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Original poster

How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

400 replies

Hresdyu · 16/11/2019 16:26

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and I think that my trouble with men is because I’m far too accommodating and can be a bit of a doormat. This obviously becomes unattractive and ultimately the relationship breaks down or doesn’t go anywhere. I really want to stop this pattern but I don’t know how to.

Basically I’m a nice person so I go out of my way to be kind to others and understand things from their point of view. When this happens in relationships I think it comes across as unattractive.

I have a few acquaintances who treat other people in a way that I would hate. For example, one particular person (A) is married but puts her husband down in front of other people. She’s mean to him and is the kind of person who’s rude in restaurants but her husband adores her. He just laps it all up.

The problem is that I actually really like who I am. I like that I’m a nice, considerate person, but I am so fed up of repeating this pattern with men.

I’m in my early 40s now. How can I stop this from happening? How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

OP posts:
Original poster
Hresdyu · 18/11/2019 20:33

Thanks 1300cakes. You made me feel better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hresdyu · 18/11/2019 20:38

And this is probably very telling but I’m reluctant to wear the lipstick in front of my Mum because I know she’ll comment on it.

OP posts:
Stooshie8 · 19/11/2019 06:55

Goodness. I'm guessing DM is in her 60s -do you should be controlling your behaviour for another 20 years to keep DM happy. How often do you see her?

Stooshie8 · 19/11/2019 06:55

So she could

RantyAnty · 19/11/2019 07:32

OP I agree that boundaries are the issue.

Using the surgeon with kid example.

Do you feel the surgeon is selfish and mean for putting his job and child first?

Do you believe that whomever you're dating is more important than you?

You say you fear a relationship would end if you spoke up and made yourself as important as the guy.

What's the worst thing that would happen if the relationship did end?

Original poster
Hresdyu · 19/11/2019 07:39

My Mum is mid 70s. I see her about once a week.

OP posts:
SeaSidePebbles · 19/11/2019 07:40

OP, it’s fear of abandonment.
You simply don’t want to be abandoned like before, therefore you’re doing everything in your power to make them stay.

To keep your mum happy, you did/do everything she expected of you, you’ve learnt that by being a good girl you get affection. I’m in my 40, my mum can be a critical b*h, but I genuinely don’t get affected by it. My mum is like yours, when I was young she used to crush me with cruel comments about my appearance (eg lipstick). I don’t remember the last time she did that, but if she did, I would pull her up on it, I wouldn’t tolerate it. And I don’t mean having a slagging match, I would say I’m glad I still have the curiosity and interest to discover what suits me, and to change things, I got a lot of compliments wearing that. Are you still wearing the same shade after all these years mum? Complexions change.

There is nothing wrong with you, OP. You don’t have to get out of your way to ‘catch a man’.

Original poster
Hresdyu · 19/11/2019 07:43

Do you feel the surgeon is selfish and mean for putting his job and child first?
Not remotely. I think it’s totally understandable. I would do the same.

Do you believe that whomever you're dating is more important than you?
No

You say you fear a relationship would end if you spoke up and made yourself as important as the guy.
I fear it would end if I became difficult and demanding.

What's the worst thing that would happen if the relationship did end?
I would lose out on being with someone I really like.

OP posts:
InterstellarDrifter · 19/11/2019 08:15

You sound like my friend. She’s a total people pleaser (mother issues too) and always says things like ‘why do I need to play games when we’re two adults’ because the suggestions I make about her needing to be emotionally untangled and not needy all seem unnatural to her.
She also thinks you can do the right things and get your man and is terrified that she’ll do something that will be wrong and he’ll no longer be interested.
Like others have said - it has to be reciprocated. One person cannot control that.
Be your own person. Find hobbies and activities that you will enjoy. Go out and see places.
Turn off all your notifications except calls, on your phone and give yourself a time to check your messages.

AnotherEmma · 19/11/2019 08:35

From the first few posts I thought there would be an issue with your parents. You've talked about your mum (clearly dysfunctional) but what about your dad?

I advise you to read "Toxic parents" by Susan Forward and get some counselling to address your self-esteem, boundaries and expectations of romantic relationships.

I think your mother has done a lot of damage that will take work to unpick.

The way you talk about the men you've dated makes you sound needy and a bit desperate, and I'm guessing that they sense it too. I think you need a break from dating for a while.

AnotherEmma · 19/11/2019 08:39

Guy with sick mother - when he says he wants to keep relationship a secret, you say that's not the kind of relationship you want, so you end it and tell him that he can contact you if and when he is ready to have a normal (non-secret) relationship, you won't wait for him but if you are still single you would be open to seeing him again. Clearly his mother dying was the wrong time for him to have a serious relationship.

