How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

[Hresdyu]

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and I think that my trouble with men is because I’m far too accommodating and can be a bit of a doormat. This obviously becomes unattractive and ultimately the relationship breaks down or doesn’t go anywhere. I really want to stop this pattern but I don’t know how to.

Basically I’m a nice person so I go out of my way to be kind to others and understand things from their point of view. When this happens in relationships I think it comes across as unattractive.

I have a few acquaintances who treat other people in a way that I would hate. For example, one particular person (A) is married but puts her husband down in front of other people. She’s mean to him and is the kind of person who’s rude in restaurants but her husband adores her. He just laps it all up.

The problem is that I actually really like who I am. I like that I’m a nice, considerate person, but I am so fed up of repeating this pattern with men.

I’m in my early 40s now. How can I stop this from happening? How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

You have said that you fear if state your terms in a relationship that you don’t feel enough of a priority, they may end it. So what? If they don’t they’re not that into you so you know where you stand. It frees you to find someone who is more right.
Yes this is a good point. I think that I’m also afraid of being an unpleasant, difficult person. I don’t know where the line is.

It wasn't insightful or mentoring it was nasty and undermining.
I asked another close male colleague/friend the same question that I asked Mr X. I asked him to be really honest as to whether he thought I was up to it. He replied, “Yeah I do” and gave me some constructive advice. I told him what Mr X had said and he simply replied “Dick. Head” which made me laugh. He doesn’t have a lot of respect for Mr X!

Thank you for your support Spinelessjello

She seems not to have developed a normal ego... the part of a human that separates them into an individual, distinct from other humans.
I disagree with this. I know who I am and I like that person. I know what interests me. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I’m popular at work and amongst my friends. I have my own ‘look’ which isn’t the same as everyone else. I have my own style of interiors. I have strong political views. I have a strong identity.

For you, OP

I feel sad for the little girl whose mum raged at her for coming 2nd.

Please keep going with the therapy & unpick all of this.

And maybe take a look at the stately homes thread?

Even now OP is scanning our responses, looking for clues as to how she can shortcut to pretending to be a person. Without actually becoming a person.
I find this deeply offensive. Of course I am a person.

I noticed you ignored my question up thread: why are you trying to attract the interest of a cruel and selfish man?
I guess because I don’t see him that way. I see a good, kind person who is flawed but not ridiculously so. Other than the photo comment (the first red flag) and now this stuff around the promotion (a bigger red flag), I hadn’t seen his cruelty or selfishness before. In the beginning he was so full of compliments which I now suspect, knowing more about it, was a bit of love bombing. I have been attracted to him for about 18 months so this incident from the end of last week is new. And yes, it is making me reconsider my feelings about him.

I'm glad I offended you. I hope whatever part of you is offended sticks around, and starts helping you to appraise the men that cross your path.

Thanks MakeMineALargeProsecco

rvby 🙂

I hope you realise, OP, that red flags are bad enough that you walk away after one.

I'm glad you're reappraising your feelings for him. You really will be much better off away from him. Having someone make you doubt yourself and suck your joy and confidence from you - well, it's very hard to live with.

The more I think about it, the more I think that Mr X hasn’t done wonders for me and how I feel about things. Why would someone want to hurt someone else who has shown nothing but warmth and friendship towards them? Why do some guys want to pull women down? Is this all because of his own insecurities?

It doesn’t matter why, OP.

Some guys are just like that and the trick is to spot them early and avoid them at all costs. Don’t try to fix him, whatever you do. It won’t work.

. Keep going OP, you’re doing really well.

This thread has been illuminating. I see a lot of myself in you too and I have similar childhood experiences and am academically very successful too.
Food for thought and I am also just starting counselling. Good luck. And yes to ditching this guy x

It doesn’t matter why, OP.
I know that it shouldn’t matter but understanding why someone behaves the way that they do helps me see things more clearly. I crave information!

Don’t try to fix him, whatever you do. It won’t work.
Agreed. He’s not going to change.

Thanks SirHumphreyDrinkalot

Good luck to you too KhaleesiTargaryen!

I get that OP but some information is not useful, it’s just noise. What is the point of understanding why someone acts like a dick to you? They’re still a dick. I spent years puzzling over the reasons behind my XH’s behaviour, until I realised that my intellectualising was just another way I enabled it to continue.

OP, you seem to have seriously masochistic tendencies when it comes to your choice of men. I second what others have said - you need to cut this man out of your life, not just romantically but also step away from the "friendship". He's not boyfriend material and he's not a true friend either. He undermines you, tries to control you, by your own words he's arrogant, and he's actually TOLD you he can be selfish and cruel. Red flags ALL OVER the place.
You say you're highly intelligent but in this thread you come across as very naive and immature, it's like reading a teenage girl's diary. Sorry if that's harsh but seriously, if you hadn't said you were in your 40s I'd have assumed this was all written by a love-struck 19 year old.
I think you need a lot of therapy before dating anyone, to help you make better choices with men. Right now you're extremely vulnerable to getting into an abusive relationship. Abuse isn't just physical or cheating either...undermining you, manipulating you and controlling you is abuse too, and this man is being abusive RIGHT NOW. It's only going to get worse if you get into a relationship with him.
Btw, love-bombing is a classic sign of a relationship that's going to eventually turn abusive.

It’s interesting - when I asked why you were afraid of conflict you answered with what your mum was like. But that’s exactly what my mum was like so it doesn’t actually answer the question.

Growing up my mum was angry, out of control, aggressive etc, I just told her to bugger off. She did whack me, but then I whacked her right back and she didn’t do it again. Being hit by a woman is not the end of the world.

It sounds like you’re so fearful of what might happen - with your mum, in relationships, that you suppress everything.

Does it work? Did she get less angry? Do relationships work better or last longer?

Ime even when I did the ‘right’ thing she got angry, if not about that something else, so there wasn’t anything to be gained by trying to please her. I wasn’t prepared to compromise myself to try to modify her behaviour. I don’t think you can control other people.

I’m not criticising the way you reacted btw, you dealt with your mum according to your personality. I’m simply trying to show an alternative.

I think you need to re-examine the MO you constructed in childhood. It was supposed to protect you but it never really did and it’s just causing problems now.

Why would someone want to hurt someone else who has shown nothing but warmth and friendship towards them? Why do some guys want to pull women down? Is this all because of his own insecurities?

Well if you’re an arsehole you’ll be an arsehole whether people are nice to you or not.

Some men are very competitive some are very insecure, some are just not very nice. He might be a combination of all three.

Growing up my mum was angry, out of control, aggressive etc, I just told her to bugger off. She did whack me, but then I whacked her right back and she didn’t do it again. Being hit by a woman is not the end of the world.

I understand you're trying to help but this is unhelpful. Not only to the OP but to anyone phsycially abused by their mother. I'm glad for you, that your mother stopped hitting after you hit her back, others weren't so lucky. Imo it comes across as dismissive of others' experiences.