I have to leave him for my own dignity, don't i?

[JazzyJelly]

First of all, I'm a bloody idiot. DH and i have been together 13 years, married 7. No kids, although I was hoping we would start trying soon.

When we were 3 years into our relationship he had grown cold, wanted sex less and so on. I discovered this was down to a porn habit, looking specifically at something i consider really revolting (nothing illegal, but nothing like me, and made me question whether he was ever attracted to me in the first place). We had many fights, he lied to me again and again, we broke up and I think he was quite upset - he lost a lot of weight, and I had started some unhealthy behaviour too.

After a few months of him swearing blind he had given it up, would never look at this stuff again, wouldn't hurt me again, we gave it another go. I ask him regularly if he's keeping off it, he always says yes, swears faithfully.

Guess what I found on his work laptop?

I'm such an idiot. We've got a house together, I'm early 30s and was planning kids soon. He's lied to me, probably throughout our relationship.

But I don't want to be single and miss my chance to have kids. I love him. Selling the house would be horrendous. We have a nice life in a lot of ways. I'm such a coward.

My question is, should I leave him for the sake of my own dignity? My head is spinning right now. He's lovely in so many ways, but i feel that due to the lying, I can't trust him. The person I thought had my back through everything has been lying to me for years. The bottom has dropped out of my world.

@JazzyJelly if all this had happened to a friend, would you think they should be ashamed or would you want them to tell you.

When I told mine, I dreaded it. It felt so embarrassing. But they were just relieved to know and happy to support me through it.

Noone wants their friends to go through heartbreak alone if they can help it.

Thing is jazzy jelly, be prepared for some people to think you are making a Hoo ha about something that isn't a big deal (male and female) I don't feel like that but I know when I did tell a few close friends about this issue , that was the general reaction (and I haven't left but am not happy about it) it wasn t unanimously 'oh you poor thing' , out of my 4 main friends, 1 said she would accept none whatsoever (and she is the most outgoing very liberal one) 2 said, well ok if they must but in total moderation (few times a month max) and the other had no issue with it at all, every day was fine by her.

@SirChing you're right of course. I'm not sure I'm quite ready to have that conversation but i know it's got too happen sometime. I'm sure they'll be supportive. It's hard working away too, i don't get much social time, although I suppose I'll have a lot more now i don't have him.

I've certainly got that from some people on the thread user. I think with it being every single day, and lying to my face for 2 years, they should accept that it's bad. My family love him though, telling them is going to be very difficult. Also embarrassing, how can I tell my parents this? They're expecting us to be hosting Boxing day, so I'll have to tell them.

Also embarrassing, how can I tell my parents this?

You say "he's addicted to porn. I've given him many chances to give it up and save our relationship but he can't/won't so our relationship is over".

I told my mum and her partner and they took it in their stride and were supportive.

@HundredMilesAnHour is exactly right in what to say to them.

None of this is your fault. He chose his behaviour, you didn't. So you need not feel any shame or embarrassment about describing his behaviour. You trusted him and gave him another chance. That's totally reasonable. But he is the one who has blown it.

Parents tend to be a lot less judgemental than we think they will be about marital.matters. They will have heard allsorts about their friends marriages, and may even have been through some stuff themselves.

You dont have to tell anyone anything you dont want to. Telling people that he persistently lied to you would be the truth. You can choose who you share the details with. Even between friends, you don't have to tell all of them all the details.

PS I can tell you that in my experience, it was nowhere near as awful telling people as I expected, and was quite a relief actually.

Jazzyjelly ,you're the one who brought your self harm into it, and said the break up drove you back and his behaviour pushed you into it and that he was willing to risk that again.

You cannot blame him and his 'behaviour' for that. You have to take responsibility for that yourself and not have it be dependent on your partner following your ultimatums.

It actually sounds very manipulative. I can only imagine how much you've beaten him up over how he pushed you back to that because of his awful awful behaviour.

I stayed in a relationship for over a decade because of my exes suicide threats, the pressure I felt to stay with him and go along with what he wanted at the detriment of my own happiness was crazy, funnily enough after ending it the relationship caused me far more emotional damage than it ever did to him.

