How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

[Hresdyu]

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and I think that my trouble with men is because I’m far too accommodating and can be a bit of a doormat. This obviously becomes unattractive and ultimately the relationship breaks down or doesn’t go anywhere. I really want to stop this pattern but I don’t know how to.

Basically I’m a nice person so I go out of my way to be kind to others and understand things from their point of view. When this happens in relationships I think it comes across as unattractive.

I have a few acquaintances who treat other people in a way that I would hate. For example, one particular person (A) is married but puts her husband down in front of other people. She’s mean to him and is the kind of person who’s rude in restaurants but her husband adores her. He just laps it all up.

The problem is that I actually really like who I am. I like that I’m a nice, considerate person, but I am so fed up of repeating this pattern with men.

I’m in my early 40s now. How can I stop this from happening? How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

If I’m really honest, I know that he fancied me in the past and possibly still does. I’m hoping that he’ll see that I’m worth investing in, worth stepping up for.

You'll be a friend who is more invested in him than he is invested in you.

Just like you'd be a girlfriend who is more invested in him than he is invested in you.

You aren't on a level playing field because you care more about the relationship (whether friends or more) and do you really want to be mates with someone you have to train to not be a dick or do things that upset and confuse you?

All sounds exhausting and agree with @rvby you may think you're taking advice on board but you're focusing on the peripheral issues instead of the main thing - you need to disengage from him to not get hurt.

I want you to understand that you are very easy pickings for an abuser.
I think you might be right. Mr X even said once that he thinks I’m very easily influenced (by him). He started to give an example and then bit his tongue. I think he realised that he risked changing the dynamic between us if he brought that into the open.

I put it to you that your mother wanted you to be at the service of your guilt and shame at all times. She wanted you to be constantly reactive to her guilt trips, temper, etc. etc. So she taught you from childhood that it was "manipulative" to take time to think your emotional responses through, and make a choice that was good for you.
I was never allowed to express my own opinions on things as a child. Never allowed to answer back. Never allowed to get angry. I never had a rebellious phase.
Yes, my Mum knew exactly how to push my buttons to get me to do exactly what she wanted. The threat of her committing suicide felt very real. She has used this 4 times that I can remember.

My ex fancied the pants off me.
We had great sexual chemistry.
He also beat me repeatedly.
You need to like, respect and care someone to be a positive influence in their life not just fancy them and get on well.
He might say these things to you but he isn't following through on them at all which is clear because you are making this into such a drama when it's obvious he just isn't as into you as you are into him.

I'm going to be blunt here. You are sounding increasingly desperate to the point I really don't think you'll ever be able to follow through on consequences for him treating you like shit. Your attitude to relationships sounds very immature and like a PP said you are absolutely a flashing target for dickheads as a result.

Why would you want someone who has to learn a million lessons to "step up" and actually pursue you?

Don't you want to meet someone who is nice to you and equally interested? You can't have that with him.

^Mr X even said once that he thinks I’m very easily influenced (by him).
He started to give an example and then bit his tongue. I think he realised that he risked changing the dynamic between us if he brought that into the open.^

Then you’d realise how meek he knows you really are. And then he’d lose his cat and mouse game, because you’d scuttle off mortified. In your head you think you’re a match for him, but he’s already won.

I’m thinking about texting him, calling an end to our friendship.

You’re just not valuing yourself highly enough, I’m afraid. That is the only way in which one can act as a high value person.

you’re just thinking of ways of getting his attention, and emotional response.

If you want to end a friendship in your 40s you just drop them. And when they try to pull you in you just ignore it. You don’t text them that then friendship is over.

I want to explain things to him in a dignified yet clear way, so that he doesn’t keep trying to reel me back in. If I explain that I feel more invested in our relationship than him he will know what I mean without me having to declare my undying love. Maybe then he’ll let me go. I’m not strong enough to resist him each time he pulls me back.

Ok well good luck with that.

Haven’t read full thread yet.

But I think you need to learn how to communicate your needs and feelings politely and be ready to not give them away as bounties and instead consistently pay attention to them and ask for consistent space/support when you are falling short - aka asserting boundaries. This will enable you to be a strong individual.. which will enable you to be nice from a position of strength and so is optional kindness. Not from a position of weakness which isn’t really kindness but being a push over which people don’t appreciate as much as they know you didn’t do it willingly/mindfully but just weren’t able to do otherwise because it’s ingrained in you to neglect your own needs/self.

That’s my two pence but I could be wrong. I’m basically dissecting the process of setting boundaries

I give up, you're going to keep going in circles either this I think.

Hopefully he's exhausted with it all and will be happy to draw a line under it too.

I suspect he will either give you some hope now that something "more" may happen in future and you'll be instantly reeled back in (but the dynamic won't change) or he'll say he can't lose you as a friend etc when in reality he knows things can just carry on as they are (so the dynamic won't change).

To me it sounds like you aren't calling him to end the friendship. You're calling him in the hope he'll change his behaviour and act how you want him to.

Good luck!

