I have to leave him for my own dignity, don't i?

[JazzyJelly]

First of all, I'm a bloody idiot. DH and i have been together 13 years, married 7. No kids, although I was hoping we would start trying soon.

When we were 3 years into our relationship he had grown cold, wanted sex less and so on. I discovered this was down to a porn habit, looking specifically at something i consider really revolting (nothing illegal, but nothing like me, and made me question whether he was ever attracted to me in the first place). We had many fights, he lied to me again and again, we broke up and I think he was quite upset - he lost a lot of weight, and I had started some unhealthy behaviour too.

After a few months of him swearing blind he had given it up, would never look at this stuff again, wouldn't hurt me again, we gave it another go. I ask him regularly if he's keeping off it, he always says yes, swears faithfully.

Guess what I found on his work laptop?

I'm such an idiot. We've got a house together, I'm early 30s and was planning kids soon. He's lied to me, probably throughout our relationship.

But I don't want to be single and miss my chance to have kids. I love him. Selling the house would be horrendous. We have a nice life in a lot of ways. I'm such a coward.

My question is, should I leave him for the sake of my own dignity? My head is spinning right now. He's lovely in so many ways, but i feel that due to the lying, I can't trust him. The person I thought had my back through everything has been lying to me for years. The bottom has dropped out of my world.

Nope, SirChing is showing OP she shouldn't put up with lies from the one person who promised he wouldn't lie anymore - she deserves better.

Agree that there is some horrendous advice on this thread and some really awful posters.. being single in your early 30s is really not the fucking end of the world!

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, OP - I hope that he is able to understand where you're coming from and agrees to give you the space you need to make whatever next steps you need to

From what I can see OP has absolutely no intention of forgiving her DH. Her focus is entirely on his going behind her back and lying, totally disregarding her unreasonable demands on him to behave in a way she dictates......or else she will be driven by him to self harm not manipulative at all. She won't even consider her own behaviour or recognise he is an adult who should not be controlled by her.

I'm not condoning his lying but I can understand why. He clearly loves her, cares for her through good and bad times, is supportive and understanding, but want a bit of down time, maybe because of all the tension and drama.

This whole issue looks like a massive drama over an issue most couples reach a sensible arrangement over. I feel sure however that she will not be compromising in any way or getting some joint counselling to look at both their unhealthy behaviours.

My sister husband been doing the same thing for years. Watching porn He cant stop he said. Hes a lovely husband and father, they've been to counselling but he still continue to do it. So my sister just let's him. It's bad jazzy jelly but I dont think you should leave him let his good deeds in the relationship outweighs this weakness of his, all men have some form of weaknesses. And If hes a good man as you described I think you should help him try and get over it. But he have to be open and honest with you. If it's an addition he have, it may take quiet some time to get over it, it will not happen over night. Your first step is to have a quiet and gentle talk with him and ask him why is he constantly watching porn( if you constantly nagging him about it and having out burst, he will hide and do it even more 😂).Wishing you al the best babe. Men watch porn not because they spouse are unattractive, but to fulfill the hidden desire to have more more more. My sister husband told her he refuse to leave or cheat on her that's why he watch it, its excite him. It's bad but such is life. They will stop one day well I hope. And yes me and my sister talks about everything we are twins 😍.

Sorry my English isn't so great.

@Daisy7654 get a grip. What OP does is up to her. I am trying to encourage her to make choices that increase her own dignity and self esteem. I have also had it happen to me.

Not having the same piss poor expectations of my partners as some posters here have, doesn't mean I want ops marriage to fail. Ultimately it doesn't affect my life.

Only someone with reduced ability to think would automatically equate "bible bashing" (charmingly respectful and tolerant of religious difference there I see!) with having standards.

Because as the OP has repeatedly said, it's the breaking of her trust that's destroying her. You may think women should put up with liars, but some of us have slightly higher self esteem than that.

@SanFranBear - indeed! It's tragic what pps are encouraging OP to put up with.

Also, to those PP saying "don't leave" - no split has to be permanent. It could be the impetus OPs husband needs to seek help for his addiction. Then they may stand a slight chance.

There is nothing wrong with reuniting with someone if they totally accept responsibility and overcome their addiction. But ALL those who work with people with addictions say to family members, "you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't change it".

Has it occured to the posters advocating that OP stay, that by doing so she would be actively enabling her DH's addiction? Which is the worst thing someone who loves an addict can do. Addicts have to hit rock bottom before they will address it. Preventing them doing do enables their addiction for longer, so DH would be harmed too.

