How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

[Hresdyu]

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and I think that my trouble with men is because I’m far too accommodating and can be a bit of a doormat. This obviously becomes unattractive and ultimately the relationship breaks down or doesn’t go anywhere. I really want to stop this pattern but I don’t know how to.

Basically I’m a nice person so I go out of my way to be kind to others and understand things from their point of view. When this happens in relationships I think it comes across as unattractive.

I have a few acquaintances who treat other people in a way that I would hate. For example, one particular person (A) is married but puts her husband down in front of other people. She’s mean to him and is the kind of person who’s rude in restaurants but her husband adores her. He just laps it all up.

The problem is that I actually really like who I am. I like that I’m a nice, considerate person, but I am so fed up of repeating this pattern with men.

I’m in my early 40s now. How can I stop this from happening? How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

I think it’s unhelpful to dismiss my experience actually, which is one way of dealing with a situation. I’m not suggesting anyone should follow it. It has drawbacks that I’d have thought were self-evident: more conflict, which won’t suit the conflict averse.

You said: Being hit by a woman is not the end of the world.

You're not talking about your personal experience there. You didn't say: Being hit by my mother wasn't the end of the world - do you see the difference?

Do you see how, someone who may have grown up being hit by a female primary carer, may feel invalidated and dismissed by that comment?

I have been hit by other women.

Either way I’m talking to the OP not every other woman in the world. This isn’t a public information thread.

This is a public forum where lots of people, other than the OP (who may find your assertion that 'being hit by a woman is not big deal' invalidating).

People who have been hit and abused by women, may be reading this thread and find your assertions invalidating, as I've already explained. For the people brought up by abusive female primary carers, it is a big deal and they may still be suffering the effects of that big deal.

Being abused by your mother, either physically or emotionally, is a big deal, especially if they are a defenceless child.

I don't want to derail the thread any further so will leave it there.

The point has never been that it is not a big deal. Simply that there’s more than one way of dealing with fearful situations and a strategy developed as a child may not be productive as an adult.

As I said threads are not public information broadcasts. What is relevant in one particular scenario may not be to another. A recent poster, who was afraid that her child might have been injured while at nursery, and other posters who had experienced similar, were told they were frightening other mothers with children in daycare. You cannot account for every variable in every post.

@TatianaLarina being hit by your mother as a child is a very big deal.

OP you sound like you chase unpleasant men about and want to be validated by every man. There's no cure for that other than getting a grip

@TatianaLarina The point has never been that it is not a big deal.

@tatianalarina so you're admitting you were wrong earlier when you said that it's not a big deal when women hit kids and that they should just hit back, then?

I didn’t say it wasn’t a ‘big deal’, and I didn’t say generally children should ‘just hit back’. If you piggy back a conversation to pick a fight I’m not getting involved.

@tatianalarina you said it was not a particularly bad or serious thing, so yes, you said its not a big deal. You said hitting back is an option which is just untrue in most cases. It's a shitty thing to say, it's not about picking a fight, it's about not letting that statement slide. If I had been abused as a child id feel shit reading that

You’ve taken my comments completely out of context. I will not mess up OP’s thread arguing with you further.

@tatianalarina I'm not taking anything out of context! You said what you said and now trying to deny it.

Apologies OP back to topic

I haven’t denied anything. You took them out of context and you misrepresented them. (I never said anything like ‘hitting back is an option’). There’s no point arguing with you, particularly on someone else’s thread.

I've noticed my mother also always wants to know "why".

She also protests that it helps her "get context".

In practice she just uses the "why" to quietly attempt to reform herself into a slightly different person, in the hope that she will be more loveable.

My mum also grew up with a scary, violent parent...

Your focus on "why" is just another symptom of your lack of boundaries OP. Try not to protest so much... try to switch your focus away from WHY people act, and towards WHAT they are doing.

This guy is mean and undermining. It literally does not matter why. The more you ask why, the more time and energy you waste, when you could just use that energy to find a.partner that actually likes you

Basically he’s doing it because he’s punching above his weight and he knows it. But instead of being a better man and getting up to the next level he’s trying to pull you down to his. Ultimately he’s not good enough for you. You’re making exceptions for him but really you could do better.

I take pp's points about the why not being important, but fwiw, I think he does it because his brain is mis-wired to see himself as way more important than you. You are important to him only insofar as you make him feel good about himself. (So he'll knock you down if it makes him feel bigger.)

Unfortunately, you've said you go for men who think they're way more important than you - that's arrogance, isn't it? I hope you have enough self-respect or self-esteem to see how unhealthy that is.

@TatianaLarina you're full of it hen! That exactly what you said

Ladies,

I need your advice please. I texted my friend on Friday lunchtime with a little observation that I thought he would appreciate. I didn’t ask a direct question but I would have expected a reply. He didn’t reply. I know that he would have been busy on Friday afternoon and he tends not to use his phone at the weekend. However, he could have replied today but hasn’t.

I know how this plays out. He will call me tomorrow after work and will be all chatty and friendly. About 2/3 through the conversation he’ll make reference to the text. He won’t say sorry for not replying earlier.

How do I handle this in a high value way? Naturally I would ignore it, think he was busy and not make a fuss. But it did hurt a bit. If I raise it I’m a psycho. If I ignore it I’m a doormat. Please help me navigate a high value way through.

The text said something similar to this...

“Hey, I just passed [your old workplace]. It looks very swish! I guess they have upgraded in the many decades since you last worked there! ; )”

He’s not that that old. Hence the joke.

It doesn't sound like his communication style is working for you. The way you deal with this in 'high value way' is to think about your own needs and if they are being met.

They are not being met, therefore, you say it isn't working for you and move on.

He shouldn't have to apologize for not responding right away. It sounds like you have very different expectations. This is not going to work for you. If you want a relationship that's not about playing games, don't play games.

I have no interest in playing games. Previous posters have told me that I need clearer stronger boundaries. It doesn’t come naturally to me to kick up a fuss. I think he’s reasonable but I have been told that this is me being too lenient, too much of a doormat. I’m totally confused now.

People have different texting styles. My DH and two sisters message nonsense to each other regularly. Everyone else I don’t bother, unless it’s arrangements that require a reply.

Your text is not one that particularly needs a reply.

But when you fancy each other and are going towards dating - usually a text is an excuse for a conversation.

Is he not that communicative, not that interested, playing games? It’s hard to know.

However - given everything you’ve said about him on this thread, why are you still invested in him?

Personally I would bin the whole thing. And find someone who isn’t an arrogant knob who puts you down.

Your text is not one that particularly needs a reply. I guess not. But as you say, it’s an opportunity to engage that he declined.

I don’t know why I still have feelings for him. He probably doesn’t deserve them.

@Hresdyu a "high value" person, someone with good boundaries who wants to be happy, would not text a cruel and selfish person, who makes them feel destabilized and confused. They would ignore them and move on.

Why did you text him?

Why are you giving effort and headspace to a man who makes you feel shit?