*circles with this

There is nothing dignified about your plan.

Maybe then he’ll let me go. I’m not strong enough to resist him each time he pulls me back.

Of course you are. You’re just letting yourself be weak.

Reading some of your late responses about your mother I am almost sure your lack of boundaries is due to having Your emotions neglected as a child due to being overwhelmed with parental issues without consideration to its effect on you.. the effect on you was probably to dismiss your own needs as burdensome and your feelings as unimportant because your parents were engulfed with their issues... this is why you will need some external figure/therapist to help revive your ability to tend to your own feelings and needs and hence be able to express them.

Bottles up feelings and dismissed needs result in us becoming passive (dormats)- aggressive (straw breaking camels back) type. Because when you get overwhelmed with negativity and you are unable to point your finger at the source because you don’t recognise your own needs, you end up pointing your fingers elsewhere and that’s unattractive and unstable.

So best to help yourself manage your own feelings by Tending to your needs and being fair on yourself. And only let people into your life when they understand your need to do that and respect that.

I want to explain things to him in a dignified yet clear way, so that he doesn’t keep trying to reel me back in. If I explain that I feel more invested in our relationship than him he will know what I mean without me having to declare my undying love. Maybe then he’ll let me go.

You have just described yourself becoming even more of a victim to this guy. You are treating him as if he has your life in his hands. Can you not see that what you describe above is the exact opposite of dignified!! Where do you get this drive to debase and disrespect yourself so completely?

Imagine how pleased with himself he will feel when he received such a message! As if he'd draw a line under something so ego-boosting for him...!

I’m not strong enough to resist him each time he pulls me back. Please stop infantilizing yourself. Hold yourself accountable. You're a grown woman with a professional career, use the parts of yourself that you use in your work, in your relationships and I bet you anything you'd manage it.

I want to explain things to him in a dignified yet clear way, so that he doesn’t keep trying to reel me back in. If I explain that I feel more invested in our relationship than him he will know what I mean without me having to declare my undying love. Maybe then he’ll let me go. I’m not strong enough to resist him each time he pulls me back.

You’re talking about him here as if he’s a nice considerate person who respects and cares about your feelings. He doesn’t. He told you you’d struggle at your job. He told you you didn’t look nice in a photo. These were both self serving and entirely about inflating his own ego.
Don’t fuel his ego even more by sending a ‘Please don’t do this to me anymore’ text. You might feel like a doormat but you absolutely don’t have to make him know that.

If you really fancy him and want his attention you need to play games and ignore him or let him know about other men you’re interested in.
If you know deep down he’s not good for you, you need to disengage and distract yourself, walk away without a backward glance without giving him what is basically a declaration of love in the process.

Like pp said you can feel things without telling him, keep your cards close to your chest.

Look OP you just aren't getting this at all. High value = walking away.

It's like this.

A man arrives at your door and shouts through it I can promise you the earth and a cheque for £20m.

You open the door and he punches you hard on the nose with a swift right hook and a boxing glove. You reel backwards, knocked out with a bleeding nose.

You come round, pick yourself up and instead of focussig on the punch to the nose and the concussion, all you are thinking about is the promise of the earth and the cheque.

A few days later, same thing. Knock at the door, open the door, punch to the face, pain trauma.

Instead of focussing on the fact you have a broken nose, you are thinking but he came round to see me again. He's engaging with me. The promise of the earth and the cheque for £20m are in my reach.

A few days later he comes round again, bangs on the door with a promise of this time its true the earth and a cheque for £30m . This time he has a horse shoe concealed in the boxing glove for added pain. He knocks you square out.

A high value woman as you are asking by this point not only would not open the door but would be trying to find lawyers to get a court order so he couldn't even walk up the garden path.

Do you not see?

Don't text him. Just leave him behind.

In summary, you're making it all about him, when it really should be all about you - what you want/need etc.

So you're literally dancing to his choice of tune & bending yourself out of shape to suit him.

Continue with the therapy, OP. Place yourself at the centre of things. Ask yourself if someone is being kind & caring to you.

If not, walk away. Make this your mantra.

“I want to explain things to him in a dignified yet clear way, so that he doesn’t keep trying to reel me back in. If I explain that I feel more invested in our relationship than him he will know what I mean without me having to declare my undying love. Maybe then he’ll let me go. I’m not strong enough to resist him each time he pulls me back.”

No, no, no, no, no.

Of course, you are strong enough to resist him. Stop telling yourself that you’re not. A relationship is not something that one person does to another. You need to exercise some discipline over yourself in relation to this guy. That’s how valuing yourself works. Walk away. Don’t contact him and for goodness sake don’t send him messages about your feelings.

Keep on with the therapy. Your parents really did a number on you - your mother through her harshness and your father by allowing it to happen. You might find it helpful to read ‘Women Who Love Too Much’ by Robin Norwood.

I haven’t sent him the text. See! I do listen to you all sometimes!

That’s great - give yourself a pat on the back!

Spinelessjello I really like your punching analogy. It helped me see this more clearly. Thanks.