It's very clear that not only do lots of PPs have a low bar, they also have fuck all idea about the insidious nature of addiction and lies, and how maintaining the status quo is harmful to both addicts and their loved ones.

Personal choice whether you agree with porn or not.
Not all men watch porn.
Some people (men and women) find porn degrading to women.
It is entirely up to the OP what her boundaries are and if she feels her trust has been broken over porn then that is her choice. It is not for us to say she is being unreasonable.

I'm really sorry I haven't RTFT (it's so long!) but I wanted to say he's an addict. Addicts notoriously put their drug of choice first, above all else, and will risk losing everything dear to get their fix. They are masters at lying, deceit, denial, covering up. Being with an addict is hell on earth, unbelievably painful.

To that end, you could do with going to Al-anon. It is a 12-step support group for those in a relationship with an addict (not just an alcoholic, all addictions). It goes a huge way to lessening the awesome pain - because, in essence, your loved one's addiction isn't personal. Al-anon really helps you to see the wood for the trees, not least because everyone there is in the same boat, they know the terrible pain.

And he needs to go to SLAA. I personally would make it a condition he goes and seriously embraces recovery. Without that I wouldn't want the agony of a relationship with an addict in active addiction.

I'm so sorry you're facing this. I hope you find a way through and find peace

Al-anon

SLAA

Ah, sorry, I see someone else has talked about addiction, just above my post.

It certainly does seem the man has an addiction. I would help anybody with an addiction but living with them - no. Addiction to porn is really so grubby and the op is finding it difficult despite how much she feels for her partner. If they parted - remaining friends - he might even find recovery easier than while he is living with her. I said, "Might", but sometimes a wake up call is necessary and works. Staying together indicates an acceptance and drags the reluctant op down into the mess.

Jazzy, I hope you've found this thread helpful and, yes, I do think you must prioritise yourself, your dignity, over anything else.

Would you be comfortable with using hentai as a compromise ? At the sex shop we used to recommend anime for people in more conservative situations. Please don’t break up with this guy over this. I think you both love each other & it’s something you can reach a compromise on. Hope you’re ok OP. Know we have not always agreed on this thread & I do watch porn personally so am obviously bias but do care & want to help find a solution where both his sexuality & honesty can cohabitate together. It sounds like there is a lot of love in this relationship & he is otherwise a good husband (from what you’ve said so far at least) & not abusive in other ways.

What do your friends & family think about him ?

You clearly aren't compatible, but I don't think he can be really painted as a bad guy here either, and it's not really fair on you to paint him as such and blame him for possible self harm and so on. You can't put all of that on someone elses conscience.

And no you shouldn't have kids with him and then leave, it's not fair on the kids to decide in advance to do that, and it's not fair on your partner either unless he is aware that that's your plan.

Sorry with him* using hentai obviously not you ! The Japanese are always so smart + sensible with their solutions....it’s not something am into but the cartoon aspect means nobody is being exploited & it promotes artistry with drawing at least. I just don’t think a counsellor, unless religious based is not going to agree with the husband that some porn use is quite average in many relationships & this is an irreconcilable difference otherwise.

There is not much chance to rule it out yet, as not sure what kind of pornography it is! Example - a thread recently the poster’s partner’s fetish was school girl porn. He also liked to look at girls in school uniform & overall his porn habit made the op uncomfortable in other situations. She was in her 50s, so it had a perverse aspect to it. I said LTB.

Without knowing what kind of pornography it is IS relevant IMO because in this situation, the OP was otherwise quite happy within the relationship. I do think there is a lack of communication about sharing their whole sexual selves, but believe it could possibly be worked on.

Maybe the OP will reveal more about their relationship ship dynamics & could change & say LTB. Most threads on here seem to unfortunately be unhealthy relationships or we presumably wouldn’t be posting.

People are either ok with porn or not. Porn addiction in my personal experience seems to affect other areas of the relationship & say you’re in bed & wanting them & they are off masturbating & you likely know about their fetishes, make you talk about them etc. is it gay porn ? Bdsm ? Anal ? Lesbian ? it is not perverse to want to understand what kind of fetish we are talking about here. Pretty sure the counsellor would ask ?! Or not ?

• the school girl porn was perverse no matter what age too, fyi. That poster’s age wasn’t relevant, just for the fact he seemed unable to be attracted to women of his own age which is a problem. Most people find those our own age relatable & therefore attracted to being with!

nasty bible bashing

um, wtaf are you talking about? where is the bible bashing in this thread?

you're the one who is begging op not to break up with him. who seems to think a woman cant leave a man if shes unhappy with him, if he lies constantly, if hes gone cold and would rather knock one out instead of have sex with her.

what an utterly peculiar stance. how did you get to hating women with their own minds so much?

