How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

[Hresdyu]

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and I think that my trouble with men is because I’m far too accommodating and can be a bit of a doormat. This obviously becomes unattractive and ultimately the relationship breaks down or doesn’t go anywhere. I really want to stop this pattern but I don’t know how to.

Basically I’m a nice person so I go out of my way to be kind to others and understand things from their point of view. When this happens in relationships I think it comes across as unattractive.

I have a few acquaintances who treat other people in a way that I would hate. For example, one particular person (A) is married but puts her husband down in front of other people. She’s mean to him and is the kind of person who’s rude in restaurants but her husband adores her. He just laps it all up.

The problem is that I actually really like who I am. I like that I’m a nice, considerate person, but I am so fed up of repeating this pattern with men.

I’m in my early 40s now. How can I stop this from happening? How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

I'd do.......nothing.

Step back a bit. The ball is in his court. This is not your problem to solve.

You definitely sound co-dependent BTW - get reading up!

He's not that bothered about seeing you then so stop dating him.

So what do I do when, for example, he contacts me on Wednesday and says “I’m so sorry for the delay. X was really poorly over the weekend but is on the mend. I took a look at your dates - how about next Wednesday? We could go to X.”

How would you reply or react then?

Don't get back in contact with him. You have already bent over backwards sending him a list of dates. Don't fill in the gaps, with sick relatives etc You have no idea what's going on. Just look at his behaviour.

Now Diva, start mirroring his interest. No more, no less. (I know this comes across as game playing but we're trying to rewire the inner doormat).

The 'high value' way is to always be prepared to walk.

But how do I react in a practical way. Would a diva walk away from his expected reply?

Don't reply. Again, he's not treating you like a priority.

If he was interested he’d have been on those dates like a shot. I would delete the chat and his number, and move on. If he comes back you can demand an explanation for the delay then make a judgement as to whether he gets another chance.

That is not being mean or unkind OP, it’s valuing yourself as you absolutely deserve to be valued

Don't reply. Again, he's not treating you like a priority.
I would feel like I was being supremely unreasonable if I did that!

If he comes back you can demand an explanation for the delay then make a judgement as to whether he gets another chance.
How can I word it without sounding like a nightmare. If a guy treated me like you’re suggesting I treat him I would think he’s a psycho and run a mile!

A Diva is already arranging a date with someone else. Put him on the backburner. You're obviously not his priority, so he's not yours.

Mirror his behaviour.

I want to be more diva and less doormat but it’s so alien to me!

I don't think it's unreasonable
Stop being an option for him. If he really liked you then he would have replied to you and he would want to see you. Someone recomended why men love bitches, I definitely think you should read it

I have read it. I need to read it again. I think I read it but still hoped I would meet a man who I didn’t have to put on an alternative persona for.

When he replies a few days after the first available date, should I pull him up on it?

This is not an 'alternative persona', this is you with a backbone. People don't value those who scurry about after them acting needy. It's off-putting. They value those with busy lives, those they have to work for.

Thanks. So how should I reply to that text (that I suspect he will send)?

Worry about that when it happens. Now start texting someone else.

In the nicest way, you seem to be over-thinking this. Forget the hypotheticals about why he hadn't replied.

What's your agenda? Move on.

I know him very well. He will text in a day or two with something along those lines or he’ll call. I want to be prepared.

My agenda is that I really fancy him and want to date him.

Start making plans for the next wee while, go about your usual business.

If he texts you for a future date, you might be free, or you might have something in your diary. Live your life as if he's an option, not a priority.

Don't give him all your power. Stop thinking about things from his perspective & prioritise yours.

It’s not “being a diva” to want to date someone who reciprocates contact, wants to meet and takes equal responsibility for making arrangements.

Sounds like this one is not that into you.

I could have written your post @Hresdyu. I also know someone who treats people the way your acquaintance does and men especially can't seem to do enough for her.

A little cat came into my life a few years ago and through getting to know and love her, I learned about putting my own needs first sometimes. Tonight I've given my at the moment vile 16 year old his own laundry basket and wished him luck.

You sound lovely, but be more cat

Just say ‘ah it’s you, I thought you had lost interest my friend’ Then see what he says. Not nightmare or psycho, just the start of a conversation that is two-way and takes both people’s views and feelings into account.

Until he messages though, just delete. Don’t contact.