I've also suffered from sexual trauma, and I am a porn watcher myself. Earlier this year when all of my sexual trauma came to a head I would get very upset watching porn so I stopped. It wasn't really to do with the porn. I still wouldn't have a problem with a partner watching porn, and i've had therapy myself and i'm now ok with porn again..so no one should assume that those who don't have an issue with porn don't have their own sexual trauma to deal with.

@user1481840227

If Jazzy had said or implied that if he was to do it again she would harm herself, you would be right that it is manipulative.

BUT there is a big difference between that, and your partner knowing that riding roughshod over your boundaries about honesty affects your mental health, and doing it anyway.

That the OP self harmed is irrelevant. Her partner was doing something to her which she had explained she could not cope with as it crossed boundaries.

How the OP dealt with that trauma is on her. But knowingly causing that trauma is on her husband.

It actually sounds very manipulative. I can only imagine how much you've beaten him up over how he pushed you back to that because of his awful awful behaviour

That's a bloody awful thing to say to the OP. There is no evidence at all that ahe has said that to him.

I am sorry for the emotional abuse you suffered at the hands of your ex. But just as not everyone who voices suicidal.ideation is doing it to manipulate, not everyone who self harms is doing so either.

In fact, people tend to self harm because they DON'T want to hurt others. They turn their distress in on themselves rather than outward to.the source of their distress.

SirChing, I understand what you're saying, but even if she didn't directly say it, if it's been implied in the past (and to me it sounds like it has) then it has the same effect on the other person.
She explained her boundaries to him but if she was making the link between his porn consumption and her possibly self harming then it's doubtful they could have had an adult discussion about it, it's unlikely he could have put his own points across clearly or been able to even try to justify his own choice to watch it if the OP was having such a highly emotive reaction to it.

Perhaps manipulation isn't the word if manipulation always has to be intentional..... but people often use the word manipulation to describe suicide threats etc. or other types of coercive control from men who probably are not deliberately setting out to manipulative, but the result and the effect is the same whether it was intentional or not. People agree with or go along with certain things they shouldn't have because they feel guilty or bad or ashamed or responsible for the other persons wellbeing.

@JazzyJelly I was relieved when we split. But I'd fallen out of love with him long ago and I wanted the split anyway.

Look, i have never threatened suicide, i haven't told him 'don't lie to me or I'll self harm'. You're right that would be an awful thing to do. I just meant that he knew the distress he caused me all those years ago nearly broke me, and I was driven back to very unhealthy coping mechanisms. I didn't tell him about it then, he noticed, and I wasn't doing it to hurt him at all.

I haven't said anything about it now either, I'm just hurt that he saw how difficult and painful it was for me last time, and was willing to hurt me the same way again.

I’ve been where you have been and it’s an awful situation. My partner of the time was a little further along in his addiction and some of his tastes had developed into things that really made me feel sick to my stomach. The material he originally viewed became too tame to have an effect and it progressively got more extreme as the years went by. He also progressed to hook up sites and prostitute sites although he says he never used them properly and was just looking. Who knows...

I tried very hard to support him through his couselling but in the end it was too much. That feeling of never being able to relax when he was home alone and the feeling during sex of just not being good enough drove me to being a shell of myself. Not to mention the things he wanted me to do, which made a lot more sense when I found out about his addiction. Then there was the erectile dysfunction unless we were doing something more obscure. It’s soul destroying. During the unravelling of the truth to try to understand how he felt, he had said that sometimes he wished I would leave if we had been together all weekend so he could get back to his computer. That was so hurtful to know. That relationship really scarred me.

However I am now in a porn free marriage. When I met my husband I made it clear, I can’t have this in my life because of xyz so if that’s an issue then we should walk away from this now before feelings get hurt. It’s ridiculous to think “all men do it”. There are men who actually don’t particularly enjoy it and others who will prize your feelings over porn. There is a difference between an occasional dabble and something that becomes a problem. Its a long road ahead and as with all of these things, it takes phenomenal strength and willpower on his part. It will also takes its toll on you along the way. The fact he has hidden it a second time makes me worry that he will just get better at hiding it. He knows how this makes you feel and yet has done it again.

