How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

[Hresdyu]

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and I think that my trouble with men is because I’m far too accommodating and can be a bit of a doormat. This obviously becomes unattractive and ultimately the relationship breaks down or doesn’t go anywhere. I really want to stop this pattern but I don’t know how to.

Basically I’m a nice person so I go out of my way to be kind to others and understand things from their point of view. When this happens in relationships I think it comes across as unattractive.

I have a few acquaintances who treat other people in a way that I would hate. For example, one particular person (A) is married but puts her husband down in front of other people. She’s mean to him and is the kind of person who’s rude in restaurants but her husband adores her. He just laps it all up.

The problem is that I actually really like who I am. I like that I’m a nice, considerate person, but I am so fed up of repeating this pattern with men.

I’m in my early 40s now. How can I stop this from happening? How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

This thread has helped me immensely. Thanks everyone. And so much cheaper than therapy!
Clearly there are ‘mother’ issues that I need to work through.

So I think this is the situation...
I like myself, I have good self esteem but I don’t prioritise or sometimes even recognise what I want in relationships. I bend over backwards to keep a guy interested if I like him, because when I get attached, I really don’t want to let him go. I fall deep and hard. I start compromising my own wants and ultimately that bores or disinterests him and he goes off with someone else who is more of a challenge.

I need to feel more comfortable in voicing what I want, even if I’m not that bothered about it (e.g., restaurant choice). I need to get in touch with my anger.

I don’t think I need to be any different with friends or colleagues because I never feel taken advantage of. I don’t give them more than I should. It’s just in relationships.

Is that a fair summary??

I’m not really a people pleaser but I’m probably a boyfriend pleaser!

Op you really do sound like my friend. She has a busy life too but still waits for her phone to ring a lot too. My friend is also a beautiful person inside and out but just seems to have bad luck with relationships.
I sometimes think the decent guys think she’s out of their league or something. It just doesn’t make sense.

You know yourself best but it sounds like a fair summary to me!

I am sure that counselling/therapy will be very helpful. There is nothing "wrong" with you as such - you sound like a lovely person - but it will hopefully help you to feel more confident in relationships.

From your description of your dad it's clear that you love him to bits! I'm glad that's a good relationship - although I do think it might be significant that he doesn't tell you he loves you. Do you do more for him than he does for you? I get the sense that you idolise him somewhat, perhaps because he's kinder and gentler than your mother, but he's not perfect either.

Sorry if I've got that wrong btw, I'm just guessing.

I sometimes think the decent guys think she’s out of their league or something.
I think this has happened to me at times. It sounds terribly vain and I could never say this to anyone in real life but my most recent guy almost gives me the impression that he thinks I couldn’t possibly be interested in him. It’s like he’s playing games to get me interested. I think he has low self esteem. He supported me through a break up and when I was upset about maybe never meeting anyone else who I could feel that way about he was shocked and said with absolute incredulity that I’m so beautiful and that men would be queuing up. I get a lot of interest from guys but I don’t like to lead anyone on so I only flirt with intent. Of course my friend doesn’t realise this so he may think that I flirt that way with everyone!
I do have a naughty/wicked side too 😉

Do you do more for him than he does for you?
It’s difficult to say. We don’t really do much for each other other than phone each other. He’s still sick so he doesn’t actively do things as such.

I get the sense that you idolise him somewhat, perhaps because he's kinder and gentler than your mother, but he's not perfect either.
I adore him and we’re really close but I wouldn’t want a partner like him. He’s not remotely alpha male and I’m attracted to that type. I like the kind of man who can hold his own in a group, if not lead the group, and who is cheeky and cocky. My Dad’s not remotely cocky! My Dad is very cultured though in terms of music, literature and art, and I have never met a man who comes close, probably because I tend to associate with rational, ‘science’ types.

Sorry your dad is sick (I meant to say that in my previous post)

Thanks AnotherEmma, I’m very used to it as he’s been unwell my whole life. He would never let on though... although he’s often in hospital!!

Does your DF have a social life.
You appear to have a fulfilling and very happy life. Do you actually want someone to share it? Do you have time for them to share it? Do you actually need them. Seems to me you are doing pretty well as you are.
Is it important to you that people see and know you have this wonderful life, I mean are you leading it solely for you or so others will be happy for you/ admire you?
Dm leaving yr beloved , sick DF when you were 11- have you come to terms with this. Must have left a mark. And has everyone moved on and forgiven?

Does your DF have a social life.
He has friends who come and visit him and take him out. He’s a very undemanding person/father which I really appreciate. If I didn’t phone him for 2 weeks he wouldn’t bat an eyelid or berate me or anything. If I was out of touch with my Mum for a week I would know about it!

You appear to have a fulfilling and very happy life. Do you actually want someone to share it? Do you have time for them to share it? Do you actually need them. Seems to me you are doing pretty well as you are.
I love interacting with other humans so much. It really fills me with joy, which is why I love seeing friends and clients, especially one on one. I also like the physical interaction that comes with a relationship. I’m in good shape at the moment and want to indulge my decent sex drive (I have zero interest in sex without emotion/love). I don’t need a partner but I would love to have that physical, emotional and sexual intimacy that comes with a partner. I also like my own space at times.

