs are advocating knowingly doing that to a child, revolts me.

If "not meeting someone else" is a valid reason to stay with someone, we would all stay with our first loves, terrified there would never be anyone better.

Yet we don't, because most first loves arent right for us. And we realise that even more when we meet the person who is.

It's also offensive to the person you are with. Its saying to them "you'll have to do because I can't do any better. I would in an ideal world but, despite having no evidence that you are tge best I can do, and it being a statistical unlikelihood, I really want a bum on a seat here so I am not alone and can have kids. So, it's not you and your behaviour I want, but you are a person who js here so you will have to do. That ok dear? Now, what shall we have for tea?"

The way OPS husband is behaving is abusive and appalling. That doesn't mean that OP should treat him as appallingly as I have just spelled out, as some PPs are suggesting.

The absolute shite that people on this thread are spouting speaks volumes abiut their inability to think rationally (if you could, no-one would be asking what kind of porn it is as it ISNT THE FUCKING ISSUE).

The "he's lovely", "all men look at porn, it's the Ops issue" and "have kids then leave" brigade on here make me both furious and despairing. Furious that so many seem to see dreadful behaviour as OK, and can't actually read what the OP is saying, and despairing that a suggested way of handling it is to be as knowingly selfish and abusive in return, by making a partner believe you want kids WITH THEM, not just in general, and then leaving, and bugger the effects on the kids, its worth it so OP gets to have what she wants, and fuck everyone else.

Sorry for ranting, but I have never heard such utter shite on a thread before.

I think you sound as bad as each other quite honestly. Yes he was wrong to lie, but equally (if not more) you were wrong to try and control his sexual fantasies and porn use because you find it unattractive. You say it's the lying that's the problem, so if he had refused to stop watching and had been honest about it you'd have been ok with that?

You say it's the lying that's the problem, so if he had refused to stop watching and had been honest about it you'd have been ok with that?

Yes, I’ve seen a lot of posts about porn over the years where the Op says it’s not about the porn it’s about the lying, but she has simply decided to ban the DH from ever looking at porn. So he ends up Doing it secretly and getting ‘caught’ but she claims she’s objecting only to the lying.

I wouldn’t ban my DH from doing anything that was legal.

I appreciate some women are fine with it, however when I think back to my first marriage in the 80's (when I had less of an issue). A bit of porn use involved ex H popping on a video once every now and then or having 1 mag he had for months hidden away-- and we were in our 20s, and whilst I didn't much like it I could live with it. A big difference these days is blokes can be watching it almost every day on the quiet the minute their wives pop out without their wives knowing and a massive variety of some really unpleasant stuff too in some cases. I honestly think if some women were more aware of exactly how much or what stuff their partners wTched they might actually feel a bit less cool about it and stop accusing those of us who feel uncomfortable with so much of it of 'low self esteem'. although I do also know that some don't give a stuff so long as the blokes not gone off sex with them etc. It's a very individual thing. My self esteem is fine thanks, I just find it a total turn off as to how I see someone.

I think the bottom line is that it makes you feel this bad. It doesn’t really matter what is making you feel this bad, something he’s doing is.

Life is too short to feel like this. There’s someone out there who’ll make you feel 10ft tall and I know plenty of women who’ve had kids in their later thirties and early forties. Good luck!

You're absolutely right, i would be selfish to have children with him knowing we would be breaking up. Thank you. I'm just scared of missing my window, but this isn't the way.

It's not controlling to set the bar higher in relationships than "nothing illegal". Using prostitutes isn't illegal - should women be ok with their partners doing that? Would it be controlling if a woman objected to that?

Come off it.

It is clear from your posts that you are unhappy, you are self-harming, you know you need to break up. The only thing stopping you is fear of not having children. Look, you are in your early thirties, you have time to meet someone else and if you don't you can become a single parent through sperm donor, you've said on this thread you wouldn't mind being a single parent.

Your biological clock is screaming at you. You risk bringing children into an unhappy home. Don't do that. Get out. If a happy home means a single parent home then do that.

Christmas is already spoiled. Nowt you can do about that. Next Christmas can be better if you get a move on.

Anyway, op, you've got a bit of breathing space this week, you've emailed relate, so just give yourself a bit of time to process your feelings and decide what on want to do next. Whatever you decide, you need to be ready in yourself.

There is no great urgency so don't rush yourself.

@shouldhavecalleditoatabix Totally agree with you. OP sounds like hard work and quite controlling. Also think that the DH should have just said, I enjoy this and it is not a reflection on you, but it fulfils a need I have which makes me a happier person. I will ensure you don't see it (unless you go rooting around in my private property) but I don't intend to stop. At least that would have been honest (although he knew it was probably non negotiable). OP and her husband would at least have seen the situation for what it was and called it a day then. I agree with honesty sometimes being the best policy but I also don't think you can dictate to a partner what they can and cannot do to keep you. That to me is just coercive control.

It's not just that I want children. I also love him very deeply. That's why it hurts so much. But, of course, every betrayed woman must feel like this. I guess there will come a time when I don't love him and don't hurt anymore.

Oh ffs he looked at porn. So what

Doesn't matter who is more right and who is more wrong. Relationships don't succeed or fail by public vote. These two people are not compatible in the long term. That's all that matters.

JoanBonJovi
Maybe rtft. It's a lot more than he just looked at porn. It's more about him lying and deceiving the OP.

It is on his work computer. Disciplinary for that at my work and possibly sacking.