There is a way out of this and it takes a lot of courage to break away from it. But based on what you have said this will slowly grind you down. You are worth more than this. Your boundaries are valid and you don’t need to explain them to anyone. You have the right to not want this in your relationship. I’m around the same age as you and trust me, there really is still time.

@lovelostnfoundx ...thank you. This is where I’m at now. I’ve not left him (I do still love him for some reason) but I don’t like him, and I have no respect for him. I’ll never get it out of my head that I’m not enough that he wants something I’m not. Everything seems tainted now. I’ve set myself a goal of getting better and then reassessing. If I still feel the same I will leave.
@JazzyJelly I hope you get some peace. I recommend a good book by Dr Kevin Skinner Treating Trauma from sexual betrayal. It’s very practical and has a lot of useful information and exercises in it.

@BrokenWoman74 I’m so sorry that you are in that place. I still loved him for a long while afterwards as well. But I was in love with the person I thought he was before the secrets came out. I knew on some level I would always be repulsed by what I knew and had seen. I hope that things improve and that you find the right course of action for you, whether that be moving forward in your relationship or leaving. Just know you aren’t alone and that until you have been in that place, it’s incredibly difficult for people to understand the damage that it can cause.

Break you, OP? This is what you seriously said about his previous behaviour over porn. Jesus, just get rid. Find your backbone and your moral compass, stop being a doormat. He’s fucked up and on some level anyway, a cretin. Leave him to it. Enjoy life alone or meet someone healthier.

^

This means I will be alone on Christmas day for the first time. I love Christmas.

But that’s your choice. Nobody is forcing you to end this relationship. You’ve claimed several times that apart from him watching porn he is lovely. So other than you simply not wanting him to watch it, the porn doesn’t have any negative effect on you or your relationship.

I'm not sure I could sit in a room with him for any period of time now

Christ alive he’s has a wank to some porn, he’s not exactly murdered somebody. You’re reaction is extreme. Fair enough be annoyed if that’s how you feel but to kick him out and not be in the same room is not a normal reaction over this!

The self harm is a bad coping mechanism i used years ago. Please stop obsessing over it

But it’s not from years ago is it. You brought it up and stated otherwise, nobody is obsessed over it. Just because posters are pointing out facts you don’t like, it doesn’t mean they’re obsessing. When posters agree with your facts you don’t accuse them of obsessing..

I agree with the poster who mentioned the manipulation.

Have you heard of Borderline Personality Disorder? They self harm, and have an excessive emotional response to situations. It might be something that's worth looking into

This. 100%

You’re entitled to feel whichever way you do towards the use of porn.
But your reaction is not normal and not okay IMO.

I mean this kindly but until you receive proper help, entering another relationship or having kids is the last thing you should be doing.

Maybe she needs help. Who can say.

But her reaction to his utter weirdness and creepiness around porn entirely normal! People trying to normalise it or make OP accept this creep not helpful to op.

And he’ll prove himself an unpleasant creep in other ways, I’d bet £1000 on it. No real love for women. Just base W* material.

@lovelostnfoundx you've hit a lot of how I'm feeling. He's never pressured me in bed, although that may be because there's no way for me to emulate what he likes. But you're right, i love who I thought he was. I too am repulsed by him. And I'm scared of escalation. He went on adultwork, and i know he just looked because i looked through his history, but who's to say he wouldn't go through with it in the future? I'm so glad you've found happiness now.

@brokenwoman74 thank you for the recommendation, I've ordered the book. You're also right that I have no respect for him any more, and he clearly has none for me.

To those saying I'm mad, please don't waste your time. If it was gambling, or sexting, or drinking that he was hiding for 2 years and lying to my face about, I'm sure you wouldn't be minimising it.

Have you heard from him, OP?

No, @wizardofaus, i asked him to give me space and not contact me. I'm back at home on Friday, I'm not sure what to do/say then but I'm glad of the time to be honest.

That’s great. You’re doing so bloody well and I really admire your strength and the fact you’re sticking to your guns and not backing down.

Thank you. I don't feel strong but I know i won't be able to think straight if I'm talking to him, and i need to get my head around this all.