Thank you all for your replies. He left around midnight last night. I've just woken up and remembered it's not a nightmare.

I think posters who say it's an addiction area absolutely correct. I guess it's not about me. He's tried giving up before, with (obviously) limited success. I don't know how to reconcile the honestly lovely man and husband he's been with this.

I think I need space no matter what. I'm going to read some of those resources about addiction. I'm not imaging it being positive, but it might help me to get my head around it all.

Not everyone wants to knock one out just because their partner feels like having sex though. Are you saying you think their thoughts should be enough ? I hope you’re feeling ok today OP & if he’s gone then you can have some time for yourself & make sure you practice self care. Am sure you guys will be able to talk easier after a little breathing room. Best.

OP I have been reading your thread and felt compelled to post. I am,going through a similar situation. Been married 16 years. The porn has always been an issue. To make matters more complicated I was sexually abused as a child and forced to watch porn and look at pornographic material. I now have CPTSD from the many times I’ve found the content my husband has been viewing.
I really feel for you, I know exactly what you are going through right now. To all the people who said it’s just porn get over it please show some compassion for people who have sexual trauma. It it without doubt the most painful and shaming thing I’ve ever been through. My husband admits he has/had a problem and is seeing a special counsellor. I had to lay down an ultimatum for this to happen. It’s not what I wanted but I was given little choice as it was making me incredibly ill.

I hope you have support in real life and have access to therapy. Try not to make any important decisions now and focus on calming and healing yourself so that you feel strong enough to consider what’s next.

Xx

@JazzyJelly

I am so very sorry that you are in this position. You have been really brave. If he does overcome his addiction, then maybe things could be different, but it sounds like you have made the right decision, for you, now.

You will struggle to reconcile the two sides of him, that's normal. People aren't one thing or another, they are a mixture of things. You wouldn't be with him if he wasn't an otherwise lovely bloke. Most men who do stuff we can't live with are otherwise wonderful. We wouldn't love them otherwise.

It's when the 5% shit contaminates and threatens the other 95% that the whole thing becomes spoiled

I think it’s strange that everyone is focusing on his porn addiction but completely forgetting that you self harm.

You both need help! I mean this kindly but I don’t understand how you can penalise him for an addiction when you also have your own unhealthy problems? Most people would struggle to stay with someone who self harms.. at 19 I was with a guy who had low self esteem, it got to the point where I was walking on eggshells Incase something I said or did caused him to self harm. It was a horrible way to live and I finally ended the relationship.

I just don’t understand how you can kick him out for watching porn when you also self harm. What if he penalised you for that? What if he kicked you out for hurting yourself?

Ultimately OP I think you’re gunna end up unhappy whatever decision you make. Whether you still with this man or leave and find someone else, chances are you’ll repeat the same cycle because the majority of men do watch porn. It’s a fact. It might not be a fact you want to accept and I’m not saying that means you have to put up this his addiction, but I think you need to work on yourself before entering another relationship

The fact you thought it was a good idea to have a child and then end the relationship is proof enough.

The addiction doesn't take up 5% SirChing, it takes up 150%.

An addict in active addiction lives for their fix, it's an obsession to get the fix come what may. Which destroys relationships, regardless what the addiction is.

In my (albiet limited) experience, men who have strange porn tastes are to be avoided. IME, its a red flag for some other weird issues, mental and otherwise, especially to do with women.

There are some, or even lots of men with more normal and loving attitudes to women and sex. Honest, I would move on, seriously OP. He's a man with issues, unpleasant issues to do with women especially. You nailed it in your question.

Oh aye loveablers, me self harming 10 years ago is comparable to him lying to my face and looking at this stuff every single day for the last 2 years.

I think you're both right SirChing and BrokenWoman74, it's an addiction, i can't control it, and i can't reconcile this with the man I thought he was. I think this would poison every day hereafter. I've taken the day off work because I can't stop crying, but he went. I feel a mug.

Just to reiterate, as I think some people are mixing the waters. Men with strange weird or illegal tastes in porn are usually freaks, whether pleasant on the surface or not. It will eventually come out as to what you are dealing with, whether a pevert or a robo-machine.

Move on. Life (and sex) is much more delicious with men with more normal, happy sexual drives. I bet he's totally shit in bed, an emotionless twat possibly thinking he's engaging in some Olympic sport bx.