Is it important to you that people see and know you have this wonderful life, I mean are you leading it solely for you or so others will be happy for you/ admire you?
Definitely not. I’m pretty brazen in not caring about what other people (except boyfriends, and mother!!!) think about me.

Dm leaving yr beloved , sick DF when you were 11- have you come to terms with this. Must have left a mark. And has everyone moved on and forgiven?
To be honest I completely understand why she did it. She didn’t love him and wanted to have a more fulfilling life. She never really bad mouthed him to me and vice versa.

You sound very capable OP and I think you know yourself the same rules should apply with men and friends when it comes to bad behaviour. If you wouldn't put up with it from a friend, don't put up with it from a boyfriend.

You say that you are just too nice and that is who you are - first of all, if that was the case, you wouldn't be able to put your foot down with people at work and friends. Secondly, it's not great to define yourself as someone that is too nice to not be friends with a man who cheated on you and then lied about it. This won't bring you any joy. Yes, some men will walk away when you tell them what you want and need. Those aren't the kind of men that will make you happy anyway, but that is the risk you have to take when you make yourself a priority.

You seem like you have a really full and active life. It does sound like you might be a bit of an overachiever. You can't work at and win men the same way you might work at and achieve a PHD, for example.

"I also like the physical interaction that comes with a relationship. I’m in good shape at the moment and want to indulge my decent sex drive (I have zero interest in sex without emotion/love). I don’t need a partner but I would love to have that physical, emotional and sexual intimacy that comes with a partner."

This must be why you find it easier to be assertive in friendships than in relationships. There's more at stake in a relationship because you're hoping to get more out of it than you would from a friendship.

If you wouldn't put up with it from a friend, don't put up with it from a boyfriend.
If I had a friend who I was confident actually enjoyed our friendship and they didn’t get back to me about the suggested dates I’d send this text, “Can you let me know if any of those dates work for you as I want to arrange some other catch ups? Thanks xxx”

But I wouldn’t send that to Mr X as I feel like it would look like I’m chasing him.

You can't work at and win men the same way you might work at and achieve a PHD, for example.
I’m beginning to realise this with my latest guy.

This must be why you find it easier to be assertive in friendships than in relationships. There's more at stake in a relationship because you're hoping to get more out of it than you would from a friendship.
Isn’t that the case for everyone though or am I thinking differently to most?

Maybe you can give opportunities to other people to take pleasure from making you happy and you can take pleasure from their pleasure.

So your latest potential boyfriend is a friend? That’s complicated. Makes it important to clarify, early on, what you’re each looking for and determine whether what you’d like is similar.

Kind words about your looks and attractiveness to men are lovely, but don’t mean he wants to date you. If he’s not responding in a timely way to suggestions for dates, or reciprocating in general, suggests he doesn’t, or at least not in the way you’re looking for. If that’s the case, best avoid him until you no longer want a relationship with him.

crying on his shoulder about your fear about not finding in future what you had with your ex was irrational. From what you’ve said what you had with your ex was limited.

With respect to “falling hard and deep”, wait until you know someone well and are confident that, at least in the short term, they can offer you what you want. If you have better “boundaries” and end potential relationships early when it becomes clear someone can’t offer what you want, you can avoid this happening

If I ever have another relationship I will definitely let the man lead on the emotional side. I’m not going to invest more emotionally than a man ever again. It just leads to pain. I’m not sure how I’m going to stop myself but I will.

"Isn’t that the case for everyone though or am I thinking differently to most?"
No I don't think you are different in this regard, I agree it's probably the case for everyone (or most people).

crying on his shoulder about your fear about not finding in future what you had with your ex was irrational.
I know but it sometimes feels like a big deal when a relationship ends!

He does a lot of gazing into my eyes but I don’t really know how he feels about me and vice versa.

Also I’m the looks and personality type of his exes and we have a ridiculous amount in common. Plus when we hugged once I felt ‘his interest’ 😉 so I’m pretty sure it’s not all one sided.

Make sure you have a varied, well-rounded life that is thriving independently of whether you have a man or not. (E.g. commitment ot going to gym, training or exercise classes a few times a week; a nightout with friends or family, a hobby you enjoy) Don't drop these for a man. Keep on enjoying your own life on your own terms and then add a man into it. That way you can be as lovely to him as you want but maintain standards of self-care and independence.

@Hresdyu I think it would be fair to say that to him actually about the other catch ups. You are saying yeah I want to meet you, but I'm not gonna wait about and I'll make other plans if you're not going to get back to me with something solid. It doesn't look desperate, and if he spins it that way, thats his problem.

Tbh I'm with the OP on it. With a friend I would chase but with a date I wouldn't. I'd think that if he doesn't get back to me I'll make other plans and won't be in a hurry to respond next time he contacts me.