As a general rule it sounds as if your bar is low in terms of walking away when it's not working for you.

The right person will make an effort to see you and you won't feel anxious that it's going to come to nothing if you stop doing all the running.

I've never read it but the book "he's not that into you" comes to mind.

Loopytiles · 19/11/2019 08:43

“ You say you fear a relationship would end if you spoke up and made yourself as important as the guy.”

“I fear it would end if I became difficult and demanding.”

Placing at least equal importance on your needs and wishes to those of a prospective boyfriend is not being “difficult” or “demanding”: it’s healthy!

Loopytiles · 19/11/2019 08:43

If the prospective bf then loses interest, that’s not a bad thing, as you haven’t wasted much time.

UnaOfStormhold · 19/11/2019 08:55

How full is your life when you're not in a relationship? It sounds to me like you need some interests that get you out so that you're not always waiting for the phone to ring. What do you enjoy doing that isn't dating? If you don't know, try to find out.

Secondly, a training course I was on talked about exercising your wanting muscle - basically practicing tuning into your own wants (not the ones that are about other people) and making them happen. Start with small things like what you want to eat and make sure you get them no matter how trivial the actual thing seems. What is important is learning to listen to and act on what you want. The phrase "having a whim of steel" may help sum up the spirit!

Daisydoesnt · 19/11/2019 09:02

Placing at least equal importance on your needs and wishes to those of a prospective boyfriend is not being “difficult” or “demanding”: it’s healthy!

This, ten times over!

Ironically OP your bending over backwards to please boyfriends; putting up with their shoddy, indifferent behaviour; and failing to value yourself properly is putting men off, it's not keeping them. It's such a turn off.

Who wants to be with a doormat? No-one, especially not the intelligent, decent men you profess to be attracted to.

Professionally successful, driven men (in my 50 years of experience) are with women/ partners who are their equals. Not "doormats" as you put it. Be an equal!

Daisydoesnt · 19/11/2019 09:05

OP You also need to get a lot fussier about who you are in a relationship with. The brilliant surgeon and the Phd student - they both may have been great guys but I bet you could have predicted after just a couple of dates that an equal, satisfying relationship with either of them was never going to happen. They had other priorities in their lives at that particular time. The wise thing to do would have been bow out.

timetosparkleandshine · 19/11/2019 09:22

I think counselling may help you. Your thread has "people pleaser" written all over it.

Original poster
Hresdyu · 19/11/2019 10:06

Thanks InterstellarDrifter. I sound a lot like your friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hresdyu · 19/11/2019 10:07

Be your own person. Find hobbies and activities that you will enjoy. Go out and see places.
I do those things. As I said upthread, I really like myself as a person. I have lots of hobbies and interests.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hresdyu · 19/11/2019 10:12

From the first few posts I thought there would be an issue with your parents. You've talked about your mum (clearly dysfunctional) but what about your dad?
My Dad and I have similar personalities. Both kind and gentle. I can be shy but he is much more shy than me. He used to go along with whatever my mother wanted for a quiet life. She cheated on him when I was 11 and they split up. He has never told me that he loves me but I 110% know that he does. He’s a bit emotionally awkward. He and I are very close. I completely ‘get’ him and know exactly what he would like for a present, for example. He never tells me what to do. I feel like he not only loves me but he really likes, admires and respects me. He never really fitted in because he’s a working class guy with very middle class interests like opera. So he doesn’t fit into either world. He’s been very ill all of my life. He has nearly died about 20 times. All of our family friends are amazed that he’s still alive.

I advise you to read "Toxic parents" by Susan Forward and get some counselling to address your self-esteem, boundaries and expectations of romantic relationships.
I will do. I have my first counselling session booked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hresdyu · 19/11/2019 10:15

As a general rule it sounds as if your bar is low in terms of walking away when it's not working for you.
True. I get very attached to people. I remember I was upset when the builders were going to have finished the work on my house because I got so attached to them!

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Original poster
Hresdyu · 19/11/2019 10:20

How full is your life when you're not in a relationship? It sounds to me like you need some interests that get you out so that you're not always waiting for the phone to ring.
My life is ridiculously full! My friends and family wonder how I keep so many plates spinning!!
I have a job that I absolutely love. I do additional work for exams and research around my job. I see friends, family. I go dancing, play sport, go to the cinema, go for nature walks. I rarely have time to myself but when I do I relish it. I’m an incredible multitasker! I feel like I’m living the life of at least 2, maybe 3, people at once! 🤣😉

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Original poster
Hresdyu · 19/11/2019 10:21

exercising your wanting muscle
I will try this. Excellent idea. Thanks

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