Yes, I worry about the fact it was on his work laptop. I suppose that shows how deeply into this shit he is, to risk his job too.

I guess there will come a time when I don't love him and don't hurt anymore

There will. But it will take years and years of unhappiness to come to terms with that INSIDE of the marriage.

It will be, perversely, easier and less painful if you leave.

The distance gives time to reflect without new behaviour muddying the waters, which it always does if you stay. Yes, you are exposed to more dreadful behaviour, but also more loving behaviour. So it remains confusing for YEARS until that love dies.....if it ever does.

You aren't being "hard work" or "as bad as each other" at all. You are having one of your fundamental values ridden over roughshod, on a daily basis, and being lied to about it.

Anyone someone with the emotional range of a teaspoon would see what you are going through as not a HUGE problem.

You have to make decisions that are right for you. But everyone who ever leaves a relationship is equally as terrified as you are, even if the reasons for the terror are different.

I worry that you staying will sap your self esteem more. This isn't about disagreeing about something and coming to a compromise that suits you both.

Instead, you are having to compromise YOURSELF and your values, to stay with someone you currently love, as you have convinced yourself you can't do better. Can you not? Really? Or is that an excuse you tell yourself to avoid having to make scary changes?

If it is a genuine concern at not meeting anyone else, where is the evidence that this concern is true? And even if it WAS true, which is statistically vanishingly unlikely, do you honestly think that staying with him is better than being alone?

You want a child - what role model do you want to be for a potential child? One who stays in a relstionship that makes her feel horrendous due to fear? Where their mum cannot model self esteem and positive problem solving because she has chosen to compromise herself as it is less scary? Is that what you would want YOUR daughter to base her decisions on?

I am sorry to sound so harsh, because I have nothing but sympathy and empathy for your situation. I am just trying to get you to look at your circumstances in a different way. Because the way you have been looking at them hasn't helped so far.

This is a who are you choosing to be moment. And that can't be avoided. Make sure you choose to be someone both you and your future child can feel respect for xx

He's figured out what was wrong. He's crying, I'm crying. But thank you, you're right, i do want to be and have better role models for any kids i might have. I'm trying to get him to leave now.

I'm glad you are talking. Im sorry it is so painful.

Most betrayed spouse might go through simultaneous love and betrayal anger and hurt yes. It doesn't mean that because we love them we should stay and put up with lies. He had a chance to change already right?

B

I think you have far more problems here than him looking at porn. You both have very unhealthy habits, you with the self harming and him with the porn addiction

although the fact that the porn he looks at is solely one type and very different to myself makes me question HIS attraction to me

The thing is OP, attraction isn’t a one way street. I prefer dark haired men however I see many, many light haired men who are also attractive. My DP is dark haired and overweight on his stomach.. I still spot other men with light hair and who are much slimmer who I find attractive (in passing), but it doesn’t mean I fancy my DP any less. I’m brunette and very petite.. does that mean I have the right to feel insulted if my partner was attracted to a blonde curvy woman? No it doesn’t..

Everybody is entitled to have their own opinion towards porn. There is no right or wrong. However.. the majority of men do watch porn. Some are completely open about it but some aren’t. 99% of men will promise to stop watching porn if you gave them an ultimatum however 98% will still continue to watch it but become better at hiding.

What I’m trying to say is, you could leave your DP to find a man who truthfully doesn’t watch porn at all but your chances of that happening are very slim. Incredibly slim in fact. So you’ve got two options - 1) stay with your DP knowing he will continue to watch porn but agree that every now and then is fine unless it has a negative impact on your sex life (such as he’s choosing porn over you) or 2) you leave him to find a man who never watches it but the chances of that happening are incredibly slim.

I don't have body issues, I'm not insecure about my looks

Sorry but you do, OP. Not because you dislike porn but because you have such a problem with him finding others attractive simply because they look the opposite to what you do

He has his unhealthy habit (extreme use of porn) but don’t forget you also have your unhealthy habit - self harm.

I’m gunna hazard a guess the thing he’s into is ‘skanky’ women? If it’s not illegal, underage looking girls, larger women or anything kinky then I can’t think what else.

@Loveablers

FFS! It isn't the porn, it's the betrayal of trust.

Glad you are talking about it OP. It won't be easy, but no big change ever is. At least you will be building a future you can live with xxx

You've obviously made your mind up, but I'm surprised you'd break up over this. Yes, you don't like the fact he lied, but in some way you were being a bit controlling, telling him what he can and can't do. How would you feel if he told you that you couldn't have a vibrator, or something? It's his choice surely whether he indulges in a bit of porn, given that he's a fully grown man.

My first H swore blind he never watched porn. I asked him if we could watch together and he made me feel disgusting. Guess what I found on his laptop? Yep - tonnes of the stuff.

My now DH also made out he didn't really watch it. Guess what? Also has films downloaded. I'm really cross because our sex life is shit because his sex drive is low. He maintains that he downloaded porn to try to stimulate his libido. What can I say to that? Who knows. I wouldn't end our marriage over it, because literally everything else between us is amazing (he is seeking help with GP for why libido is low)

I think for me, the type of porn would be an issue, but it's hard to say whether that would be a deal breaker, as you won't say what it is.

Please don't break up with him over this.

You're being completely irrational and some of the PP on here with their nasty bible bashing anti porn sentiments are, at best ill advising you, and at worse likely to do you and your security / life A LOT of serious harm. They should be ashamed of themselves.

SirChing seems to have an unhealthy interest in destroying your relationship for no good reason.