I have to leave him for my own dignity, don't i?

[JazzyJelly]

First of all, I'm a bloody idiot. DH and i have been together 13 years, married 7. No kids, although I was hoping we would start trying soon.

When we were 3 years into our relationship he had grown cold, wanted sex less and so on. I discovered this was down to a porn habit, looking specifically at something i consider really revolting (nothing illegal, but nothing like me, and made me question whether he was ever attracted to me in the first place). We had many fights, he lied to me again and again, we broke up and I think he was quite upset - he lost a lot of weight, and I had started some unhealthy behaviour too.

After a few months of him swearing blind he had given it up, would never look at this stuff again, wouldn't hurt me again, we gave it another go. I ask him regularly if he's keeping off it, he always says yes, swears faithfully.

Guess what I found on his work laptop?

I'm such an idiot. We've got a house together, I'm early 30s and was planning kids soon. He's lied to me, probably throughout our relationship.

But I don't want to be single and miss my chance to have kids. I love him. Selling the house would be horrendous. We have a nice life in a lot of ways. I'm such a coward.

My question is, should I leave him for the sake of my own dignity? My head is spinning right now. He's lovely in so many ways, but i feel that due to the lying, I can't trust him. The person I thought had my back through everything has been lying to me for years. The bottom has dropped out of my world.

And I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this too @brokenwoman74. I'm not at all surprised that past abuse makes this worse. Can i please ask what this special counselling is? Are you going to get counselling too?

You’re doing great @JazzyJelly
Take one day at a time.
I’m so pleased he went without fuss.
He’s done the right thing to give you the headspace you need.

I think men rarely give in to ultimatums. I think they just lie and hide it better tbh.

My ex had a fetish. At first I could tolerate it but the more he thought I accepted it, the more prevelant it became in our lives. I made it clear I didn't like it, he didn't care or change it. Then I found something with took it up another level a bit and I said get rid or we are done. He did. But we split further down the line (I found it a huge turn off and I think it helped kill things completely for me) and when I looked through his stuff I found more of it. So he hadn't given it up at all. He just lied and hid it better. For years. I felt like a mug tbh.

I think mine would do the same, excited for the future. I really do think I have to leave him. I'm so desperately sad. This means I will be alone on Christmas day for the first time. I love Christmas.

How was it when you and your (D)H split up? Did you feel sad, or relieved?

Have you heard of Borderline Personality Disorder? They self harm, and have an excessive emotional response to situations. It might be something that's worth looking into. x

@springydaff - yes, you're right. It was a crap analogy to use because everything is tainted by addiction.

The self harm is a bad coping mechanism i used years ago. Please stop obsessing over it.

@JazzyJelly - this kind of issue requires a CSAT counsellor, someone who knows about sex addiction...I know it sounds bizarre but that’s what it is. I’ve been seeing a psychologist for a while. The whole thing has broken me ...trust me when I say I’ve been through some crap in my life but this, this has finished me. I was forced to put an ultimatum in place. It wasn’t what I wanted but I’d been left no choice. It had come to a choice between him, or me, and I decided I was worth more. It’s a truly horrible thing to go through.so many people are so blasé about it. I wish more people knew about the damage Porn does. It triggers huge surges of dopamine to the brain, more than crack cocaine... it’s not as harmless as everyone think!

You're absolutely right, it's devastating, and people saying it's not a big deal really hurts. I'm sorry you're suffering the same way. I will look up the CSAT counselling. Can i ask whether this was the first time he's done this? When you say you deserve better, does that mean you chose the ultimatum?

You're absolutely right, it's devastating, and people saying it's not a big deal really hurts. I'm sorry you're suffering the same way. I will look up the CSAT counselling. Can i ask whether this was the first time he's done this? When you say you deserve better, does that mean you chose the ultimatum?

Its horrible when you first split. I remember just crying and crying, really missing him and wishing he waa there. Feeling a bit relieved that the decision was finally made, but mostly just devastated.

