How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

[Hresdyu]

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and I think that my trouble with men is because I’m far too accommodating and can be a bit of a doormat. This obviously becomes unattractive and ultimately the relationship breaks down or doesn’t go anywhere. I really want to stop this pattern but I don’t know how to.

Basically I’m a nice person so I go out of my way to be kind to others and understand things from their point of view. When this happens in relationships I think it comes across as unattractive.

I have a few acquaintances who treat other people in a way that I would hate. For example, one particular person (A) is married but puts her husband down in front of other people. She’s mean to him and is the kind of person who’s rude in restaurants but her husband adores her. He just laps it all up.

The problem is that I actually really like who I am. I like that I’m a nice, considerate person, but I am so fed up of repeating this pattern with men.

I’m in my early 40s now. How can I stop this from happening? How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

I used to be this way. Nowadays I always make suggestions based on what I prefer or is convenient for me. If I were to put forward dates then they will be ones that suit me, not what I necessarily think others would like.

So, a practical tip would be to always think about what suits you in a situation and arrange according to that. The other person won't hate you or think less of you for putting your own preferences forward. It will open the door for a conversation where you both respect each other's needs/preferences and come to a compromise. Your relationships will be better for it as the potential for resentment later is reduced.

If he gets in touch, don't pull him up on it. Ignore it. But when he does get in touch wait a minimum of 24 hours before you reply. Don't be available for the first date he suggests, or even the second. Show him that you have a life and don't need to sit around waiting for any man. After turning down the second date he suggests, suggest one yourself but say that if that doesn't suit him it's the only day you are free for the next week. Meanwhile be busy getting on with life. Go to the gym, meet friends, do whatever hobbies you enjoy. Maybe even join Tinder and chat to a few men to boost your self confidence, arrange dates if you come across anyone interesting. Don't sit around feeling sad and wait for him.

With regards to your situation, carry on with your life as if he can't make any of those days. If he replies and your situation has changed just say so. ' sorry I didn't know where you were up to so made my own plans on that day' Let me know if you want to meet up'.
Then leave him to it.

Don't wait for him, and definitely don't hold diary space for him.

I had a difficult mother who was over enmeshed but also got angry and aggressive with me and I had to keep the peace a lot. I could never express anger or say how I felt
And you are still that way - suppressing your emotions.
We're you bright at school which gained you respect. Hence dating surgeons and PhD students.
The kindness you bestow on everyone - did DGPs praise you for being so good or kind.
Are you stuck in your child/teen behaviour and have never progressed?
Is your DM still alive? Do you have siblings?
Our childhoods have a huge influence on who we are ime.

Stop thinking about things from his perspective & prioritise yours.
It’s difficult because my perspective and my priority is making him mine. I want to kiss him and have sex with him. I want to have fun with him. My fear with playing games is that he’ll play them back and I’ll lose out.

It’s not “being a diva” to want to date someone who reciprocates contact, wants to meet and takes equal responsibility for making arrangements.
I agree. I want reciprocity.

You can’t “make him mine”. Someone is either into you or not.

Why do you consider assertiveness and actively seeking reciprocity, and avoiding men not offering that, to be “game playing”?

Be more cat.
I’ll try! I’m a dog person.

I thought that maybe I should think about some real life female role models who I admire and channel them a bit more. There’s a woman at work who’s not the most beautiful woman I have ever met but she’s very attractive. She’s vivacious, sassy, kind but firm, is very cool. Maybe I should think in these situations WWOD? O being her name.

‘ah it’s you, I thought you had lost interest my friend’
I like this. I might try that. Thanks for the practical suggestion as that’s really helpful.

Until he messages though, just delete. Don’t contact.
Agreed. I won’t delete though. I will just exert my self control!

So, a practical tip would be to always think about what suits you in a situation and arrange according to that.
I think I do that. Those dates that I sent him are all very convenient for me. I would be visiting him in his town though which maybe is the wrong approach.

If he gets in touch, don't pull him up on it. Ignore it. But when he does get in touch wait a minimum of 24 hours before you reply.
Agreed.

Don't be available for the first date he suggests, or even the second.
But he knows when I’m available because I sent him the dates.

Unfortunately game playing does really work. Look how much you’re thinking about him after he’s let you down a bit? Nothing like a bit of uncertainty to keep someone on their toes. You can do it in a very friendly way, don’t act needy or spoilt, but disinterested and keeping options open.