Then, after a while, I started to feel a bit better, and that's when I started to be able to look at our marriage more clearly, with the benefit of perspective.

And I realised that his lies and cowardice at facing the truth, had permeated areas of our marriage that I had thought were fine. And that made me realise that I had definitely done the right thing.

Then it got much easier. And since then I have had other relationships and am off on a date with a new guy this week.

Most importantly, whilst our DD doesnt know the details, she knows that her mum and dad love each other very much as friends, but that when you are unhappy in a relationship, you have to try to make it better and then end it if you can't.

DD is totally fine with it all now and, much as I hate that the split hurt her, both me and my ex are pleased that we have shown her what to do if a relationship is making her unhappy.

I am glad you will be able to tell your future children the same x

@JazzyJelly - no it’s not the first time. There have been about 10 occasions. I really tried to turn a blind eye, but then our sex life died, he got PIED and it destroyed any intimacy we had. I told him over and over, I will not sleep with you if you’re watching/using porn. Each time he’s promised to quit. Each time he’s gone back. Each time devastating me more and more. So this year I laid an ultimatum down, I said you need to choose what you want the porn or me. I honestly didn’t know what he would choose, it had gotten that bad. I regret it had to come to that, I would have liked it if he’d realised how badly he was hurting me. We have had marriage counselling together and are both now seeing individual therapists. He admits it was an addiction now and every now and again I see something of the man I fell in love with. Every day I wrestle with myself about walking away. I love him but I don’t know if I can ever look at him in the same way. To lie to someone, over and over and hurt them repeatedly....how do you do that to the one special,person you chose to marry? I really hope you’re getting some help.

I've asked for a relate counselling session for myself, but I'm away a lot so it's hard to commit to a regular time. Can I ask if you found couples counselling useful? Why did you then go onto individual counselling?

@JazzyJelly -couples counselling was useful (although I was the focus for many of the sessions.. I now know this was because she wanted me to be in a good place if I needed to leave him). She told him straight it was an addiction (he’d been denying it until,then) . I now have to deal with the trauma this has caused for me so that’s why I’m getting help too.

@brokenwoman74 that makes a lot of sense, thank you. I'm glad you were built up to be in a place where you could be strong enough to leave him if that's what you wanted.

I too started with couple's counselling then went into my own eventually for support in dealing with the fallout of what he put me through.

@Longfacenow, were they both useful? I'm wondering whether to just go straight to the individual counselling. I'm not sure I could sit in a room with him for any period of time now. And I'm not sure the relationship is worth saving.

Yes, but I really loved him and wanted to save my marriage. I wouldn't recommend it if you have decided to leave, as it is just not going to feel safe etc.

That makes sense, thank you.

Absolute best of luck x

@JazzyJelly

I think you can do online counselling with relate if you are away a lot. Why not do individual first and then see whether they think joint would be good?

Like with any addiction though, the addict has to WANT to change. So he would need counselling on his own anyway. Addictions are common in people who are trying to "escape" from something mentally. So until he worked out what that was, why, and how to deal with it in a different way, then he probably won't be in a fit state to properly rebuild your marriage with you.

The relate books are very good about addiction in relationships xx

@sirching that makes sense too. I've asked about individual counselling to try and get my head straighter. I haven't spoken to him about it. I think he does want to change, and he accepts it's an addiction, but i don't know i can handle any more pain from him. He talked about going to sex addicts anonymous too.

I will buy the books.

Thank you again, so much, for being so helpful and kind throughout this horror.

@JazzyJelly

You will be absolutely fine even if it doesn't feel like it now. It may be a good time to tell friends what has happened so you have real life support. I have no doubt that if the situations were reversed, you would support them.

Take care and PM any time

Don’t want to be single so you settle for shit. Get old and look back what you got. I’d rather be happy and single - six years single here

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I'm too ashamed to tell anyone yet. I believed him again, and he betrayed me again. I'm ashamed of him, and ashamed of myself.