You WERE available, then! He ignored your message.

But I just wouldn’t bother with someone not arsed about replying to a message suggesting dates. Not that into you.

And you are still that way - suppressing your emotions.
Agreed but it’s so innate now that it doesn’t feel within my control. Like when people don’t get a hunger signal. I actually used to have that problem but now eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full!

We're you bright at school which gained you respect. Hence dating surgeons and PhD students.
Yes, I’m bright. I’m in that kind of field and will be doing my own PhD in the next couple of years.

The kindness you bestow on everyone - did DGPs praise you for being so good or kind.
My Mum was constantly telling me what a good and kind person I am.

Are you stuck in your child/teen behaviour and have never progressed?
I’m not sure. I never rebelled. I was good and studious.

Is your DM still alive?
Yes

Do you have siblings?
No

You can’t “make him mine”. Someone is either into you or not.
He says he’s into me. Compliments me a lot. Gives way more of his time to me than anyone else.

Why do you consider assertiveness and actively seeking reciprocity, and avoiding men not offering that, to be “game playing”?
I’m not sure. I suppose because it means I have to act differently to get what I want. That feels like a game.

You can do it in a very friendly way, don’t act needy or spoilt, but disinterested and keeping options open.
My fear is that, if I don’t keep up the momentum and keep the relationship alive then it will die.

He knows when you WERE available when you sent the dates. Since he hasn't responded, you have made alternative arrangements because you have a life and don't sit around waiting for men to decide when they can fit you into their schedule. Now makes plans for the days that you said you were available. Be high value.
Make him work for you. Don't always travel to see him. He should travel to you more than you travel to him. Don't always message him first, the more you allow him to message first the more he will feel like he has to work for your attention. Don't be too available. A high value woman has other demands on her time than a man who is not yet a partner and therefore not at the point of being an important part of her life. He may well become that partner and more important in due course but he has to earn the right to that by treating you well enough to win your time an DV ultimately affection.

You can’t do those things alone, though, it requires reciprocity

If it ends before it’s even started that’s good, you didn’t waste much time.

Sorry about the typo, not sure why my phone decided to put DV instead of And

Saying he’s into you and giving compliments is meaningless as it’s so easy.

“Gives way more of his time to me than anyone else”: how do you know this? If he spends lots of his time working, and/or has hobbies he prefers to dating, reasons not to date him.

There are plenty of kind, interesting men who are good company who don’t work 24/7 - even some well paid ones

Do you look as calm and collected as you sound?
Maybe you should have your hair dyed pink to shake things up and have people treat you differently.

Do you look as calm and collected as you sound?
Yes!! I remember my best friend’s Dad saying that just being near me calmed him when I was about 17. My Dad is similar to me. At work I have a reputation for being happy, calm, kind, non-angry and everyone seems genuinely pleased to see me which is nice (but sometimes a little overwhelming). I don’t mind being perceived in this way at work or in friendship groups. I definitely don’t get put upon at work and I have let go a couple of toxic friendships. It’s just men!!

I'm no expert on dating so I'm not sure what you should do in this case. I would let it go this time and agree to his suggested date (if you really are still available) but keep it in mind in case he does it again.

Re your relationship history though, I think you shouldn't get to caught up in the idea that you are a doormat and this has ruined every relationship. Some of your examples are more described as relationships that just didn't work out between two people who weren't suited. Like the guy who cheated - no you didn't get very angry at him, but you didn't know he was cheating at the time! The sick mother thing I think most people would let go, if it really was just a few months. And the guy that was breaking up with you to get back with his ex, well he was breaking up with you so it really doesn't matter how you act in that moment. Its not like if you got angry he would have changed his mind and said let's get back together.

I totally agree that people (men and women imo) don't want someone too nice. I've met many couples similar to your first example where one of them seems to get off on being ground down But at the same time, you are who you are, and it won't help to have a complex about it and become paranoid about every interaction.

Maybe you should have your hair dyed pink to shake things up and have people treat you differently.
Interesting you should say that. I have recently bought a bright red lipstick (normally I wear more muted shades) and my close friends almost gasped when they saw me wearing it! One told me that her partner said that I looked the best he’d ever seen me that night, which bemused me! I’m also going to get a haircut.